The Absent Giant

Eeek! Another month has blown by and I have neglected my poor little weight loss blog. I suppose it's the nature of being on a weight loss journey. By this point I am working out more than 2 hours a day some days of the week just trying to keep losing the weight and that leaves very little time or energy for much beyond mothering and running a household.

I wish I had more to show for my exercise efforts. Unfortunately, I really haven't lost any weight since my last blog post back on April 18th. Which is really really frustrating. Working out more than 2 hours a day and nothing to show for it?! It kind of makes you want to give up.

But I'm not going to! I can pinpoint exactly why I haven't made much progress this last month. I know I haven't been very good at the eating end of things. Between stress, loneliness, celebrations, and just plain laziness I've been eating all sorts of junk that is counteracting my hard work. I need to get diligent and strict again. *sigh*

It really goes to show that you can exercise all you want, but unless you are willing to have self control on the dietary end of things...you won't get too far, weight-loss-wise.

Blah. There's that "s word" again. Self control. Blah.

In other news, I reached the year mark on my weight loss journey last week. I would really love to write a blog post (WITH PICTURES!) just for that occasion--and I will! Just not right now.

On a more positive note, I have been finding therapy in running.

And I have been inspired through my slumps by the persistence and dedication of others.

(Click on the highlighted sentences above for those blog post links.)

Other than that...I'm still here. Still chugging away. Still making soppy excuses as why I'm not blogging here more regularly. One day...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I Wear Running Shoes to Therapy

I started running last year because I was fat.

And I was fat because...Well, I'm still figuring that one out. But don't worry about me; I'm working through it with the help of therapy.

I see my therapist 3 to 4 times a week. And I always wear my running shoes. A ponytail. And spandex.

My therapist doesn't talk much. She just listens as my brain sifts to the rhythm of my running shoes hitting the pavement. Some days "therapy" is just getting away from the kids, the house, the daily grind. Running mindlessly to loud, pumping music. My mind idling on song lyrics, craft projects, to do lists.

But some days--like today--we have break-throughs.

Today I ran past a wild rose bush. Cheery red and yellow blossoms snagged my peripheral vision. They flagged my memories down and instantly conjured a childhood image.

A daddy daughter date.

A Saturday morning. I don't know how old I was, but lucky me, I was going to go to a church breakfast with my dad. Just him and me.

Dressed up, we stood next to the wild rose bush that grew in our backyard. Near the grey bricks of the garage. The bush was wild and prickly and repulsive most of the year. But every spring, it imparted a peace offering: hundreds of bright, happy red and yellow blossoms.

I could smell the sun baked blossoms as we posed for a quick picture. My mom was there too. I remember her breaking off a few flowers to place jauntily in my dad's pocket. And a few blossoms to tuck behind my ear. Fragile, homemade boutonnieres for our special date.

Like the brilliantly colored petals, everyone was cheerful. The excitement of this petite rite of passage imprinted on my young mind accompanied by the sight and fragrance of floral reds and yellows.

This vivid memory, a memory I haven't reflected on in years, flooded my mind within milliseconds of catching sight of the bush. As I rushed past the blossoms, the warm, musty smell of sun baked wild roses waved me on, patting my back, and sealing in the reminiscence.

As I continued on my running path, savoring this cherished memory, I marveled at how quickly it had risen to my conscience. At how vivid it was. And again at how swiftly my mind and heart synchronized afterwards.

And just like that something gave way within me. Almost physically I felt it.

Forgiveness.

It was an instance where the circumstances of the moment harmonized. The music on my playlist was rather melancholy. I was feeling particularly receptive after being worn down by the effort of the first few miles. This was the one and only wild rose bush seen on my entire four mile journey.

There was a release. Of hurt, of anger, of bitterness. A grudge held against parents who made so many mistakes, left back on the trail, laid down to rest next to the rose bush. It was a sudden and enlightening realization that all parents are guilty of negligence and error as they struggle to find their way through parenthood. That there was no point in making them suffer for it anymore. Whether they realized I was doing it or not. Whether I realized I was doing it or not. And a hope that my own children would be kinder to me than I had been on my own mom and dad as I would inevitably have my own grievous faults in raising children.

All that from running.

I started running because I was fat. I keep running because I am healing my body, mind, and soul.

(And it's a heckuva alot cheaper than seeing a real therapist.)

Monday Melancholy

*grumblegroanwhinemoangrouchgrumble*

Ohhhh, it's been a frustrating day.

And I'm not exactly sure why. It's only Monday and I got all the laundry washed, folded, and put away. I did the dishes. Twice. I vacuumed. Three times. I kept the house tidy and neat all day long. We got homework done. I paid bills. I answered phone calls. I organized paper work. I said my prayers. I read scriptures.

I even squeezed in my P90X workout, which I didn't think was going to happen with all the housework and laundry.

A killer day for a mom of four, right?

But for some reason there was very little joy in all of it. Accomplished though it was, I still felt like I was scraping by all day long, just trying to complete something. Anything.

I'm burnt out on P90X and eating healthy.
I'm wondering if there's anything to my life beyond vacuuming floors.
I'm pessimistic about the clean laundry staying in the drawers.
I'm tired of meat and potatoes and veggies, meat and potatoes and veggies, repeat, rinse and repeat, for dinner.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Oh me and my monotonous wonderful little life. What a pity I'm so blessed with so many amazing things, eh?

Good thing I saw this today...



If this guy can do it, with a smile on his face, I can do it without grumbling and complaining.

Happy Monday! Here's to a more joyful Tuesday!

Goal. Accomplished.

Lose 81.6 pounds by 31st birthday (April 18, 2012).

HAPPY Birthday to me!

P.S. I didn't starve myself yesterday.

80 Pounds GONE! I am Octo-Mom!

It's Monday/weigh-in day and guess what?!

I finally hit the 80 pound mark this week!
It's official! I have lost 80 pounds since I started back in May 2011!

That...is amazing. Not to sound cocky or anything, but come on! 80 pounds. Gone.

Back in May of last year I did not think it could happen. But in less than a year I made it happen. I have worked and sweated and cried and struggled and whined and complained and skipped a workout here or there and ate veggies and cheated once in awhile and prayed and stared at myself in the mirror and wondered and planned and hoped and...and...and...

I'm getting there! I am achieving what I set out to do. Even when I didn't believe myself that it could happen.

Now, back to earth...I still have 1.5 pounds to lose before Wednesday if I want to make my goal of being under 200 by my 31st birthday. Maybe if I fast on Tuesday...

I'm not promoting starvation as a good weight loss technique, but for one day I might bend the rules. It would really stink to come so close and not make the cut. Even if it is a self-inflicted cut.

(Now I'm a cutter??? That didn't come out right.)

Something I did good this week: I FINALLY bought myself a new pair of running shoes! It was so overdue, but I had no money, no time, and no nerves to let someone evaluate my running. I'm glad I got over all those hurdles and made it happen. (More about this later.)

Something I could improve on: Getting my workout done earlier in the day. I need to wake up before the kids. It gets harder and harder as the day goes on to make a workout happen. It would be so much easier on myself to just get up and get it out of the way. Ugh. I hate waking up early.

Spring Break: Girl Gone Wild!

Spring Break was last week and boy oh boy did I fall off the no-sugar wagon. we were so busy playing and traveling that I wasn't going to let any old "let's lose weight!" plans stand in the way of a fabulous Spring Break vacation. I ate chocolate! I drank a few pops! I ate carb-rich foods from restaurants! I skipped a few several workouts!

And I almost got away with it.

I gained one whole ounce this week.

I can deal with that.

Still, I can't help feeling a tad guilty. I really should have been on better behavior. I hope Karma doesn't come back to bite me on the scale later. Especially when I'm getting so close to my first really big weight loss goal.

April 18th. It's coming. In fact, it's only a week away and I still have 3.6 pounds to lose before it does.

Eek!

Something I did well this week: I finally ran 3 miles without stopping. It's a little frustrating to see how long it's taking me to build up my running endurance again. But I'll get there eventually.

Something I could improve on: I think I need to find a better balance on vacation weeks. Sure, I didn't gain weight, but I can tell I've lost some physical progress I had made. I should have been better about working out every day and eating more veggies.

What I'm listening to: Classical music. Every now and then I'm reminded how great it can be for running. It has perfect timing. It has a driving beat. And it's just downright enjoyable and calming sometimes. I guess it isn't your typical running music, but I like it.

Currently: 78.0 pounds lost

Losing the Baby Weight!

Umm... Hello?

Is this blog still on?

High time for an update, don't you think?

Things are much much muchmuchmuch better since the last woeful post I wrote about the medication I was taking for chronic dizziness. I called the neurologist that prescribed it and he said, "Get off of it!". I concurred. But then he prescribed me another medication and when I looked up the details, I noticed that dizziness just happened to be one of the biggest side effects.

Huh???

Does he remember why I walked into his office in the first place?

I decided to scrap the neurologist and his silly medications and do things my way.

Medication-free.

I still have the dizziness. It's obnoxious, but it's not unbearable. Plus I don't feel like I want to eat my young or dive headfirst into a bucket of ice cream. I'd say that's an overall improvement, wouldn't you?

Over the last several weeks that I have been medication free, I've gotten back on track with diet and exercise. I'm still plugging away at the P90X program. One of my fitness goals is to complete the program in its entirety and I just finished Week 7!

I am also running three days a week and loveloveloving the chance to do it outside! My husband has been home for the past couple of weeks so as soon as he walks in the door from the office I run out the door. Literally. It's a wonderful/terrible/wonderful release that I anticipate all day. He is leaving again on Easter Sunday and won't be back until May. Guh! I've got to figure out a way to get outside while he's gone.

(Thinkthinkthink.)

How about a weight update, eh?

On Monday, the 2nd, the scale said I had lost a grand total of 78.1 pounds since last May when I began my weight loss journey.

Wowza!

That means I have lost this much...

...the same amount of weight as my heaviest and lightest child! It's (not) funny to lift them and think about how not so long ago I was carrying all of that with me all the time. It's also funny that it's not so hard to lift them these days. It probably has something to do with all these rippling muscles I'm building. (hee hee!)

The other day as I was working out along with the P90X DVD, my son said, "Hey Mom! You've got those bulgy things that the people on the TV do!"

Dang straight I do, kid! Tickets to the gun show anyone??

Ya'all...Life is good! It is so much better than it was almost a year ago! I feel so much better about...ME!

I am capable! I am strong! I am beautiful! I am worthwhile!

Really, I say that with humility. It isn't easy to say even still, even at 78 pounds lighter. Especially when I see all the stretch marks and baggy skin hanging off of me. It's an embarrassing and painful reminder of what I used to be. But it also serves as a safeguard that will hopefully scare me from ever getting to that wretched place again. One day I will make peace with this body of mine. And every day I feel a little closer to doing just that.

These days I'm eagerly looking forward to a major milestone: getting under the 200 pound mark. I'm at 203.4. It's soooo darn close! My goal is to be there by April 18th, my 31st birthday. I have 15 days.

Can I do it???

I sure hope so!