Mental

Half a dozen times I have sat down at my computer and tried to write out a post about what a failure I have been at eating healthy and losing weight lately. But I couldn't even get past the first sentence.

So...I failed at failing?

*sigh*

What can I say? I have not been as ambitious about my health as I have been before. I'm still training for my marathon in May and getting most of my runs in, but healthy eating...meh. And working out on other days...meh.

As a result I have gained back some weight. Meh.

Can you believe that you can run 10 or more miles every Saturday along with shorter runs through the week and GAIN weight?! Insane, isn't it? There really is no making up for a poor diet.

I know I need to eat clean. I know HOW to eat clean. It's just the DOING it part that I am struggling with. I can't believe this is STILL a struggle. Shouldn't I be a pro at this by now? How am I still rendered powerless by sugar cravings? Ridiculous.

Sugar really is a drug. When I'm "detoxing" my mood could be likened to a smoker who is trying to quit. Cranky, angry, sensitive. It's ugly. And kind of scary that a simple substance can have such power over a person.

My current attitude towards healthy eating fluctuates, sometimes hourly. Sometimes I want to try really hard to lose another 30 pounds. Just another 30 and then I'll be happy. Then I'll be "skinny" and at my goal weight (past it actually) and into the clothes size I hardly dared to dream about.

Sometimes I could care less how much I weigh. I'm comfortable at this weight. I fit in my clothes. I can run miles and miles at a time. My husband loves me at this size. Why try harder?

And then I swing back to the other side of the pendulum. If I just stop eating sweets and carbs...

And then...But I love sweets and carbs and I want to try new recipes and new foods and enjoy meals with my family.

And then...But my brother's wedding could be coming up and I might bump into old friends when I visit Hometown, Idaho.

And then...But it's so hard and I just don't care enough to commit.

Ugh. Sometimes I feel a tad schizophrenic when it comes to body image and health and food.

And I still haven't exactly decided which voice to listen to.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fatter

My husband travels for work leaving me alone with a 2, 4, 6, and 8 year old. I know we are very fortunate to have a good job in bad economical times. And after two years of having an absent traveling husband, I've got this single parenting thing down. (Sometimes.)

What I don't have down is the emotional upheaval that inevitably happens every time Joe leaves. In fact, it begins happening even before he's out the door. A couple of days before his departure, I find myself bracing for it. "Bracing for it" means "trying not to sink into the depths of despair". "Depths of despair" means EMOTIONS GALORE!

Loneliness
Stress
Boredom
Worry
Fatigue
Anger
Frustration
Agitation
Apathy

We like to cover the full end of the dark side spectrum.

It's rough. And I only have to go for one to two weeks of absent husband at a time. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a military wife where the weeks become months become years. (Although, I can't help but wonder what would be easier...Having your husband gone 7 months straight or 7 months in intermittent week segments throughout the year? It seems just when we get adjusted into a routine of Daddy being gone, he's back, "messing up" our system. Then, when we settle into having him around again, it's time for him to leave. Either way...it's not easy.)

On this blog I have made it no secret that I am an emotional eater. And guess what EMOTIONS GALORE does to an emotional eater?

I find myself eating or thinking about eating constantly when he is gone. I'll eat throughout the day as I deal with different kid and household issues. Without him here to eat, there are inevitable leftovers at dinner, so I find myself accidentally overeating at the dinner table. The real trouble comes when the kids are in bed and the house is dark and quiet and oh so lonely. Food is there to offer delicious companionship.

It is and probably always will be a constant struggle. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the food wins. This week...the food is winning. Ugh.

I Don't Wanna

This morning my alarm went off at 6:15 am. After a few moments of arguing with myself, I got up, put on my running clothes, and went for a 3.5 mile run. I did it because I was certain I would feel better about myself, about the day, about life, if I did.

It didn't work.

I have struggled all day to accomplish anything more. It's just a "I don't wanna do anything I'm supposed to do" kind of day.

For that matter...I'm having more of a "I don't wanna" kind of month.

People ask me how I'm doing so well with weight loss and I feel like a liar when I tell them I try to eat right and run and do P90X. That may have been true a month ago...

I'm so burned out on P90X. I have two weeks left before I'm an official P90X grad. I've been repeating weeks that I flubbed up on. Last week was one of those. I missed over half of the workouts and I only ran once. I've been drinking tons of pop. Eating all sorts of chocolate and sugar and junk. Skipping out on veggies. And just feeling like an all around mess.

I know what I need to do to get back on track: have a little self control.

I know I can do it: I've done it before.

I know. But I don't wanna.

I keep telling myself, "It's okay. Take a break. Relax. Just hit it hard after Memorial Day weekend."

But that feels like cheating. It feels like I haven't truly learned a thing since starting this weight loss journey. 82 pounds lost and I haven't gained a darn bit of sense about being healthy.

I know that's not true. I'm just kind of down on myself lately. I am my own worst enemy. I keep beating myself up for not losing any more weight since my birthday. I've maintained right at 199.6 since April 18th. I keep thinking how dumb I am for not losing more, for eating so unhealthily lately, for struggling as much as I have been.

Memorial Day weekend is going to spent with lots of family since both my sisters are blessing their new babies that Sunday. I want to look smashing since I have worked so hard this year to lose weight. Plus, both my sisters and sister in law, even freshly postpartum will look severely smashing. And I don't even have their excuse as to why I still have a belly.

I was complaining to my husband and sister about not losing more weight lately and that I can only say, "I have lost 82 pounds" not "I have lost 90 pounds". They quickly put me in my place. "Yeah, because 82 pounds is just pathetic!" as they roll their eyes.

Why am I so quick to brush away my own success?
Why can't I seem to get a grip on true healthy eating?
Why am I not more comfortable in my own skin by now?
Why do I have to fight this battle my whole life?
Why hasn't it gotten any easier?

Less Giant, but Less Jolly.

I've been a truly pathetic blogger and for once it's truly due to more than my own lack of laziness. My computer and Blogger have been at odds for the last month. They just don't play nice.

The same could be said for my current mental state and a medication I have started recently to ease chronic dizziness I have suffered with since the birth of my last baby over a year ago. Quite frankly, I don't need any help sinking into a dark and lonely place. I tend to be rather prone to depression as it is. This last year exercise and finding health have been my saving grace. I haven't felt depressed in months and months. But in a few short days these meds seem more than willing to push me over the edge. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to eat healthy. I dont want to have self control. I don't even want to get out of bed.

This is way more information than you ever wanted on a weight loss blog I'm sure, but trust me...my mental state more than affects how my weight loss and journey to health is progressing.

Without going into much detail...it's been a rough couple of weeks. I hardly let myself celebrate the fact that I hit the 70 pounds lost mark. That's a huge milestone but it hardly put a blip on my radar.

I've made a call to my doctor and he's changing the medication. I'd much rather deal with dizziness than feel like this. This dark, cold place is going to do nothing but balloon me right back to almost 300 pounds. And I just can't go back there. For so many reasons.

Sorry it's not all sunshine and rainbows and ponies here today. But that's life. Gotta have the downs to appreciate the ups, right?

If I could just shut my mouth...

...then I wouldn't be so embarrassed on Monday morning when I haven't lost half of the ten pounds I said I was going to lose before Thanksgiving. Or lost any pounds for that matter.

At least I didn't gain.

I have a feeling that if I could just shut my mouth I would also be able to lose those ten pounds. (Chocolate covered pretzels what?!)

*groan*

I'm done. I can't do this. Not now. Not through the holiday season. I've had it.

New plan of action.

Maintenance.

Until New Years.

Why does this not feel like the brightest idea either?

But the bandwagon looks so small from here...

A month?!

I let a whole month go by without updating the Jolly Green Giant?!

Yikes.

Well...there's a few excuses reasons I let that happen.

I've been a little sick.
It's hard to want to exercise when you can hardly breathe already and ache all over.

I've been a little busy.
School is well under way and with two kids with two different pick up times and two sets of daily homework assignments it's busier than ever.
Then there's dance classes and friends over and church activities and this and that and that and this.
And you don't have four kids and not be a little frazzled at least nine different times a day.

I've been a little depressed.
I was laid off from my work from home job.
This greatly strains our financial situation.

I've been a little lazy.
I don't know if I would call it so much "lazy" as just not having as much self control. "Busy" and "depressed" combine into one nasty little one-two punch that knocks out my self control in no time.

I've been a little overwhelmed.
We just found out our daughter has something called Celiac Disease. This means her body attacks itself when she eats anything with gluten (wheat) in it. While this can be controlled with a gluten free diet, it is a life long condition that there is no cure for. The diet is pretty intense and as I look through my pantry I can't help but feel overwhelmed when I see that 85% of our food has wheat in it. And I already struggled with what to make for dinner every night. *sigh*

I've been a little embarrassed.
I didn't exercise consistently. I ate a lot of junk. Even a couple of Dr. Peppers. I gained a few pounds back. I couldn't face the blog with my failure.

So...now that I have gotten all the excuses out there, it's time to take control again and get back on the bandwagon. Even if it does look so teensy tinsy from here.

I gained a few pounds back, but after a 3.4 weight loss this week I am currently at 227.7. That means since 09 May 2011 I have lost a total of 53.8 pounds. And that, my friends, is nothing to shake your head at. I will not let the last sloppy month destroy the success I've already had. Onwards and upwards.

As I try to shake the plateau and get back on course I have finally entered the world of calorie counting and with the help of loseit.com it's easier than I anticipated. I'm still breastfeeding 8.5 month old Cee so I added on 300 calories in my daily allowance. How long can I get away with that one, eh? ;)

I restarted P90X last week and made it through all six days. I know it's only been a week but I can already feel a difference in my muscles. I'm rather excited to see what can happen in 90 days. I don't want to look like a steroid body building Amazon woman or anything, but a little tone and definition wouldn't hurt.

Please don't think I'm so hard core by doing P90X. I don't do the pullups. Instead I use my hand weights and imitate what the people with the resistance bands are doing. I figure there's time for real pullups later. I only have a set of 3 and 5 pound weights so I'm not pumping eye-popping weight either. For right now, 5 pounds is enough. I plan to get on KSL.com and find an inexpensive weight set soon. Oh and I haven't started following the P90X diet yet either. I just can't seem to get on board with one carb, one fruit, and seven--SEVEN!--servings of protein a day.

And honestly, P90X is not as bad as everyone makes it sound to be (except for the diet). They sure intimidate the sweat right out of you with all the commercials on TV. All those sweaty, ripped beasts cranking out pullups like nobody's business. It's totally doable as long as you're willing to follow Tony's motto: "Do your best and forget the rest!"

I haven't ran in a few weeks. I miss running, but with Joe being out of town all the time, the weather cooling off, the days getting shorter, and my mommy schedule, running has to take a back seat for a bit. My hope is that doing P90X will help me be a better runner when I can get back to it.

And there it all is. The excuses, the failures, the updates, the hope. Bandwagon, here I come! Happy Monday everybody!

Good News and Bad News

Good news and bad news.

Which do you want first?

No weight gained, but none lost either.

This is the second week in a row that I've maintained my current weight.

While I'm grateful I haven't gained anything, I'm frustrated with this plateau. I have a goal of being under 200 pounds before January 20, 2012, Baby Cee's first birthday. I don't care if I'm at 199.9999 pounds. I just want to see a 100 on the scale versus a 200.

As of today that means I need to lose 30 more pounds in four months. That is totally doable. I just need to get strict with myself again. I have been anything but strict lately. Skipping workouts and eating chocolate covered pretzels isn't exactly "dedicated". It's time to change things up.

Blah. I hate change.

Joe and I decided to start P90X today. I read over the material last week and we even did the Fit Test to make sure we "qualified". I barely qualified, but qualify I did.

I'm afraid I don't have the most positive attitude in starting P90X. It just seems brutal and brutal isn't for me. But I need to do something different and the program is already sitting in my house. Might as well use it. Plus, Joe said he would do it with me and I will do just about anything to get him on board with this get-healthy journey.

Funny thing is, we were supposed to start today and he headed out of town on a business trip. Looks like it's just me and good ol' Tony Horton. Ugh.

Here I go. Hold me to it! Today is the day I finally start P90X.

(I have my "before" pictures but I'm only willing to show those side by side with the "after" pictures.)

Quick and Dirty

Hey! Still here chugging away on this weight loss journey! Life has been crazy as it always is.

As of Tuesday, September 6, 2011 (Labor Day holiday kind of messed me up on weigh in days) I lost another 4.1 pounds, bringing me to a total of 52.4 pounds lost since May 9, 2011.

As of Monday, September 12, 2011 I lost 0 pounds. No surprise with the bigger loss the week before. Here's hoping for a better week this week.

My first 10K race was on Saturday, September 3rd. It was a fantastic experience and I plan to write about in detail when I have a bit more time and the pictures to add.

I've hit a motivational slump over the last couple of weeks, but I'm working my way out of it. Onward and upward!

Mama Said...

Days like this...

make me...

CRAZY.

I started to type "Days like this make me want to give up!" but I erased that because it's just not true anymore. I don't want to give up. In fact I'm terrified of giving up. I never ever ever never want to go back to who I was a few months ago and I just simple cannot let that happen.

Still, on a journey like this, you have fantastic days where you feel like a million bucks and you feel like you could be president of something if you really wanted to and then you have really rotten meager days like today.

Days where your body and your children and your life are joining forces to make running feel pointless and impossible and stupid.

The baby is screaming.
The three year old is crying.
The older two are bickering.
The sun is too hot.
The running clothes are chafing.
The car needs $700 in repairs.
The house is a mess.
The work is piling up.
The everything and anything are all wrong.

And where you could run for an hour only a day before, all the sudden you can't make it for 20 minutes. There's no way you're going to be prepared for  half marathon, much less a 10K. What were you thinking to make these kinds of goals?! And forget about what a crummy runner you are. How about what a negligent mom you are too? And let's not forget how shoddy your housekeeping skills are. And what about the kind of friend you are anymore. Pathetic. And this...And that... And...blahblahblah.

I suppose these bad days help us to appreciate those great days. At least that's what I keep telling myself in hopes I'll believe it.

Gangrene Goals

My goals are not working out for me. It's time to change them up.

All of my goals are based on running and after three weeks of trying to run I have had to confess that my body is not ready to run right now. My knees went from irritated to hurt to painful to tear-inducing torture. I began to dread my running days and looking for excuses to get out of it.

Plus my 5 month old baby Cee grew wise to my running routine.

She used to be content to sit in the stroller and sleep or watch. Now she screams the entire 45 minutes. I would run a lap. Pat her and try to soothe her. Run another lap. Pat. Soothe. Run. Soothe. Run. Soothe. It didn't work. Two--TWO!-- moms came wandering by looking to see where the neglected baby was at. It was embarrassing and frustrating.

Have you ever tried to run while listening to a screaming, not crying, but freaking-out-screaming baby???

It feels like trying to jog with someone jogging at your side saying, "You can't do this. You're a bad mom. You're wrong to try. You're fat. Give up. You CAN'T. Just stop."

When I realized how often the word "can't" was rolling through my brain, I started talking to myself out loud to drown out the pessimism.

"I CAN do this. I NEED to this. I am NOT a bad mom. I CAN do this!"

But between the crying knees and crying baby...I have to call it quits. Not on exercise altogether. Just on jogging for right now. This is not positive exercise.

Maybe when Cee is a little older.
Maybe when I'm fifty pounds lighter.
Maybe when my husband is in town longer than the weekend and I don't have four littles along for the ride.

But now I have this list of goals that includes running miles and 5Ks and even a marathon. I don't know what goals to make if they don't involve distances like that. Where do I go from here? I'm afraid my exercise motivation is wandering.

I keep meaning to officially start P90X, but I'll admit it. I'm scared. Pull ups? Push ups? Eek!

I feel like I have hit a wall. I know there's a way over it. I just don't know how yet.

Whining and Weighing-In and Winning

I keep waiting for this process to get easier.

I need to realize that it is just not going to. In fact, it may even get harder the farther into it I get.

Knowing that is so frustrating to myself.

This morning I stood and looked at myself in the mirror as I do often, searching, searching, searching for evidence that I am changing, shrinking, getting fitter and healthier. So far, I don't see much happening. I try to think positively and imagine how I will look twenty, forty, eighty, one hundred pounds from now. It just feels so impossible some days.

Will I ever be able to do it?

Will I ever be able to watch other people eat dessert and not go through the mental debate: "Just a bit! No! Just a little bit! I'll exercise extra hard tomorrow! No way! I hate this!! Why can't I just eat and be fat AND happy?"

Ugh.

I still can't let myself think about chocolate too much. If I do I start to think how easy it would be to make some chocolate chip cookies, even though these have never been a huge temptation before. The kids ask for a treat and I think about how much fun it would be for all of us to gather in the kitchen and bake cookies together. This might be okay once in awhile but every day like I want to?

I flip through my cook book looking for a dinner recipe and I see a recipe for Bread Pudding. Bread Pudding! I've always wanted to learn how to make that! But if I make it I will snack while I make it and I will scarf down a bunch of it once it's made. I would love to pick up baking or cooking as a hobby, but it's too dangerous.

I made Joe a Father's Day dinner of Pasta Carbonara (think bacon and Parmesan cheese), frog eye salad (pasta and sugar), and homemade cream puffs (butter, pudding, chocolate!). For the life of me, I couldn't keep my fingers out of the food. This must be why alcoholics never make good bar tenders. It's just too darn tempting.

I think it is probably the Father's Day menu that undid me. Today was weigh-in day and I only lost 1.2 pounds (22.6 pounds total).

I know, I know. It's an achievement to just have lost something, but if only I had been more disciplined... If only I had gotten one more workout in... If only this and only that. A girl could drive herself crazy. I need to calm down about this process. I know it's going to take a long time. I'm just not very good at being patient.

I've got to hang on to the good things that are happening.

• When Joe got home from his two week trip, he hugged me and commented that I felt smaller to him.
• I'm still wearing the same pants as I did 22.6 pounds ago, but they feel looser in the thighs, butt, and waist.
• Despite the mental torture, I am able to say "no thank you" when dessert goes round.
• I think just maybe I might be able to see my collar bone beginning to emerge from my chest. Just a hint.
• My face feels thinner.
• My skin feels nice with all the water I'm drinking.
• Drinking tons of water has become second nature.
• I've stopped chewing my fingernails and they look really nice right now.
• With the help from control panel under-roos, I can fit into a skirt I haven't worn in several years.
• I have made my way from 281.5, through the 270s, past the 260s, and now to the 250s.
• I can't wait to be on the lighter side of 250 and I'm getting closer.
• Eating after 8 pm has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually quite a safeguard against mistakes.
• I've lost the equivalent pounds of my baby plus a few. When I pick her up and feel how heavy she is, that makes me feel a little better.
• I'm not as tired all the time.
• My sisters told me a couple of weeks ago that I just seem happier.
• I am not as squeamish about cuddling with my husband out of pure embarrassment of myself.
• My children are eating a lot healthier. No pop, no chicken nuggets, no junk. I like that I am finally practicing what I preach.
• I can go to a restaurant and make better choices.
• I have more endurance and breath when working out. I don't fatigue as quickly and exercise actually feels good instead of being unbearable and undesirable.
• We spend more time together as a family outside being active.
• I just feel better: more proactive, more in control, more capable. I am closer to being the person I want to be than I was a month and a half ago.

So...I guess there are a few good things happening after all.

How are you all doing out there? What good things are happening for you?

I'm Losing It and I Don't Mean the Weight

UGH!!

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ugh.

I warned you. This could get whiny. Well, I would hate to disappoint.

I'm losing it! And by "losing it" I don't mean the weight.

I am losing my self control.
I am losing my motivation.
I am losing my desire to want to be skinny and healthy.

You know that stupid phrase that goes something like "No food tastes as good as skinny looks"?

Poppycock. Nonsense. Balderdash. Milarky. Bull honkey.

Have you ever tasted Mrs. See's chocolates??? No skinny jeans feel as good as that creamy sweet chocolately goodness melting on your tongue.

Three plus weeks into this journey and I still struggle to feel any stronger than I did on day one. I want to eat all the junk. I cave when my husband says "let's put ice cream in with those strawberries instead of yogurt". "Just a little bit" quickly spirals out of control into "all of it".

*head drops on desk*

I HATE THIS!!!!

I am not losing weight like I did when I was in my 20s!
I can't stand watching everybody else eating all the yummy stuff while I gnaw on green leafy things!
I'm sick of obsessing over every little thing that does or does not come near my mouth!

I'm exhausted from trying to fit a workout in every day! Being a mother is a workout in itself. That should count for something, but it doesn't. Being a mother got me to 281.5 pounds.

Well, it wasn't just being a mother, but that didn't help the weight situation.

I get angry--like real hot steaming mad angry--thinking about all the things I need to deny myself if I want to be successful at this.

I feel hopeless thinking even if I am successful with this, will I just gain it all back like I have every other time before?

As you can tell my thoughts are not in such a rainbows and puppy dog tails place tonight...

I have appreciated hearing things like "Take this one day at a time" and "Every day is a new day". If I keep thinking about that I won't let the way I have been feeling the last few days take me down.

Ugh.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming... Even when I feel like I am drowning...in chocolate...Stop that!...in celery and green leafy salad and oatmeal and whole grains and... *sob*

sTResS is an Emotion

In an earlier post I fessed up to being an emotional eater.

Emotions like: sadness, hopelessness, depression, fear, anxiety, happiness... (Yep! She eats when she's happy too, folks.)

And let us not forget STRESS.

Newsflash: I eat when I am stressed.

I hear about people NOT eating when they are stressed and unintentionally losing loads of weight. As much as I wouldn't want their problems that caused the stress in the first place, sometimes I wish I had THAT problem.

Instead of losing weight I find myself packing on the pounds in periods of pressure.

Times like now, when Joe is out of town AGAIN and I am left alone for days on end, but not really alone thanks to these four kids. These four kids who I love more than life itself, but who have a particular knack for driving me into a stress-induced feeding frenzy.

Tonight was particularly trying as bedtime was going later than usual, not less than three children were making some sort of tumult about various issues, I am tripping over toys and shoes strewn across the floor to get to the screaming baby who has been demanding my attention for the last twenty minutes while I try to hurry and finish making dinner or hurry and serve dinner or hurry and eat dinner or hurry and clean up after dinner so the mess isn't ten times worse tomorrow. Just hurry hurry hurry so I can soothe her screams.

Stress, I tell you.

And as that stress builds I can feel that demon inside me demanding one thing and one thing only.

"CHOCOLATE...CHOCOLATE....CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE NOW WOMAN!!!"

I can hear it even now as I write these words with a particularly alert at such a late hour Cee in my lap.

I am writing this post just trying to keep my mind and fingers busy and ignoring that inner voice, that call of the wild, that Jekyll to my Hyde, that incessant lust for chocolate.

Call a priest. I may need an exorcism.