Note to Self: Why You Should Lose Weight

I stepped on the scale yesterday and lo and behold...I've gained even more weight.

Guh.

I can't be totally surprised. I tried to eat better this week and workout every day and everything was going great until...the weekend came. Then I went a little hog-wild. And I paid for it. I paid for it on the scale and I paid for it on my run this morning.

When am I am ever going to learn that I have to eat right to be able to run right?

So. thick. headed. am. I.

I need an incentive. I need a reminder as to why I am trying to be healthy and continue on my weight loss journey.

So...Here are a few:

1. My brother is coming for a visit in March. He's always been kind of critical of my weight. I would love to "stick it to him" and be skinny (-er) when he comes.

2. My other brother has been dating a girl for...forever. Who knows if he's getting married or not, but if he is...I'd sure like to be picture ready.

3. Speaking of pictures...We're bound to do some family pictures when #1 brother comes for his visit. I have two sisters that look fantastic. While I'll always be the "bigger sister", I'd really love to not be the "really bigger sister".

4. I've been asked to speak about my weight loss journey to a group of women in March. It would be nice to be able to do that without a closing statement of "...and I've gained a bunch of weight back."

5. My first marathon is in May. Who wants to carry 30 extra pounds when running 26.2 miles?

6. Some of my clothes are starting to get a little snug again. No.

7. Clean eating + running = happy girl

Arise from the Dust!

During my scripture study this morning I came across these verses:

"...Arise from the dust, my sons, and be men, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that ye may not come down into captivity;

That ye may not be cursed with a sore cursing; and also, that ye may not incur the displeasure of a just God upon you, unto the destruction, yea, the eternal destruction of both soul and body.

Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust." (2 Nephi 1:21-23, The Book of Mormon)

We study scriptures so that we can apply them to our own lives and today, these verses can be applied to my life.

ARISE!
BE MEN! (Or Amazon WoMEN!)
BE DETERMINED!
AWAKE!
SHAKE OFF THE CHAINS! (Whether they be obesity or debt or temptations to overeat or laziness or smoking or gambling or whatever struggles!)
COME FORTH OUT OF OBSCURITY!
ARISE FROM THE DUST!

Pretty powerful start to the morning huh? Now I'm going to go hit the treadmill while shouting, "ARISE!"

Choose the Right

This morning I woke up.

It only got worse from there.

With several spontaneous things happening the night before, the kids' homework had not gotten done. In a last ditch effort to encourage them to be good students, I pressed them to finish it before breakfast. This resulted in fits of frustration for all parties. I felt like such a schizophrenic parent as I pushed my children out the door with a hasty kiss and an "I love you!" after all the anger of the morning. (Anyone else feel like your children's self esteem is sacrificed for the sake of getting everyone out the door on time for school?) 

With the bustle and the pandemonium of the morning my ambition for the day was spent. I didn't want to clean. I didn't want to exercise. I didn't want to care. I found myself googling the hours of operation for the nearest Mrs. See's candy store. And it wasn't even 9 am yet. (12 step program, anyone?)

In a moment of inspiration I decided to change my fate. As soon as my four year old was out the door on her way to preschool, I loaded up the toddler and drove out to Yellow Fork Canyon. It began to rain and I began to doubt (again) if I was up to this day. Honestly, I repeatedly considered bagging the inspiration, veering off my course, and heading straight for Mrs. See's. (It's 4 o'clock somewhere.)

At the last turn before the canyon it truly came down to turn left <-----Mrs. See's or turn right ----->hiking. 

I chose the right. In more ways than one.

Hiking was exactly what I needed today. The trail was deserted. The only company I had was the 30 pounds of cuteness and pack I carried on my back. Without my children along I was able to set my own pace and work my way up the mountain at a decent and steady pace. Cee chatted away on my back in her sweet, sing-songy gibberish. I passed her Craisins, songs, and rounds of counting. And she was content.

Our only companions were the falling leaves and dozens of flighty or curious deer. It rained lightly, reviving the bright colors of the leaves, wood, and grass. Even the dirt seemed more vibrant and rich than the last time I had been on this trail a week ago.

As I meandered up the trail, through the tunnel of wild branches, my imagination worked to revive itself from years of neglect. At first I ignored it, reminding myself that I'm a grown adult and reasonable adults don't play pretend. But before long I found that I was frustrated with my decayed sense of fantasy and wondered when I had become so old and boring.

By the time I began the descent back to the bottom of the hill where my minivan full of responsibility, bills, and business waited to carry me off into the stiff sunset of reality and rules, I had cleared enough creative cobwebs to imagine that I was a Nelwyn, traveling alongside Willow, and returning Elora Danan back to the Daikini...

...Or the tenth member of the Fellowship, packing a happy, little, hungry hobbit on my back...

...Or an Indian maiden who had happened upon a lost pioneer baby and was returning her new treasure to her tribe.

(Looks like I still got it. Fist bump to my fellow nerds.)

As we neared the end of the trail, the rain began to thicken and chill. The affability of the mountain was waning. My little hobbit was the first to complain. (Time for second breakfast, eh?) My charming retreat was quickly unraveling, but it had been enough to fill my cup and return me to the world with a renewed sense of purpose and conviction. I wouldn't go so far as to say it satisfied my need for chocolate. Let's not say things we might regret, shall we?

But...there is magic to be found in the mountains. 

And lost pioneer babies.

One Year Ago Yesterday

Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary. I couldn't resist peeking back on the blog to see what I was whining about back then. I had this dim memory of being really excited about running one mile without stopping. Sure enough...I was thrilled with running one dinky little mile.

Wanna know how much I ran on my anniversary this year?

5 miles!

And wanna know how much weight I lost since my last anniversary?

Last year on July 11th I was pretty thrilled with being at 251.3. That meant I had lost 30.2 pounds so far.

This year on July 11th I weighed 194.4. That's 56.9 pounds lost since my last wedding anniversary!!! and 87.1 total pounds lost over my weight loss journey!!

Do you know how amazing that feels?!

For anyone who is reading this and thinking, "Well, sure...That was easy for you. But I can't do it..."

SHUT UP!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

This was anything but easy for me! If you've read this blog at all over the last year or so you've heard me whine and cry and complain. You've seen me fail over and over again. You've watched me fall off the bandwagon only to keep getting up and getting back on. So many times over.

I have worked for every single pound lost and I have worked hard.

But that doesn't make it an impossible thing either. This weight loss thing ain't easy, but it's so so so worth it. I am so much happier than I was a year ago. I used to struggle with depression constantly. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my body. That depression is not totally gone, but it is so much easier to deal with now.

I have a confidence now that I did not have a year ago. I actually like to leave my house and see people now. I can do things, miraculous things, like run 6 miles at a time or hike a mountain or play with my kids or shop in the "normal" clothes section at the store or walk into a running store without (much) fear or pose for a picture and not loathe the person I see on the image.

If you are considering a weight loss journey of your own this is my advice to you:

Give yourself a year. Realize that this is no simple easy little trip. This takes dedication, persistence, and hard work. Don't fall apart because you haven't lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Give yourself time. Give yourself a break.

Even if you can only do one pushup, that's one more pushup than you could do sitting on the couch. Even if you crash off your healthy eating and go psycho on a bag of Oreos, you don't have to give up. Try harder the next day. And keep going the next day. And the next and the next and the next. Until one day you look back and realized you have become a different person. You'll be cranking out pushups and ignoring Oreos like nobody's business.

YOU CAN DO IT!!! For reals! Just get up and do it!

My daughter watches this stupid cartoon on Netflix. Something about Sky Dancers. They say this phrase over and over again. "If it is to be, it's up to me!" SOOOOOOO true my friends! No one else is going to drag you off the couch. No one is going to shove you out the door. No one is going to dump that 44 oz soda cup out. It's up to YOU. If it's gonna happen it's because YOU did it. And how sweet will the success be when you know YOU did it?

Word.

I Wear Running Shoes to Therapy

I started running last year because I was fat.

And I was fat because...Well, I'm still figuring that one out. But don't worry about me; I'm working through it with the help of therapy.

I see my therapist 3 to 4 times a week. And I always wear my running shoes. A ponytail. And spandex.

My therapist doesn't talk much. She just listens as my brain sifts to the rhythm of my running shoes hitting the pavement. Some days "therapy" is just getting away from the kids, the house, the daily grind. Running mindlessly to loud, pumping music. My mind idling on song lyrics, craft projects, to do lists.

But some days--like today--we have break-throughs.

Today I ran past a wild rose bush. Cheery red and yellow blossoms snagged my peripheral vision. They flagged my memories down and instantly conjured a childhood image.

A daddy daughter date.

A Saturday morning. I don't know how old I was, but lucky me, I was going to go to a church breakfast with my dad. Just him and me.

Dressed up, we stood next to the wild rose bush that grew in our backyard. Near the grey bricks of the garage. The bush was wild and prickly and repulsive most of the year. But every spring, it imparted a peace offering: hundreds of bright, happy red and yellow blossoms.

I could smell the sun baked blossoms as we posed for a quick picture. My mom was there too. I remember her breaking off a few flowers to place jauntily in my dad's pocket. And a few blossoms to tuck behind my ear. Fragile, homemade boutonnieres for our special date.

Like the brilliantly colored petals, everyone was cheerful. The excitement of this petite rite of passage imprinted on my young mind accompanied by the sight and fragrance of floral reds and yellows.

This vivid memory, a memory I haven't reflected on in years, flooded my mind within milliseconds of catching sight of the bush. As I rushed past the blossoms, the warm, musty smell of sun baked wild roses waved me on, patting my back, and sealing in the reminiscence.

As I continued on my running path, savoring this cherished memory, I marveled at how quickly it had risen to my conscience. At how vivid it was. And again at how swiftly my mind and heart synchronized afterwards.

And just like that something gave way within me. Almost physically I felt it.

Forgiveness.

It was an instance where the circumstances of the moment harmonized. The music on my playlist was rather melancholy. I was feeling particularly receptive after being worn down by the effort of the first few miles. This was the one and only wild rose bush seen on my entire four mile journey.

There was a release. Of hurt, of anger, of bitterness. A grudge held against parents who made so many mistakes, left back on the trail, laid down to rest next to the rose bush. It was a sudden and enlightening realization that all parents are guilty of negligence and error as they struggle to find their way through parenthood. That there was no point in making them suffer for it anymore. Whether they realized I was doing it or not. Whether I realized I was doing it or not. And a hope that my own children would be kinder to me than I had been on my own mom and dad as I would inevitably have my own grievous faults in raising children.

All that from running.

I started running because I was fat. I keep running because I am healing my body, mind, and soul.

(And it's a heckuva alot cheaper than seeing a real therapist.)

Monday Melancholy

*grumblegroanwhinemoangrouchgrumble*

Ohhhh, it's been a frustrating day.

And I'm not exactly sure why. It's only Monday and I got all the laundry washed, folded, and put away. I did the dishes. Twice. I vacuumed. Three times. I kept the house tidy and neat all day long. We got homework done. I paid bills. I answered phone calls. I organized paper work. I said my prayers. I read scriptures.

I even squeezed in my P90X workout, which I didn't think was going to happen with all the housework and laundry.

A killer day for a mom of four, right?

But for some reason there was very little joy in all of it. Accomplished though it was, I still felt like I was scraping by all day long, just trying to complete something. Anything.

I'm burnt out on P90X and eating healthy.
I'm wondering if there's anything to my life beyond vacuuming floors.
I'm pessimistic about the clean laundry staying in the drawers.
I'm tired of meat and potatoes and veggies, meat and potatoes and veggies, repeat, rinse and repeat, for dinner.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Oh me and my monotonous wonderful little life. What a pity I'm so blessed with so many amazing things, eh?

Good thing I saw this today...



If this guy can do it, with a smile on his face, I can do it without grumbling and complaining.

Happy Monday! Here's to a more joyful Tuesday!

The Fat Leading the Fat

After almost 67 pounds lost I think it's safe to say I'm on this weight loss journey for the long haul. It's a little terrifying to write that out, like I could jinx something and wake up tomorrow morning 67 pounds heavier. But I'm going to be brave, hope that I've learned a few life lessons, and be bold enough to offer a little help to others who may be on this journey as well or considering it. I wanted to share a few tips and bits of advice.

Let me be clear on one thing. I'm no expert. This is definitely the blind leading the blind...or the fat leading the fat if you will.

And I may have already done this, but I'm too lazy to go back and look. Maybe I would be more willing if it burned calories, but I don't think manipulating the mouse for 15 minutes is going to cancel out those cinnamon hot lips candies I had after lunch.

Without further adieu here are some things I do to help me on my weight loss journey:

-I am a big time nibbler, especially during meal preparation. To thwart off nibbling on things like cheese and lovely starchy things that should only be eaten in small portions, I keep a bag or bowl of fresh veggies on the counter top while I cook. This keeps my mouth busy and happy. A conveniently placed, sliced up cucumber or some celery or carrot sticks can save me hundreds of calories.

-Instead of watching TV at night I have been playing Lego Harry Potter on the Wii. I've never been a big gamer, but being a single married at night after the kids go to bed can get awfully boring and lonely. If I'm just sitting and watching TV, I'm thinking about all the food sitting in the cupboards. Thus I am more likely to indulge in late night snacking. If my fingers and brain are engaged in a game, I don't overeat. Plus, Lego Harry Potter is so much dang fun. Childish, but fun.

-I chew gum to keep my mouth busy.

-Weigh yourself often. I only "count" the weights I have on Monday mornings, but I'll admit it. I have compulsive scale disorder. I weigh myself every morning, every night, and before I get in the shower after working out. That's a tad too much I'm sure. Probably every morning would be fine. But it helps me to keep my goals in mind.

-I workout in the morning. This fresh reminder of how hard it is to work off a few hundred calories sticks with me through the day and helps me not to overindulge throughout the day.

-I try not to keep seductive food in the house. (Eat me. Eat me! You know you want me. Now, EAT ME!) If I buy candy or treats I buy ones that I don't particularly enjoy. (Naughty food.)

-When it comes to workouts I have to remember and re-remember all the time that often the hardest part of the workout is getting to it. Once I'm working out those positive vibes are vibing and the workout doesn't seem that bad. It's that time leading up to it where you're dreading it that's the worse. Keep that in mind and like they say "JUST DO IT" when it comes time to workout.

-I have been thrifting all of my clothes that I'm getting too small for. I never want to fit into them again. I have no intention of ever wearing them again. I don't want to keep them around. They're like bad omens or karma that have to go.

-The other day I bought a new (SPANDEX!) outfit and it has done wonders for my eagerness to workout. It's fun having new clothes, even if they're workout clothes! I can't wait to have some spare cash and time to go buy a new pair of running shoes.

-I got tired of listening to the same old songs on my Pandora.com stations when I run. I've started listening to podcasts, NPR, and talk radio. It helps to pass the time and I feel a lot smarter afterwards too.

-Blogging. Blogging has been huge for my weight loss progress. It gives me a place to record my progress and failings, to interact with others in my same situation, to set my goals in a highly visible place, and to feel accountable. My weight loss blog has been more helpful than I ever would have thought. Embarrassing...yes. But helpful too!

-Tracking calories on myfitnesspal.com. I never thought I would be a calorie tracker, but this has been a fantastic weight loss aid so far. I'm much better at watching exactly how much and of what I'm eating. Sometimes when I try to lose weight I go on a bit of an unintentional food strike, but this helps me to remember that it is okay to eat, that you NEED to eat to fuel your body. I'm almost surprised at how much I get to eat and still lose weight. I love that you can have "friends" on there too who can cheer and encourage you on! And the ipad and iphone apps make it super easy to use. Even a computer backward person like me can figure it out.

-I read once that to eat healthily one should "Eat like a queen at breakfast. Eat like a princess for lunch. And eat like a pauper at dinner." We really do need the bulk of our calories/energy in the morning to propel us through the day. It's okay to have a big breakfast. It's okay to eat a hearty lunch. It's good to take it easy at night. This bit of information helps me make better food choices.

-Drink water with lemon slices in it. This is supposed to help the body with water retention due to too much salt ingestion.

I think that's probably enough babbling for now. Let me know if any of this is helpful or new. And please share if you have some tips. I would love to hear them!

Thanks Mom

My mom called me yesterday and asked for some advice on how to begin running. I was really happy to be asked. When it comes to running, the more the merrier. She explained to me that during a workout she had recently ran in place for 10 minutes.

10 minutes?

Geez. I can't even do that.

Sure, I ran a 10K (6 plus miles) without stopping last September, but my running has been hit and miss since then. With the start of the new year I resolved to get myself back into running at least 3 times a week. So far I've been running on the treadmill while Pandora.com plays in the background.

Run one song. Walk one song. Run one song. Walk. Run. Etc.

Last week I was so proud of myself for "pushing" to running one and a half songs and then walking half or one song. At best that's only 6 or 7 minutes of constant running.

And my mom can run 10?

Dangit.

By no means is my mom decrepit or incapable. It's just...She's my mom. She's older wiser and she hasn't run regularly or in a 10K race like I have. I have to admit, as happy as I was to hear her taking an interest in running, this was a low blow to my ego. It just simply wouldn't do.

So as I stepped on the treadmill the next day--today--I had one goal in mind.

10 minutes. No. Wait. More than 10 minutes.

25 minutes later...

I stepped off the treadmill sweaty, worked, accomplished.

There really is something to that whole "mind over matter" business. I thought I was barely making it through 5 minutes and that I was working so hard going for a whole long amazing 5 minutes. How on earth did 5 really difficult minutes turn into 25 minutes?

It's not my body that limits me. It's my brain.

I can do anything. I just need to believe I can.

"Whether you think you can or you can't...you're right."

So thank you, Mom, for inspiring me to do better and for pushing me out of my comfort zone! And way to go on running yourself. How 'bout a little half-marathon in September, eh??? Love you!