C'mon Spring! You Can Do It!

Thanks to restless kids, I was wide awake at 5 am Monday morning.

Sometimes I really want to _________ my kids when they wake us all up that early.

(Fill in the blank with the appropriate term. Just don't call CPS. I promise that as much as I may want to _________ my kids, I am not.)

And then sometimes I really want to thank them for yanking  me out of bed that early. That gives me the opportunity to get out of the house and run my miles OUTSIDE while Joe is still home. It almost always makes my day when I start it with an outdoor run. I'm not very good about answering to an alarm clock. At least it will go away once you hit "snooze". The kids don't come with snooze buttons and they are not easily ignored.

Dangit.

Anyway, since I was up at 5 am, I ran my four miles outside. Yay!, but may I whine for a moment?

Weren't you already whining about the kids?

Yes, but can I whine about something else?

I'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that you, whoever "you" is, said, "Yes! Please! Whine to me!"

I really try to make it a personal point not to whine about the weather. I live in Utah, where many a license plate totes the saying "The Best Snow on Earth". It snows here. A lot and for a long time. It comes every year, without fail. And I'm totally chill with that. (Ha ha! Get it? "Chill"?)

So...it drives me crazy when people complain about something so unchangeable as the weather. Every year, like clockwork, like WEATHER, we know winter is coming. Along with it comes snow. Cold, icy, wet snow.

Don't like it? Fine. Move! I hear Arizona or California or Hawaii is lovely this time of year. But if you insist on living somewhere where there are four distinct seasons, don't moan and murmer every single time the snow flies or the temperature soars above 85. If you don't like something, CHANGE IT! If you can't change it...DEAL WITH IT. Quietly, please.

That being said...

This is the first winter I have braved the elements and trained/ran through. And I am so so so so sosososososososoSOOOOO sick of the cold and dark and ice and danger of winter running!

C'MON SPRING!!! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

Mental

Half a dozen times I have sat down at my computer and tried to write out a post about what a failure I have been at eating healthy and losing weight lately. But I couldn't even get past the first sentence.

So...I failed at failing?

*sigh*

What can I say? I have not been as ambitious about my health as I have been before. I'm still training for my marathon in May and getting most of my runs in, but healthy eating...meh. And working out on other days...meh.

As a result I have gained back some weight. Meh.

Can you believe that you can run 10 or more miles every Saturday along with shorter runs through the week and GAIN weight?! Insane, isn't it? There really is no making up for a poor diet.

I know I need to eat clean. I know HOW to eat clean. It's just the DOING it part that I am struggling with. I can't believe this is STILL a struggle. Shouldn't I be a pro at this by now? How am I still rendered powerless by sugar cravings? Ridiculous.

Sugar really is a drug. When I'm "detoxing" my mood could be likened to a smoker who is trying to quit. Cranky, angry, sensitive. It's ugly. And kind of scary that a simple substance can have such power over a person.

My current attitude towards healthy eating fluctuates, sometimes hourly. Sometimes I want to try really hard to lose another 30 pounds. Just another 30 and then I'll be happy. Then I'll be "skinny" and at my goal weight (past it actually) and into the clothes size I hardly dared to dream about.

Sometimes I could care less how much I weigh. I'm comfortable at this weight. I fit in my clothes. I can run miles and miles at a time. My husband loves me at this size. Why try harder?

And then I swing back to the other side of the pendulum. If I just stop eating sweets and carbs...

And then...But I love sweets and carbs and I want to try new recipes and new foods and enjoy meals with my family.

And then...But my brother's wedding could be coming up and I might bump into old friends when I visit Hometown, Idaho.

And then...But it's so hard and I just don't care enough to commit.

Ugh. Sometimes I feel a tad schizophrenic when it comes to body image and health and food.

And I still haven't exactly decided which voice to listen to.

I Don't Wanna

This morning my alarm went off at 6:15 am. After a few moments of arguing with myself, I got up, put on my running clothes, and went for a 3.5 mile run. I did it because I was certain I would feel better about myself, about the day, about life, if I did.

It didn't work.

I have struggled all day to accomplish anything more. It's just a "I don't wanna do anything I'm supposed to do" kind of day.

For that matter...I'm having more of a "I don't wanna" kind of month.

People ask me how I'm doing so well with weight loss and I feel like a liar when I tell them I try to eat right and run and do P90X. That may have been true a month ago...

I'm so burned out on P90X. I have two weeks left before I'm an official P90X grad. I've been repeating weeks that I flubbed up on. Last week was one of those. I missed over half of the workouts and I only ran once. I've been drinking tons of pop. Eating all sorts of chocolate and sugar and junk. Skipping out on veggies. And just feeling like an all around mess.

I know what I need to do to get back on track: have a little self control.

I know I can do it: I've done it before.

I know. But I don't wanna.

I keep telling myself, "It's okay. Take a break. Relax. Just hit it hard after Memorial Day weekend."

But that feels like cheating. It feels like I haven't truly learned a thing since starting this weight loss journey. 82 pounds lost and I haven't gained a darn bit of sense about being healthy.

I know that's not true. I'm just kind of down on myself lately. I am my own worst enemy. I keep beating myself up for not losing any more weight since my birthday. I've maintained right at 199.6 since April 18th. I keep thinking how dumb I am for not losing more, for eating so unhealthily lately, for struggling as much as I have been.

Memorial Day weekend is going to spent with lots of family since both my sisters are blessing their new babies that Sunday. I want to look smashing since I have worked so hard this year to lose weight. Plus, both my sisters and sister in law, even freshly postpartum will look severely smashing. And I don't even have their excuse as to why I still have a belly.

I was complaining to my husband and sister about not losing more weight lately and that I can only say, "I have lost 82 pounds" not "I have lost 90 pounds". They quickly put me in my place. "Yeah, because 82 pounds is just pathetic!" as they roll their eyes.

Why am I so quick to brush away my own success?
Why can't I seem to get a grip on true healthy eating?
Why am I not more comfortable in my own skin by now?
Why do I have to fight this battle my whole life?
Why hasn't it gotten any easier?

Monday Melancholy

*grumblegroanwhinemoangrouchgrumble*

Ohhhh, it's been a frustrating day.

And I'm not exactly sure why. It's only Monday and I got all the laundry washed, folded, and put away. I did the dishes. Twice. I vacuumed. Three times. I kept the house tidy and neat all day long. We got homework done. I paid bills. I answered phone calls. I organized paper work. I said my prayers. I read scriptures.

I even squeezed in my P90X workout, which I didn't think was going to happen with all the housework and laundry.

A killer day for a mom of four, right?

But for some reason there was very little joy in all of it. Accomplished though it was, I still felt like I was scraping by all day long, just trying to complete something. Anything.

I'm burnt out on P90X and eating healthy.
I'm wondering if there's anything to my life beyond vacuuming floors.
I'm pessimistic about the clean laundry staying in the drawers.
I'm tired of meat and potatoes and veggies, meat and potatoes and veggies, repeat, rinse and repeat, for dinner.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Oh me and my monotonous wonderful little life. What a pity I'm so blessed with so many amazing things, eh?

Good thing I saw this today...



If this guy can do it, with a smile on his face, I can do it without grumbling and complaining.

Happy Monday! Here's to a more joyful Tuesday!

Whining and Weighing-In and Winning

I keep waiting for this process to get easier.

I need to realize that it is just not going to. In fact, it may even get harder the farther into it I get.

Knowing that is so frustrating to myself.

This morning I stood and looked at myself in the mirror as I do often, searching, searching, searching for evidence that I am changing, shrinking, getting fitter and healthier. So far, I don't see much happening. I try to think positively and imagine how I will look twenty, forty, eighty, one hundred pounds from now. It just feels so impossible some days.

Will I ever be able to do it?

Will I ever be able to watch other people eat dessert and not go through the mental debate: "Just a bit! No! Just a little bit! I'll exercise extra hard tomorrow! No way! I hate this!! Why can't I just eat and be fat AND happy?"

Ugh.

I still can't let myself think about chocolate too much. If I do I start to think how easy it would be to make some chocolate chip cookies, even though these have never been a huge temptation before. The kids ask for a treat and I think about how much fun it would be for all of us to gather in the kitchen and bake cookies together. This might be okay once in awhile but every day like I want to?

I flip through my cook book looking for a dinner recipe and I see a recipe for Bread Pudding. Bread Pudding! I've always wanted to learn how to make that! But if I make it I will snack while I make it and I will scarf down a bunch of it once it's made. I would love to pick up baking or cooking as a hobby, but it's too dangerous.

I made Joe a Father's Day dinner of Pasta Carbonara (think bacon and Parmesan cheese), frog eye salad (pasta and sugar), and homemade cream puffs (butter, pudding, chocolate!). For the life of me, I couldn't keep my fingers out of the food. This must be why alcoholics never make good bar tenders. It's just too darn tempting.

I think it is probably the Father's Day menu that undid me. Today was weigh-in day and I only lost 1.2 pounds (22.6 pounds total).

I know, I know. It's an achievement to just have lost something, but if only I had been more disciplined... If only I had gotten one more workout in... If only this and only that. A girl could drive herself crazy. I need to calm down about this process. I know it's going to take a long time. I'm just not very good at being patient.

I've got to hang on to the good things that are happening.

• When Joe got home from his two week trip, he hugged me and commented that I felt smaller to him.
• I'm still wearing the same pants as I did 22.6 pounds ago, but they feel looser in the thighs, butt, and waist.
• Despite the mental torture, I am able to say "no thank you" when dessert goes round.
• I think just maybe I might be able to see my collar bone beginning to emerge from my chest. Just a hint.
• My face feels thinner.
• My skin feels nice with all the water I'm drinking.
• Drinking tons of water has become second nature.
• I've stopped chewing my fingernails and they look really nice right now.
• With the help from control panel under-roos, I can fit into a skirt I haven't worn in several years.
• I have made my way from 281.5, through the 270s, past the 260s, and now to the 250s.
• I can't wait to be on the lighter side of 250 and I'm getting closer.
• Eating after 8 pm has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually quite a safeguard against mistakes.
• I've lost the equivalent pounds of my baby plus a few. When I pick her up and feel how heavy she is, that makes me feel a little better.
• I'm not as tired all the time.
• My sisters told me a couple of weeks ago that I just seem happier.
• I am not as squeamish about cuddling with my husband out of pure embarrassment of myself.
• My children are eating a lot healthier. No pop, no chicken nuggets, no junk. I like that I am finally practicing what I preach.
• I can go to a restaurant and make better choices.
• I have more endurance and breath when working out. I don't fatigue as quickly and exercise actually feels good instead of being unbearable and undesirable.
• We spend more time together as a family outside being active.
• I just feel better: more proactive, more in control, more capable. I am closer to being the person I want to be than I was a month and a half ago.

So...I guess there are a few good things happening after all.

How are you all doing out there? What good things are happening for you?

I'm Losing It and I Don't Mean the Weight

UGH!!

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ugh.

I warned you. This could get whiny. Well, I would hate to disappoint.

I'm losing it! And by "losing it" I don't mean the weight.

I am losing my self control.
I am losing my motivation.
I am losing my desire to want to be skinny and healthy.

You know that stupid phrase that goes something like "No food tastes as good as skinny looks"?

Poppycock. Nonsense. Balderdash. Milarky. Bull honkey.

Have you ever tasted Mrs. See's chocolates??? No skinny jeans feel as good as that creamy sweet chocolately goodness melting on your tongue.

Three plus weeks into this journey and I still struggle to feel any stronger than I did on day one. I want to eat all the junk. I cave when my husband says "let's put ice cream in with those strawberries instead of yogurt". "Just a little bit" quickly spirals out of control into "all of it".

*head drops on desk*

I HATE THIS!!!!

I am not losing weight like I did when I was in my 20s!
I can't stand watching everybody else eating all the yummy stuff while I gnaw on green leafy things!
I'm sick of obsessing over every little thing that does or does not come near my mouth!

I'm exhausted from trying to fit a workout in every day! Being a mother is a workout in itself. That should count for something, but it doesn't. Being a mother got me to 281.5 pounds.

Well, it wasn't just being a mother, but that didn't help the weight situation.

I get angry--like real hot steaming mad angry--thinking about all the things I need to deny myself if I want to be successful at this.

I feel hopeless thinking even if I am successful with this, will I just gain it all back like I have every other time before?

As you can tell my thoughts are not in such a rainbows and puppy dog tails place tonight...

I have appreciated hearing things like "Take this one day at a time" and "Every day is a new day". If I keep thinking about that I won't let the way I have been feeling the last few days take me down.

Ugh.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming... Even when I feel like I am drowning...in chocolate...Stop that!...in celery and green leafy salad and oatmeal and whole grains and... *sob*