I need to realize that it is just not going to. In fact, it may even get harder the farther into it I get.
Knowing that is so frustrating to myself.
This morning I stood and looked at myself in the mirror as I do often, searching, searching, searching for evidence that I am changing, shrinking, getting fitter and healthier. So far, I don't see much happening. I try to think positively and imagine how I will look twenty, forty, eighty, one hundred pounds from now. It just feels so impossible some days.
Will I ever be able to do it?
Will I ever be able to watch other people eat dessert and not go through the mental debate: "Just a bit! No! Just a little bit! I'll exercise extra hard tomorrow! No way! I hate this!! Why can't I just eat and be fat AND happy?"
I still can't let myself think about chocolate too much. If I do I start to think how easy it would be to make some chocolate chip cookies, even though these have never been a huge temptation before. The kids ask for a treat and I think about how much fun it would be for all of us to gather in the kitchen and bake cookies together. This might be okay once in awhile but every day like I want to?
I flip through my cook book looking for a dinner recipe and I see a recipe for Bread Pudding. Bread Pudding! I've always wanted to learn how to make that! But if I make it I will snack while I make it and I will scarf down a bunch of it once it's made. I would love to pick up baking or cooking as a hobby, but it's too dangerous.
I made Joe a Father's Day dinner of Pasta Carbonara (think bacon and Parmesan cheese), frog eye salad (pasta and sugar), and homemade cream puffs (butter, pudding, chocolate!). For the life of me, I couldn't keep my fingers out of the food. This must be why alcoholics never make good bar tenders. It's just too darn tempting.
I think it is probably the Father's Day menu that undid me. Today was weigh-in day and I only lost 1.2 pounds (22.6 pounds total).
I know, I know. It's an achievement to just have lost something, but if only I had been more disciplined... If only I had gotten one more workout in... If only this and only that. A girl could drive herself crazy. I need to calm down about this process. I know it's going to take a long time. I'm just not very good at being patient.
I've got to hang on to the good things that are happening.
- When Joe got home from his two week trip, he hugged me and commented that I felt smaller to him.
- I'm still wearing the same pants as I did 22.6 pounds ago, but they feel looser in the thighs, butt, and waist.
- Despite the mental torture, I am able to say "no thank you" when dessert goes round.
- I think just maybe I might be able to see my collar bone beginning to emerge from my chest. Just a hint.
- My face feels thinner.
- My skin feels nice with all the water I'm drinking.
- Drinking tons of water has become second nature.
- I've stopped chewing my fingernails and they look really nice right now.
- With the help from control panel under-roos, I can fit into a skirt I haven't worn in several years.
- I have made my way from 281.5, through the 270s, past the 260s, and now to the 250s.
- I can't wait to be on the lighter side of 250 and I'm getting closer.
- Eating after 8 pm has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually quite a safeguard against mistakes.
- I've lost the equivalent pounds of my baby plus a few. When I pick her up and feel how heavy she is, that makes me feel a little better.
- I'm not as tired all the time.
- My sisters told me a couple of weeks ago that I just seem happier.
- I am not as squeamish about cuddling with my husband out of pure embarrassment of myself.
- My children are eating a lot healthier. No pop, no chicken nuggets, no junk. I like that I am finally practicing what I preach.
- I can go to a restaurant and make better choices.
- I have more endurance and breath when working out. I don't fatigue as quickly and exercise actually feels good instead of being unbearable and undesirable.
- We spend more time together as a family outside being active.
- I just feel better: more proactive, more in control, more capable. I am closer to being the person I want to be than I was a month and a half ago.
So...I guess there are a few good things happening after all.
How are you all doing out there? What good things are happening for you?