One Year Ago Yesterday

Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary. I couldn't resist peeking back on the blog to see what I was whining about back then. I had this dim memory of being really excited about running one mile without stopping. Sure enough...I was thrilled with running one dinky little mile.

Wanna know how much I ran on my anniversary this year?

5 miles!

And wanna know how much weight I lost since my last anniversary?

Last year on July 11th I was pretty thrilled with being at 251.3. That meant I had lost 30.2 pounds so far.

This year on July 11th I weighed 194.4. That's 56.9 pounds lost since my last wedding anniversary!!! and 87.1 total pounds lost over my weight loss journey!!

Do you know how amazing that feels?!

For anyone who is reading this and thinking, "Well, sure...That was easy for you. But I can't do it..."

SHUT UP!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

This was anything but easy for me! If you've read this blog at all over the last year or so you've heard me whine and cry and complain. You've seen me fail over and over again. You've watched me fall off the bandwagon only to keep getting up and getting back on. So many times over.

I have worked for every single pound lost and I have worked hard.

But that doesn't make it an impossible thing either. This weight loss thing ain't easy, but it's so so so worth it. I am so much happier than I was a year ago. I used to struggle with depression constantly. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my body. That depression is not totally gone, but it is so much easier to deal with now.

I have a confidence now that I did not have a year ago. I actually like to leave my house and see people now. I can do things, miraculous things, like run 6 miles at a time or hike a mountain or play with my kids or shop in the "normal" clothes section at the store or walk into a running store without (much) fear or pose for a picture and not loathe the person I see on the image.

If you are considering a weight loss journey of your own this is my advice to you:

Give yourself a year. Realize that this is no simple easy little trip. This takes dedication, persistence, and hard work. Don't fall apart because you haven't lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Give yourself time. Give yourself a break.

Even if you can only do one pushup, that's one more pushup than you could do sitting on the couch. Even if you crash off your healthy eating and go psycho on a bag of Oreos, you don't have to give up. Try harder the next day. And keep going the next day. And the next and the next and the next. Until one day you look back and realized you have become a different person. You'll be cranking out pushups and ignoring Oreos like nobody's business.

YOU CAN DO IT!!! For reals! Just get up and do it!

My daughter watches this stupid cartoon on Netflix. Something about Sky Dancers. They say this phrase over and over again. "If it is to be, it's up to me!" SOOOOOOO true my friends! No one else is going to drag you off the couch. No one is going to shove you out the door. No one is going to dump that 44 oz soda cup out. It's up to YOU. If it's gonna happen it's because YOU did it. And how sweet will the success be when you know YOU did it?

Word.

Losing the Baby Weight!

Umm... Hello?

Is this blog still on?

High time for an update, don't you think?

Things are much much muchmuchmuch better since the last woeful post I wrote about the medication I was taking for chronic dizziness. I called the neurologist that prescribed it and he said, "Get off of it!". I concurred. But then he prescribed me another medication and when I looked up the details, I noticed that dizziness just happened to be one of the biggest side effects.

Huh???

Does he remember why I walked into his office in the first place?

I decided to scrap the neurologist and his silly medications and do things my way.

Medication-free.

I still have the dizziness. It's obnoxious, but it's not unbearable. Plus I don't feel like I want to eat my young or dive headfirst into a bucket of ice cream. I'd say that's an overall improvement, wouldn't you?

Over the last several weeks that I have been medication free, I've gotten back on track with diet and exercise. I'm still plugging away at the P90X program. One of my fitness goals is to complete the program in its entirety and I just finished Week 7!

I am also running three days a week and loveloveloving the chance to do it outside! My husband has been home for the past couple of weeks so as soon as he walks in the door from the office I run out the door. Literally. It's a wonderful/terrible/wonderful release that I anticipate all day. He is leaving again on Easter Sunday and won't be back until May. Guh! I've got to figure out a way to get outside while he's gone.

(Thinkthinkthink.)

How about a weight update, eh?

On Monday, the 2nd, the scale said I had lost a grand total of 78.1 pounds since last May when I began my weight loss journey.

Wowza!

That means I have lost this much...

...the same amount of weight as my heaviest and lightest child! It's (not) funny to lift them and think about how not so long ago I was carrying all of that with me all the time. It's also funny that it's not so hard to lift them these days. It probably has something to do with all these rippling muscles I'm building. (hee hee!)

The other day as I was working out along with the P90X DVD, my son said, "Hey Mom! You've got those bulgy things that the people on the TV do!"

Dang straight I do, kid! Tickets to the gun show anyone??

Ya'all...Life is good! It is so much better than it was almost a year ago! I feel so much better about...ME!

I am capable! I am strong! I am beautiful! I am worthwhile!

Really, I say that with humility. It isn't easy to say even still, even at 78 pounds lighter. Especially when I see all the stretch marks and baggy skin hanging off of me. It's an embarrassing and painful reminder of what I used to be. But it also serves as a safeguard that will hopefully scare me from ever getting to that wretched place again. One day I will make peace with this body of mine. And every day I feel a little closer to doing just that.

These days I'm eagerly looking forward to a major milestone: getting under the 200 pound mark. I'm at 203.4. It's soooo darn close! My goal is to be there by April 18th, my 31st birthday. I have 15 days.

Can I do it???

I sure hope so!

I may eat like a horse, but at least I can run like one too

I'm so frustrated with my weight gain this week. I'm even more disgusted with my lack of self control when it comes to food. This weight loss journey is such a...journey. Sometimes I start to feel too weary and just want to give up. I've been on weight loss journeys before and that's what I've always done when the going gets tough. I give up and I eat my way back to the weight I was before plus some. I'm simply not going to let that happen this time. I haven't come this far to give up over a few lousy weight loss weeks.

Plateaus happen. So what?!

I think one thing that's helping me be successful when I haven't been successful so many other times is that my goals include more than weight loss numbers. Yes, I want to lose weight and I want to see those numbers on the scale drop, but when the plateaus happen as they inevitably will what will keep me motivated and going?

I may not be reaching my weight loss goals right now, but I'm killing my fitness goals. I weigh 238 pounds, but I can run 6.2 miles without stopping one single time. Pardon my french and my lack of humility, but that is freaking awesome! How many 120 pound people can do that?

I'm not at a point in my weight loss where I am comfortable with how I look. I am not willing to just "be okay" with my current weight yet. I still have weight loss goals to meet and pants to buy. I'm not giving up on my healthy eating, but this is the kind of day where it's okay that I can't be perfect at losing weight, but I can be perfect at meeting a fitness goal.

For now, that is my motivation to keep trying.

Two Weeks In

I weighed myself this morning hoping I had lost maybe 4 pounds this week.

7.6 pounds lost?!?!

Yeehaw!!

That makes a total of 10.6 pounds lost in two weeks. I must be doing something right.

I celebrated my victory with a pancake and bacon breakfast.

JUST KIDDING!

But I did make some peanut butter candy (of the school district variety) and instead of nibbling away at the whole pan over the day, I ate a few small pieces, cut up the rest, and ran them over to the neighbors.

Not only do I get to enjoy my treat, I avoid the calories, and make nice with my neighbors. Everybody's a winner.

And today...I have to admit, I feel like I am WINNING!! (Can't say that without thinking of one Mr. Sheen.) At least winning the weight battle. I know I have so far to go and this is just a small victory, but it's a great kick start for the rest of the war.

I'm one-tenth the way there. And that's a heckuva a lot farther than I was two weeks ago. Who knew two weeks could change a person's outlook? Instead of feeling like a waste of (a rather large piece of) space, I feel...

proactive
in control
positive
optimistic
eager to try

Not every moment of every day feels like that. Every day is a roller coaster ride of anger, sadness, despair, hope, courage, willingness to try, pride, defeat, anger, sadness, despair....and back up again.

I hope as I make more progress, that roller coaster will only level out more and more until it doesn't feel like such an hourly power struggle. I think I can feel that happening already.

My husband is out of town this week which is good because I don't have to cook for him and I can eat as healthy as I want without his whining and complaining that I'm starving him. And bad because I miss him and want to dive head first into the bag of chocolate chips sitting in my pantry to soothe my pain.

It doesn't help that I get frustrated and overwhelmed with taking care of four littles all on my own. My previous reaction to my temporary stints in single motherhood was that as soon as the kids were in bed, I would watch a movie and eat mindlessly, out of boredom, out of loneliness.

I've been trying to replace those late night cravings for sweets with berries and low-fat vanilla yogurt. It's working so far.

Well, two weeks in and going strong. Thanks for all the comments of support! I think about them often during those nasty roller coaster plunges. Who knew blogging could overpower the urge to eat chocolate??? Amazing.

On to week three...