Getting a little more JOLLY, a little more GREEN, and a little less GIANT.

29 June 2011

Gangrene Goals

My goals are not working out for me. It's time to change them up.

All of my goals are based on running and after three weeks of trying to run I have had to confess that my body is not ready to run right now. My knees went from irritated to hurt to painful to tear-inducing torture. I began to dread my running days and looking for excuses to get out of it.

Plus my 5 month old baby Cee grew wise to my running routine.

She used to be content to sit in the stroller and sleep or watch. Now she screams the entire 45 minutes. I would run a lap. Pat her and try to soothe her. Run another lap. Pat. Soothe. Run. Soothe. Run. Soothe. It didn't work. Two--TWO!-- moms came wandering by looking to see where the neglected baby was at. It was embarrassing and frustrating.

Have you ever tried to run while listening to a screaming, not crying, but freaking-out-screaming baby???

It feels like trying to jog with someone jogging at your side saying, "You can't do this. You're a bad mom. You're wrong to try. You're fat. Give up. You CAN'T. Just stop."

When I realized how often the word "can't" was rolling through my brain, I started talking to myself out loud to drown out the pessimism.

"I CAN do this. I NEED to this. I am NOT a bad mom. I CAN do this!"

But between the crying knees and crying baby...I have to call it quits. Not on exercise altogether. Just on jogging for right now. This is not positive exercise.

Maybe when Cee is a little older.
Maybe when I'm fifty pounds lighter.
Maybe when my husband is in town longer than the weekend and I don't have four littles along for the ride.

But now I have this list of goals that includes running miles and 5Ks and even a marathon. I don't know what goals to make if they don't involve distances like that. Where do I go from here? I'm afraid my exercise motivation is wandering.

I keep meaning to officially start P90X, but I'll admit it. I'm scared. Pull ups? Push ups? Eek!

I feel like I have hit a wall. I know there's a way over it. I just don't know how yet.

I'm Still Here

Hi! Here I am!

I'm still here and still being accountable. With Joe out of town, four little ones running around, and a work from home job I simply lack the time to post too often.

Weigh-in day was Monday, as always. I was down another 3.1 pounds bringing me to a total of 25.7 pounds lost in total since 09 May 2011. Not too shabby for 7 weeks of exercising and eating right.

The Fourth of July is coming up this weekend and I'm bracing for the temptations. My sister sent me the menu plans for the weekend today (Isn't she organized?) and of course there are carbs, sweets, and pop galore.

Memorial Day was hard for me as we gathered as a family and the treats were passed around again and again. My family is aware that I am trying to lose weight and get healthy. After I turned down a few treats they encouraged me by saying they were impressed with my self control. That really did help me to feel better about being "left out" of the goodies. And I felt strong being able to resist the temporary satisfaction of consuming lots of unhealthy and needless calories.

I hope I can be as strong this week. I am getting closer and closer to being below the 250 mark and that is really exciting to me. I don't want to screw it up with some temporary holiday treats. When meal time comes around I plan to load up at least half of my plate with veggies and fruits, a little protein, and then a small amount of carbs. Filling up on the veggies will help me to avoid making dumb, impulsive food choices. And of course, drink lots of water. NO POP!

How do you avoid the festivities feeding frenzy???

20 June 2011

Whining and Weighing-In and Winning

I keep waiting for this process to get easier.

I need to realize that it is just not going to. In fact, it may even get harder the farther into it I get.

Knowing that is so frustrating to myself.

This morning I stood and looked at myself in the mirror as I do often, searching, searching, searching for evidence that I am changing, shrinking, getting fitter and healthier. So far, I don't see much happening. I try to think positively and imagine how I will look twenty, forty, eighty, one hundred pounds from now. It just feels so impossible some days.

Will I ever be able to do it?

Will I ever be able to watch other people eat dessert and not go through the mental debate: "Just a bit! No! Just a little bit! I'll exercise extra hard tomorrow! No way! I hate this!! Why can't I just eat and be fat AND happy?"


I still can't let myself think about chocolate too much. If I do I start to think how easy it would be to make some chocolate chip cookies, even though these have never been a huge temptation before. The kids ask for a treat and I think about how much fun it would be for all of us to gather in the kitchen and bake cookies together. This might be okay once in awhile but every day like I want to?

I flip through my cook book looking for a dinner recipe and I see a recipe for Bread Pudding. Bread Pudding! I've always wanted to learn how to make that! But if I make it I will snack while I make it and I will scarf down a bunch of it once it's made. I would love to pick up baking or cooking as a hobby, but it's too dangerous.

I made Joe a Father's Day dinner of Pasta Carbonara (think bacon and Parmesan cheese), frog eye salad (pasta and sugar), and homemade cream puffs (butter, pudding, chocolate!). For the life of me, I couldn't keep my fingers out of the food. This must be why alcoholics never make good bar tenders. It's just too darn tempting.

I think it is probably the Father's Day menu that undid me. Today was weigh-in day and I only lost 1.2 pounds (22.6 pounds total).

I know, I know. It's an achievement to just have lost something, but if only I had been more disciplined... If only I had gotten one more workout in... If only this and only that. A girl could drive herself crazy. I need to calm down about this process. I know it's going to take a long time. I'm just not very good at being patient.

I've got to hang on to the good things that are happening.

  • When Joe got home from his two week trip, he hugged me and commented that I felt smaller to him.
  • I'm still wearing the same pants as I did 22.6 pounds ago, but they feel looser in the thighs, butt, and waist.
  • Despite the mental torture, I am able to say "no thank you" when dessert goes round.
  • I think just maybe I might be able to see my collar bone beginning to emerge from my chest. Just a hint.
  • My face feels thinner.
  • My skin feels nice with all the water I'm drinking.
  • Drinking tons of water has become second nature.
  • I've stopped chewing my fingernails and they look really nice right now.
  • With the help from control panel under-roos, I can fit into a skirt I haven't worn in several years.
  • I have made my way from 281.5, through the 270s, past the 260s, and now to the 250s.
  • I can't wait to be on the lighter side of 250 and I'm getting closer.
  • Eating after 8 pm has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually quite a safeguard against mistakes.
  • I've lost the equivalent pounds of my baby plus a few. When I pick her up and feel how heavy she is, that makes me feel a little better.
  • I'm not as tired all the time.
  • My sisters told me a couple of weeks ago that I just seem happier.
  • I am not as squeamish about cuddling with my husband out of pure embarrassment of myself.
  • My children are eating a lot healthier. No pop, no chicken nuggets, no junk. I like that I am finally practicing what I preach.
  • I can go to a restaurant and make better choices.
  • I have more endurance and breath when working out. I don't fatigue as quickly and exercise actually feels good instead of being unbearable and undesirable.
  • We spend more time together as a family outside being active.
  • I just feel better: more proactive, more in control, more capable. I am closer to being the person I want to be than I was a month and a half ago.

So...I guess there are a few good things happening after all.

How are you all doing out there? What good things are happening for you?

14 June 2011

Breakfast! The Meal of Champions

I love breakfast!

It's got to be one of my three favorite meals of the day for sure! And breakfast is good any time of the day. Pancakes for dinner? You betcha!


No. That's the old me. The new me doesn't get to scarf down blueberry pancakes like there's no tomorrow. The new me chooses breakfast wisely. A good breakfast can determine how the rest of my day goes. If I have a good start, I'm more likely to keep the momentum the rest of the day.

And what makes for a good breakfast? Protein! Who knew? Isn't it strange that most of our breakfast choices are carb loaded? Pancakes and french toast and muffins and bagels and donuts and waffles and all that other yummy stuff. Eating protein instead or at least WITH our carbs is the way to go. It helps us feel fuller, faster, finer.

So, that's what I've been trying to do. Get a serving of good protein in every morning.

Bacon and sausage protein? Nope.

More like eggs, peanut butter, ground flax seed, low fat cottage cheese protein.

My new favorite breakfast these days is a homemade fruit smoothie along with a piece of whole grain toast smeared with peanut butter. Ahhh! Delicious, nutritious, and non-malicious.

Evelyn's Probably-Not-So-Original Fruit Smoothie:

*sliced up fresh fruit (Use whatever's lying around the kitchen. This week it's fresh strawberries, kiwi, and pineapple. Thank you Costco and Bountiful Baskets!)
*8 oz light, nonfat vanilla yogurt (This will sweeten up your smoothie "naturally")
*1 cup of ice
*a little soy milk (or cow's milk) to make it the consistency you want
*2 TBSP ground flax seed (I found a 3 lb bag at Costco for something like $6)

Side note: Flax seed is a great source of protein, fiber, and omega-3 fatty acids. It's easy to throw into foods like baking mixes, cereals, soups, and of course smoothies. After a friend in AZ told me about the benefits of flax seed I did a little investigating. You can find flax seed in three different forms: whole seeds, ground up, and liquefied into oil. From what I read, not that I'm ANY kind of expert, ground is the way to go. Whole seeds will just pass through the system undigested and flax oil does is too processed and does not contain all of the beneficial seed.

Use a blender to mix up your smoothie ingredients, pour into a glass, and enjoy!

The first day I made this I had three little kids snooping into my glass vying for a drink. Since then I make extras and share. Hey! If it's healthy for me, it's healthy for them. And they think they're drinking milk shakes for breakfast. Hand me The Coolest Mom award now, thank you.

I would love some new breakfast ideas. Got some???

13 June 2011

Just Another Weigh-in Monday (Oooh-wee-ohh!)

Is it weird that I actually look forward to Monday mornings now? My anticipation is a potpourri of fear and hope.

Did I lose weight? How much? Were my efforts worth it? Did I mess it all up by eating those cookies?

I don't know why I get so anxious--kind of in my nature I guess. Every weigh-in is a reason to celebrate. Whether it be 1 pound or 10 pounds, it's less pounds than I had the week before and less pounds than I started out with back in May. I have to keep telling myself that. Otherwise I would go crazy.

Looking ahead, knowing I have 100 pounds to lose feels like not only is there an elephant in the room, but that elephant is stampeding its way towards me, intent on my demise.

I'm going to get mooshed.

But if I do like they say and take that elephant on one bite at a time (Do you think elephant is a good source of protein?) it seems a little more manageable. Then at least the elephant isn't barreling its way towards me; I'm barreling towards it...?

This analogy went kind of south...

Anyway! The results of today's weigh-in are: 5.9 pounds lost this week.

That's kind of huge. Like I'm-trying-not-to-gloat huge. Like maybe-I-really-can-do-this huge. Like maybe-that-article-I-read-about-not-eating-after-8-pm-does-NOT-make-any-difference-is-wrong huge.

I'm pretty darn pleased with that number. So pleased I think I just may go for another wog today.

Bring it on Week 6!

P.S. Thank you so much to all the words of support and encouragement! Good luck in your healthy endeavors this week too!!

10 June 2011

About the Baby...

A couple of people have asked me if my weight loss plan is a good idea right now.

"Right now" meaning "being a nursing mom of a 4 month old infant".

And the short answer is: Definitely!

The long answer is this:

I weigh 260 plus pounds (281.5 at the beginning). That is most likely considered morbidly obese. I don't know for sure; I'm too afraid to look at any charts. This body of mine could stand to lose quite a bit of weight to be in a much healthier state as a nursing mother, as a mother period.

My children need me to be healthy. They need me to have energy. They need me to be happy. They just plain NEED me. And if I am morbidly obese...I am not going to be here for them.

As for 4 month old Cee... She will be 5 months on the 20th of June. At her 4 month appointment she weighed a whopping 18 pounds. She is 95% on the growth charts for weight, height, and head size.

When I asked the pediatrician about my plan to lose weight by cutting calories and exercising and that I was concerned about my milk supply being enough for Cee, she laughed in my face.


And when I turned to look at my rolly-poly, dimply, pudgy little big baby I felt stupid for even asking. Of course she's getting enough milk.

I mean...Look at her. Look at those dimples and rolls and cheeks and chinS! (And why are they so darn cute on her and not on me???)

When I first started cutting calories I did feel a diminish in my milk supply. It really worried me, thus the reason I asked my pediatrician about my weight loss plans. Her reply, after laughing of course, was not to worry. As long as I was eating healthy and drinking PLENTY of fluids (which I am) then Cee would be just fine. And actually not just fine...Better! She'll reap the benefits of a healthier cow mom too.

I noticed that the longer I have stuck with my new lifestyle change the better my body has adapted to it. My milk supply is fierce. Cee is satisfied and happy and plump as ever. I really have been very careful to make sure I am not doing anything to endanger my child. As much as I want to be thin and gorgeous healthy and in shape I want even more for her to be happy and well-fed and developing normally.

I will always put her before myself, along with my other three children. But at this time in my life, putting my health and well-being above other things (such as Facebook and social blogging) is something I am doing for them as well as me. And hopefully the example I am setting in making healthier choices will be one that they choose to follow too.

I'm grateful for friends who worry about my children's safety as well as my own. But trust me. I am doing this safely. Slowly, but surely, but safely.

09 June 2011


When I left the house this morning, jogging was the last thing from my mind. I had all four of my children with me. Dee and Jeigh were riding their bikes ahead as I pushed a stroller full of Elle and Cee. We were just going to walk and ride around the block a few times and call it good for the day.

Then as we were walking down the hill, Dee fell back behind our little caravan. He usually likes to ride ahead "because he has to be the leader". When he realized that he had lost his top dog status, he began to whine and complain that we should stop so he could get back in the front.

A nicer mommy probably would have listened, stopped everyone, and let him ride ahead, just like he wanted. But I'm not a nicer mommy. I wanted to teach my oldest a lesson, that he doesn't always have to be first. So I started jogging to stay ahead of him. We were conveniently going downhill. It helped. But even when the decline leveled out, I kept jogging.

"To the end of the street" I told myself. "Just make it to the end of the street". And I did. And I wasn't hurting. I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't going to die.


Suddenly I changed our typical walking route. Left, instead of right.

Left took us to the local elementary school where we discovered we could walk around to the back, to the playground.

The kids commenced playing on the play ground equipment, riding their bikes in figure eights and erratic patterns, and running happy and free.

I followed suit. I began running jogging walking really fast and with bounce wogging, I began wogging happy and free as the kids.

Wog a circle. Walk a circle while pushing Cee in the stroller. Leave the stroller and wog another circle. Walk another circle while pushing the stroller. Wog. Walk. Wog. Walk. Wog and wog again!

It went on like that for 45 minutes. Wog a few, walk one, wog one, walk one, wog a few, walk.

By the end of my 45 minutes I was ready to scream. Not with pain, but with extreme pride in myself.

I have every excuse in the book.

I may be 30 ancient years old.
I may weigh 264.9 nasty flabby pounds as of this morning.
I may be a tired, overwhelmed, single mom of four kids (Joe's out of town AGAIN).
I may have a demanding and needy four month old nursing baby.
I may fall into the tempation of sugar from time to time.
I may be busy and fat and old and tired, but I CAN DO THIS!!

I just wogged for 45 minutes and I feel like Super Woman!!!

Take THAT, Fat!

Today, I feel like I can do this!! TOWAAAAANDA!!!

Watch out world! Here I wog!

06 June 2011

One month in...

I was absolutely dreading this morning's weigh-in. I have been a bad girl.

Ice cream WITH hot fudge what? Possibly steak and shrimp on date night too. And maybe a few other meal mishaps.


I stepped on the scale expecting a gain, but somehow...managed a 2.9 pound loss.

I'm such a jerk to myself. Instead of celebrating that 2.9 loss I immediately started flogging myself for not sticking to healthier eating habits and not losing more.

Will I ever be content with myself??? *sigh*

Well, 2.9 pounds lost this week takes me to a 15.5 pound loss total since 09 May 2011, about a month ago.

15.5 pounds lost. I like the sound of that. So much so that I am going to rededicate myself. And make a few new rules for myself.

No eating after 8 pm.
Limit sugar more. (How much more? I'm still not exactly sure. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. Is it time to make sugar off-limits??? I admire you gals out there who only let yourself have one treat a week. That's the kind of self control I'm aiming for. Can I do it???)

02 June 2011

I'm Losing It and I Don't Mean the Weight



I warned you. This could get whiny. Well, I would hate to disappoint.

I'm losing it! And by "losing it" I don't mean the weight.

I am losing my self control.
I am losing my motivation.
I am losing my desire to want to be skinny and healthy.

You know that stupid phrase that goes something like "No food tastes as good as skinny looks"?

Poppycock. Nonsense. Balderdash. Milarky. Bull honkey.

Have you ever tasted Mrs. See's chocolates??? No skinny jeans feel as good as that creamy sweet chocolately goodness melting on your tongue.

Three plus weeks into this journey and I still struggle to feel any stronger than I did on day one. I want to eat all the junk. I cave when my husband says "let's put ice cream in with those strawberries instead of yogurt". "Just a little bit" quickly spirals out of control into "all of it".

*head drops on desk*


I am not losing weight like I did when I was in my 20s!
I can't stand watching everybody else eating all the yummy stuff while I gnaw on green leafy things!
I'm sick of obsessing over every little thing that does or does not come near my mouth!

I'm exhausted from trying to fit a workout in every day! Being a mother is a workout in itself. That should count for something, but it doesn't. Being a mother got me to 281.5 pounds.

Well, it wasn't just being a mother, but that didn't help the weight situation.

I get angry--like real hot steaming mad angry--thinking about all the things I need to deny myself if I want to be successful at this.

I feel hopeless thinking even if I am successful with this, will I just gain it all back like I have every other time before?

As you can tell my thoughts are not in such a rainbows and puppy dog tails place tonight...

I have appreciated hearing things like "Take this one day at a time" and "Every day is a new day". If I keep thinking about that I won't let the way I have been feeling the last few days take me down.


Just keep swimming...just keep swimming... Even when I feel like I am chocolate...Stop that! celery and green leafy salad and oatmeal and whole grains and... *sob*