Half a dozen times I have sat down at my computer and tried to write out a post about what a failure I have been at eating healthy and losing weight lately. But I couldn't even get past the first sentence.
So...I failed at failing?
What can I say? I have not been as ambitious about my health as I have been before. I'm still training for my marathon in May and getting most of my runs in, but healthy eating...meh. And working out on other days...meh.
As a result I have gained back some weight. Meh.
Can you believe that you can run 10 or more miles every Saturday along with shorter runs through the week and GAIN weight?! Insane, isn't it? There really is no making up for a poor diet.
I know I need to eat clean. I know HOW to eat clean. It's just the DOING it part that I am struggling with. I can't believe this is STILL a struggle. Shouldn't I be a pro at this by now? How am I still rendered powerless by sugar cravings? Ridiculous.
Sugar really is a drug. When I'm "detoxing" my mood could be likened to a smoker who is trying to quit. Cranky, angry, sensitive. It's ugly. And kind of scary that a simple substance can have such power over a person.
My current attitude towards healthy eating fluctuates, sometimes hourly. Sometimes I want to try really hard to lose another 30 pounds. Just another 30 and then I'll be happy. Then I'll be "skinny" and at my goal weight (past it actually) and into the clothes size I hardly dared to dream about.
Sometimes I could care less how much I weigh. I'm comfortable at this weight. I fit in my clothes. I can run miles and miles at a time. My husband loves me at this size. Why try harder?
And then I swing back to the other side of the pendulum. If I just stop eating sweets and carbs...
And then...But I love sweets and carbs and I want to try new recipes and new foods and enjoy meals with my family.
And then...But my brother's wedding could be coming up and I might bump into old friends when I visit Hometown, Idaho.
And then...But it's so hard and I just don't care enough to commit.
Ugh. Sometimes I feel a tad schizophrenic when it comes to body image and health and food.
And I still haven't exactly decided which voice to listen to.