I'm Not Dead Yet

Blip.

Oh. There she is.

Yes. I still live. Only, I haven't much time.

To write, that is.

There's still a lot of time to live. I hope.

I received two messages today in my Facebook message box. The messages were different in nature, but each has stuck to me like a star on a Wimmick. They both caused me to come here, and visit my poor little forlorn weight loss blog. For the past couple of hours I've been reading my jolly journey from day one to the most recent post (October 12th?! Ouch!).

Look how far I've come. I started this bit of public humiliation, almost 300 pounds, barely able to get through a 30 minute Wii dance workout. 98 pounds lost later, I am a different person. Inside and out. I wish I had more pictures to show you of the beginning me. Sadly, I didn't take any. Not a one. I was so convinced I was going to fail, just like I had every other time, that I couldn't bear to have more ugly pictures of the reality of what I had let myself become. Biggest regret now.

Side note: If you're thinking of beginning a weight loss journey, you TAKE those fat girl pics! Hide 'em away if you must, but one day you're going to thank me.

I'm getting distracted. Why am I here?

Right. I'm checking in. 98 pounds lost as of Monday morning. The holidays came with a bit of a rebound from the 102 pounds I lost after my weight loss competition. That was to be expected. Still frustrating, but expected. There's always New Years, eh? Seriously, I plan to maintain for now and pick it up again with renewed vigor and vim in January. This is my second holiday season as a weight loser. I tried so hard last year to lose through the holidays and I only maintained. I'm not sure how to do it any other way. There's no shame in maintenance! (Say it with me now.)

Updates: I WON THE WEIGHT LOSS COMPETITION!

I HIT THE 100 POUND MARK!

I WON THE OGDEN MARATHON LOTTERY!

I AM REGISTERED FOR TWO FULL MARATHONS NEXT YEAR! (eep.)

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO HAVE AND STILL ARE CHEERING ME ON IN THIS WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY AND ARE ON THIS JOURNEY WITH ME!!!

That's the thick and thin of it for now.

Life is good.
People are amazing.
I am tired.
But inspired.
And will soon be retired...to my bed.

I wanted to make this post a little deeper and more meaningful, but I'm kind of failing. At least I checked in once in November.

I'm so grateful I started this blog last year. I wish I had been better about updating it all the time because reading back through it I can see how much I've changed over the last year and a half. Physically. Mentally. In every way.

See? I'm still trying to get all pensive and passionate. Enough's enough. 'Nite.

Choose the Right

This morning I woke up.

It only got worse from there.

With several spontaneous things happening the night before, the kids' homework had not gotten done. In a last ditch effort to encourage them to be good students, I pressed them to finish it before breakfast. This resulted in fits of frustration for all parties. I felt like such a schizophrenic parent as I pushed my children out the door with a hasty kiss and an "I love you!" after all the anger of the morning. (Anyone else feel like your children's self esteem is sacrificed for the sake of getting everyone out the door on time for school?) 

With the bustle and the pandemonium of the morning my ambition for the day was spent. I didn't want to clean. I didn't want to exercise. I didn't want to care. I found myself googling the hours of operation for the nearest Mrs. See's candy store. And it wasn't even 9 am yet. (12 step program, anyone?)

In a moment of inspiration I decided to change my fate. As soon as my four year old was out the door on her way to preschool, I loaded up the toddler and drove out to Yellow Fork Canyon. It began to rain and I began to doubt (again) if I was up to this day. Honestly, I repeatedly considered bagging the inspiration, veering off my course, and heading straight for Mrs. See's. (It's 4 o'clock somewhere.)

At the last turn before the canyon it truly came down to turn left <-----Mrs. See's or turn right ----->hiking. 

I chose the right. In more ways than one.

Hiking was exactly what I needed today. The trail was deserted. The only company I had was the 30 pounds of cuteness and pack I carried on my back. Without my children along I was able to set my own pace and work my way up the mountain at a decent and steady pace. Cee chatted away on my back in her sweet, sing-songy gibberish. I passed her Craisins, songs, and rounds of counting. And she was content.

Our only companions were the falling leaves and dozens of flighty or curious deer. It rained lightly, reviving the bright colors of the leaves, wood, and grass. Even the dirt seemed more vibrant and rich than the last time I had been on this trail a week ago.

As I meandered up the trail, through the tunnel of wild branches, my imagination worked to revive itself from years of neglect. At first I ignored it, reminding myself that I'm a grown adult and reasonable adults don't play pretend. But before long I found that I was frustrated with my decayed sense of fantasy and wondered when I had become so old and boring.

By the time I began the descent back to the bottom of the hill where my minivan full of responsibility, bills, and business waited to carry me off into the stiff sunset of reality and rules, I had cleared enough creative cobwebs to imagine that I was a Nelwyn, traveling alongside Willow, and returning Elora Danan back to the Daikini...

...Or the tenth member of the Fellowship, packing a happy, little, hungry hobbit on my back...

...Or an Indian maiden who had happened upon a lost pioneer baby and was returning her new treasure to her tribe.

(Looks like I still got it. Fist bump to my fellow nerds.)

As we neared the end of the trail, the rain began to thicken and chill. The affability of the mountain was waning. My little hobbit was the first to complain. (Time for second breakfast, eh?) My charming retreat was quickly unraveling, but it had been enough to fill my cup and return me to the world with a renewed sense of purpose and conviction. I wouldn't go so far as to say it satisfied my need for chocolate. Let's not say things we might regret, shall we?

But...there is magic to be found in the mountains. 

And lost pioneer babies.

Trail Running: There's a First Time for Everything



And we're breathing...

I don't know if it's absurd or profound that I've had to lose myself to find myself.

Translation: As I've lost weight, I've gained a new sense of me.

With the loss of dozens of pounds I suddenly have the confidence and willingness to do things I never would have dared dream of doing before. I was too self-conscious, too afraid, too anxiety-ridden, too fat, too lazy, too incapable. I was blinded to my abilities by all that fat and fear.

I get angry with myself for losing so much precious time--like all of my 20s and even much of my adolescence--by being so dang petrified to just get up, get out, and get moving. There is a big wide wonderful world out there to be explored and I'm finally feeling brave enough to explore it!

This was my Facebook status last Saturday morning: "I've seriously lost it now. I've woken up at 6 am on a Saturday so I can drive half an hour to meet a 'stranger' where we will then proceed to RUN up a mountain in the cold and dark. Bonkers."

I met Heidi on an LDS Runners Facebook group. She has been running for over 5 years and has been so kind to mentor this newbie runner online. The other day she offered to meet up with anyone who wanted to for a trail run. I snagged the opportunity iimmediately and agreed to be there.

Aaaaand then considered canceling about 37 times. The anxiety of doing something new with someone new was overwhelming. Even the morning of the trail run, I found myself concocting some kind of excuse to not show up. So typical of 281.5 pound Evelyn.

"What if I can't keep up? What if it's too hard? What if I hold the group back? What if I get hurt? What if? What if? What if?!?"

Heidi and Ethan and their "Take No Wild Turkey Prisoners" faces

While 281.5 pound Evelyn may still be fiercely whispering doubts, I'm learning to ignore her. I went anyway, and although I got lost on the drive there, I eventually made it. Heidi and her son, Ethan, were wonderful people! They are definitely more in shape than me, but they made no fuss about my heavy breathing or slower pace. I only had to ask to walk one time and I kept up the whole way downhill!

Trail running is fabulous! It's so nice to ditch the hard unforgiving pavement and the sounds and smells of the city for soft cushy dirt, colorful fall leaves, and cheerful bird songs. We covered almost 5 miles round trip and even tackled a 300 foot ascent (talk about a calf workout). We saw deer and lots of wild turkeys. We crunch-crunch-crunched through banks of bright red and orange leaves.

As if the scenery wasn't awesome enough I had the opportunity to meet someone I've admired for awhile as well as pick her runner's brain. I've met several blogging friends "in real life", but this was the first time I've met a running friend. (Does this make me a "real runner" now?) Thank you so much for letting me tag along, Heidi and Ethan! I had a fabulous time and can't wait to do it again!

(Who needs a silly comfort zone anyway?!)

Weigh-In Wonderings

My weigh-in days have changed to Sundays thanks to the weight loss competition I'm in. I like weighing in on Sunday better than Monday. That way I can make Sunday my "free day" and not be so stressed and guilty about the homemade goodies indulged in on this family day.

I only lost 0.7 pounds this week. I'm not surprised with all the sugar screw-ups I had this week.

Dang that sugar.

Still, that brings my weight loss total to 92.7 pounds lost. Yea!

I have such an internal battle with myself daily...hourly...minutely.

What's so bad about being the weight I am now? I'm a size 12/14. I can shop in the "regular" section of the department store. I'm under 200 pounds. Heck, I'm under 190 pounds for the first time in 9 years. Why couldn't I just say a 93 pound weight loss is good enough?

Some days I'm ready to do just that.

Other days, I'm not.

I'm 5'10" and on a doctor's scale I'm still "overweight" by at least 15 pounds. If I lost 15 pounds I would still be on the very edge of the "good zone".

Pssh! It's only 15 pounds, right? What's the big deal?! That's what I keep asking myself every day.

Blah.

It's getting so hard to lose weight now. I have to be so very careful about every little thing I put in my mouth. No sugar. No soda. No fun. At least that's what it feels like sometimes.

We're wandering into the holiday season now and I don't want to be so obsessed with weight loss that I can't bake some pumpkin goodies or decorate sugar cookies with my kids. But I don't want to destroy the progress I've made either.

It really is a good thing I'm doing this weight loss competition right now or I would have fallen hard weeks ago. Only problem is it ends a few days before Halloween. Yikes!

I know I write about this all the time, but somehow I've got to find that happy balance. I WANT MY CAKE AND I WANT TO EAT IT TOO, GOSH DANGIT!!!

So maybe I keep going with the weight loss challenge. Then I work to maintain through the holidays, still working out, but not being such a Nazi that I can't relax a little through the holidays. Then pick it back up in January when the fire to succeed is burning brightly.

Sounds like a plan. Until I change my mind again tomorrow.

Healthy Recipes: Rainbow Pasta

With Forks Over Knives still heavy on my mind I prepared dinner last night. My husband is out of town so there would be no grumbling if I went meatless. But meatless...meatless...How can I do this? While I'm all about the fruits and veggies and making sure they are present nightly at the dinner table, I'm not really sure I know how to cook a balanced meal without meat.

I can cook. I can follow a recipe. But I'm not all that smooth when it comes to thinking outside the box. At least the recipe box. I decided I would give it my best shot and just look what I came up with! Isn't it pretty? So colorful! That's why I decided to call it "Rainbow Pasta".

I'm sure this isn't all that creative in the minds of "real" cooks, but I was impressed. The kids complained a bit about the new dish as they often do with new things, but most of them ate it. No one asked for seconds, but at least they tried it. Me? I loved it! Delicious and less than 300 calories a serving!

Rainbow Pasta (Serves 4)

whole wheat linguine (1/2 package), prepared according to package directions
olive oil
1/2 onion, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 red pepper, diced
1 small zucchini, diced
1 small yellow squash, diced
1 bunch asparagus, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
dried basil, to taste
salt and pepper, to taste
light Alfredo sauce (1/2 jar)
Italian blend grated cheese

Prepare pasta in boiling water. While pasta is cooking heat olive oil in saute pan. Add garlic and onion. Saute for a few minutes. Add red pepper, zucchini, yellow squash, and asparagus. Sprinkle in basil, salt, and pepper to taste. Saute until tender-crisp.

Drain pasta. Add to vegetables. Gently stir in Alfredo sauce. Serve with grated cheese on top.

You really could adapt this anyway you wanted. Change up the veggies or the spices. Use a different kind of pasta. Add meat if you want meat. So simple!

P.S. My son has a dairy allergy and my daughter has Celiac disease. Instead of making three different meals each night I make adaptions to what I'm already preparing. In this case I boiled up some GF pasta in a separate pan. I set aside sauteed vegetables for Elle's pasta and then added Alfredo sauce to hers separately. For Dee, I took out a serving of combined pasta and veggies before I added the cheese sauce. A little bit of a juggling act, but absolutely doable.

Weight Loss Competitions WORK!

My weight loss plateaued for several months in between April and September. It seemed no matter how hard I tried, I just could NOT lose any weight. At least permanently. It was so frustrating! I was training for a half marathon for goodness' sake! I could run 10 plus miles at one time but I couldn't lose a single pound?! How does that work?!

With the hope that a little competitive edge could change something for me, I joined a weight loss competition hosted by one of the gals from my Facebook running group. It began on Labor Day and lasts for eight weeks, ending right before Halloween (*sigh of relief*).

Over the course of the eight weeks we do daily tasks, earning points if achieved each day. These are things like "Drink at least 64 oz of water", "Work out for at least 30 minutes" (bonus points for each 15 minutes on top of that), and "Keep a food journal". There are also weekly challenges to do if you're feeling ambitious and want to win bonus points. "Take a daily vitamin", "Try and share one new healthy recipe", and "Eat extra fruits and veggies" are a few examples.

At the end of the eight weeks there will be two different winners. One with the most points and one with the biggest weight loss percentage. To be in the competition you had to pay $25 into the winner's pot. With 30 women participating...that would be a lot of nice, new clothes to fit a nice, healthy body.

I'm not exactly winning so far, especially when it comes to weight loss, but I'm not doing too shabby. I was already doing several of the daily tasks on my own before this competition (look to my "Guidelines" bar on the right) so point-wise I'm actually able to give the group some competition.

For me, the hardest part of the whole thing has been one of the dailies: "No sugar or sweet treats". I thought I had been abstaining pretty well from sugar before the competition, but when I was actually recording it and reporting to a group...not so much. Over the past 4 weeks of the competition, I have lost over 6 pounds, where before...I couldn't lose a single pound. Even though I was "trying so hard". Ha ha!

I know sugar is my biggest weakness when it comes to weight loss. It is a struggle I think I will have for the rest of my life. I am most successful in losing weight and being healthy when I limit myself to having one treat a week. While that may seem extreme to some, it really has taught me what sugar SHOULD BE, and that is an occasional treat and not a daily indulgence. I'm not ready to go cold turkey on sugar, but who knows? Maybe some day I'll gain that much self control. For now, I really enjoy baking a treat with my kids and sharing with the neighbors or relishing a sweet holiday tradition. I don't feel like it's so bad to indulge once in a while.

That being said, I'm a tad terrified for when this weight loss competition is over. And--gulp!--right before Halloween, the sugar holiday of the year! It's hard to have self control when you aren't accountable to anyone but yourself. I'm going to have to dig deep and remember how much better I feel when I'm not partaking all the time. Remind me of that, would you, when I'm whining about gaining some weight back over the holiday season, okay? ;)

One more thing...This week's bonus point challenge was to try a new form of exercise. We were at the library last night looking for a book for Dee's school book report and I took the chance to peruse the workout DVDs. I chose "No More Trouble Zones" by Jillian Michaels.

Honestly, I've been avoiding anything by the good ol' JM. Why? Because she's scary, that's why. Have you seen her on The Biggest Loser? But many of my friends like her, so why not? I'll give her a chance. I was pleasantly surprised. No screaming or yelling or belittling. She didn't try to convince me that I was fat because I had been molested as a kid. Just lots of really tough, but kind of doable circuit training.

Ahhh circuit training. Something else I've been avoiding too. It was hard. But hard is good. That means I needed to do it. I'm realizing just how weak my upper body and abs are. I look forward to having my bum kicked again later this week. Also...I really need to get out of my comfort zone and try some new exercise routines. A gym membership is not in my budget right now, but any other suggestions?

P.S. *whispers* Psst! Psssst! Hey! Since the library is going to need that DVD back, I was considering buying the JM workout until I found it on YouTube just now. And there are lots of others on there too! Free workouts? Woohoo!

Week Workouts and Thoughts about "Forks Over Knives"

I went on a bike ride today with my littlest in tow in the trailer. Her and her baby and stuffed dog. There really is something to be said for having three kids in school and one 25 pounder at home. It makes getting exercise done a tad easier. We biked around the nearby neighborhoods, up and down hills, for 9 miles. I chilled out mentally to my Priscilla Ahn Pandora station while my thighs and bum buuuuuurrrrned. And if I was being honest--which I generally am, almost to a fault--those areas could use all the burn they can get.

(Workouts so far this week: Monday was an hour of Zumba and a half hour walk after the kids were in bed. Tuesday I got my tired bum out of bed and went for an 4 mile run/1 mile walk before the sun was up. Then P90X Ab Ripper and a few reps of push ups and squats.)

Today my brain is full of thoughts on a movie I watched on Netflix yesterday. "Forks Over Knives", a film promoting a plant-based diet. It really is something for everyone to see whether you are a vegetarian or not. The evidence that eating meat and dairy is directly related to cancer is astounding.

While I don't plan on becoming a full blown vegetarian any time soon--Hey! I like a good juicy steak sometimes too!--I do believe that having a diet full of fruits and vegetables and whole grains can NOT be a bad thing. I have never really struggled to eat my fruits and veggies (Thank you, Mom and Dad!), I've never been all that big on meat, and over the last year I gradually cut most dairy out of my diet on my own. So...I'm already kind of leaning that way.

My seven year old son has been allergic to milk since birth. My husband and I have always fretted that he is not and will not develop properly due to lack of all that "healthy" milk fat. "Milk does a body good", right? According to "Forks Over Knives", Dee may be better off than all of us! If nothing else, I'm grateful to let go of the guilt I've felt since we discovered his dairy allergy. Turns out there is evidence that you can live, and live well, without milk. (yea!)

My husband is not as impressed as I am. The man loves his meat. I think he might be more accepting of one of our children telling us they are homosexual than they want to be a vegetarian. (I HOPE I am joking about that.) He is pretty suspicious about this whole vegan thing and thinks it's just another thing I've concocted up to make him suffer. As if serving fruits and vegetables consistently at the dinner table wasn't enough.

I have no idea what the future will bring for our family, especially with the antagonism I feel from my spouse. Honestly, his opinion needs to be taken into account too. But I do feel we would only be doing good to eat even more fresh fruits and vegetables, more whole grains, less processed food, and less meat. (This is something the scriptures have told us anyway!) As the mother and key influencer in my family's life I need to learn how to prepare more vegetarian meals and in such a way that they are appealing to my kids and even my manly meat-eater.

Have you seen "Forks Over Knives"? What are your thoughts?

K.I.S.S. Weight Loss Style

I got ambitious and finally blogged on my main blog under the premise of K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid). How can I forget the weight loss blog too? So I've reset my 15 minute timer and what happens...happens.

So much has happened since I last posted in July. I'm sad that I've slacked off on recording my weight loss journey. While this blog has served its initial purpose of getting me started and committed to a healthier lifestyle, I have not served it very well back. Bad Jolly Green Giant.

Noteworthy things:

I ran my first color run (Color Me Rad 5K in Orem, Utah). WAY too much fun! Definitely a race I would recommend to a beginning runner. It's not timed and it's purely about having a good ol' messy time. Next year I want to take my older kids along.

I bought my first pair of REAL running shoes. Very glad I did. They have made a significant difference. Along with the super comfy running socks I splurged on too.

I ran my first half marathon (13.1 miles) September 1, 2012 (Running the Gap, Pocatello, Idaho). What an incredible experience! As soon as it was over I was ready to sign up for the full marathon in 2013...

...which I did on opening day. Fall 2013. 26.2 miles. It WILL happen.

And I'm playing the lottery for the first time. And go figure...It's in the state of Utah. That would be the Ogden Marathon Lottery. Frustrating that this race I've heard so many great things about has moved to a lottery system the year I decided to join in, but I'm feeling lucky. *fingers crossed*

I've started taking my kids on weekly hikes in the SLC valley. This has been more fun than frustrating (and with four little ones ages 7 and under, it CAN be frustrating!). I'm trying to teach my children all sorts of things on these hikes (about plants, about exercise, about eating, about life, about spiritual things, about anything and everything). My hope is one day they will remember a few of the more important things from "those hikes we did with Mom".

At the beginning of September I joined an online weight loss competition hoping to jump start my weight loss back to life. I have struggled to lose any significant weight since April. It seems to be working. Mostly because I'm finally finding some will power to abstain from sugar. This is not an easy task, my friends.

Weight loss as of Sunday, September 31, 2012: 92 pounds!! Getting soooo close to that 100 pound mark!

That's about all the time I have today. Hopefully I will be back to expand on some of the more noteworthy noteworthy things. Until then...Happy Tuesday!!

Running in the Rain

As a young girl, I saw enough romantic movies and heard enough passionate tales to know one thing was certain:

A kiss in the rain is worth a thousand normal kisses.

Rain kissing meant passion.
Soaking wet smooches ensured your true love was true.
Dry kisses? Meh. Damp, rainy kisses? Ooo-la-la!

So when I was 17, I had my first kiss. On a mountain side. In a rain storm. It was the most romantic moment of my young life...Until our lips actually touched.

Rain + kissing = Eww.

On the other hand...

Rain + running = HALLELUJAH!

Talk about passion, romanticism, guts and glory, and feeling alive! Take a run in a rainstorm and you'll know what I mean. I finally got my first rain run of the summer in this week! AHH! I love it! Especially during the summer.

Have you ever ran in the rain? What do you think? Cool, cleansing, invigorating blessing from Mother Nature? Or damp, chilly, chafing Karma curse?

One Year Ago Yesterday

Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary. I couldn't resist peeking back on the blog to see what I was whining about back then. I had this dim memory of being really excited about running one mile without stopping. Sure enough...I was thrilled with running one dinky little mile.

Wanna know how much I ran on my anniversary this year?

5 miles!

And wanna know how much weight I lost since my last anniversary?

Last year on July 11th I was pretty thrilled with being at 251.3. That meant I had lost 30.2 pounds so far.

This year on July 11th I weighed 194.4. That's 56.9 pounds lost since my last wedding anniversary!!! and 87.1 total pounds lost over my weight loss journey!!

Do you know how amazing that feels?!

For anyone who is reading this and thinking, "Well, sure...That was easy for you. But I can't do it..."

SHUT UP!!

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

This was anything but easy for me! If you've read this blog at all over the last year or so you've heard me whine and cry and complain. You've seen me fail over and over again. You've watched me fall off the bandwagon only to keep getting up and getting back on. So many times over.

I have worked for every single pound lost and I have worked hard.

But that doesn't make it an impossible thing either. This weight loss thing ain't easy, but it's so so so worth it. I am so much happier than I was a year ago. I used to struggle with depression constantly. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my body. That depression is not totally gone, but it is so much easier to deal with now.

I have a confidence now that I did not have a year ago. I actually like to leave my house and see people now. I can do things, miraculous things, like run 6 miles at a time or hike a mountain or play with my kids or shop in the "normal" clothes section at the store or walk into a running store without (much) fear or pose for a picture and not loathe the person I see on the image.

If you are considering a weight loss journey of your own this is my advice to you:

Give yourself a year. Realize that this is no simple easy little trip. This takes dedication, persistence, and hard work. Don't fall apart because you haven't lost 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Give yourself time. Give yourself a break.

Even if you can only do one pushup, that's one more pushup than you could do sitting on the couch. Even if you crash off your healthy eating and go psycho on a bag of Oreos, you don't have to give up. Try harder the next day. And keep going the next day. And the next and the next and the next. Until one day you look back and realized you have become a different person. You'll be cranking out pushups and ignoring Oreos like nobody's business.

YOU CAN DO IT!!! For reals! Just get up and do it!

My daughter watches this stupid cartoon on Netflix. Something about Sky Dancers. They say this phrase over and over again. "If it is to be, it's up to me!" SOOOOOOO true my friends! No one else is going to drag you off the couch. No one is going to shove you out the door. No one is going to dump that 44 oz soda cup out. It's up to YOU. If it's gonna happen it's because YOU did it. And how sweet will the success be when you know YOU did it?

Word.

Zuuuuuumba!

Try Zumba.

Done and done.

But not done. I gotta try this again. I can't let some silly little exercise program make me feel like some uncoordinated, klutzy, white girl. (Even if that's what I am...)

A few (honest) thoughts after my first experience with Zumba:

1. I'm so grateful I was able to do this in the privacy of my own home all by my jiggly, stumbly, stiff-hipped self.

2. Sweat. I haz it.

3. My daughters actually labeled what I was doing as "dancing" and not having a seizure. Not bad for an old lady, eh?

4. Honestly...it feels like a step down from the intensity of running or P90X. But that's okay! It's cool. I can do this on my off days from running. It will be something fun, yet aerobic. I could see Zumba being a great exercise for someone who hasn't exercised in forever and is looking to get active and healthy without going insane. It's fun. It's (fairly) easy. It will get you moving and sweating.

5. Finally, it felt kind of cheesy. I've been listening to lots of women praising Zumba as THE Exercise for years. I couldn't shake the feeling (along with my hips...har har har) that I was finally jumping on the overcrowded, Mormon housewife, stay at home mommy, in desperate need of Mommy Time, wanting to learn some new bedroom moves bandwagon. Blah. Or is that baaaa? (Get it? Like as in a sheep?)

After a few more private sessions at home I think I might want to give this a try in a real class with real people. Eek! Then we will see if I can be so snobby about it.

Of Womanly Checkups

I had my yearly exam today.

Ohhhh...How I dread these appointments. Pap smears and breast exams. Not exactly my idea of a good time. Oh and then there's the matter of checking in with the doctor's scale. And trying to squeeze in to one of those gowns that covers...nothing. Especially when you're fat. And why on earth do they position you so your back is to the door? This is all fine and well IF your gown actually covers your tushy. But if it doesn't...then you just mooned whoever happened to be passing by in the hallway. And this moon ain't anything to howl at.

Today, being 85 pounds lighter, I didn't dread it nearly as much. At my last appointment my very kind and thorough doctor decided to tackle the issue of my weight. At one point during our time together last year he leaned forward in his chair, placed his face on his clasped hands, looked me in the eye, and very gently and earnestly said, "Well, what are we going to do about it?"

"It" meaning my being of an obese nature.

I wasn't offended by this inquiry. He had somehow magically made it "our" problem and not just mine. He seemed to truly care about my health, not just physically, but mentally as well. I instantly felt that he was there to help and cheer me on if I needed it.

There really wasn't much he could actually do. But just the idea that he sincerely cared about it was enough. I silently vowed to return to his office in a year in a healthier state of being.

And I did.

I couldn't wait to jump on the scale and show the nurse just how far I had come since last year. Her reaction, as well as the reaction of my OBGYN, was well earned. They were amazed! My doctor just kept saying, "You are so awesome! That is so awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!" And then he talked to me as if I were an equal about what steps I was taking to keep progressing in my journey towards health. He offered advice and asked for some in return. This was new.

And guess what?! My gown actually fit! I slipped it on and wrapped it around, tying it in the back with no moonbeams even close to shining out. It was even a little big on me. That was new too.

The pap smear and the breast exam...not so new. Same old uncomfortable necessary junk there.

Regardless, I walked out of the office with a bounce to my step and a curiosity about what my next meeting with my doctor next year would be like. How much more will I have lost next year? Will I have finished a marathon? Will I be a triathlete by then? Will I fall apart and gain it all back?

Blah Blah Blah

Blah blah blah.

I've been missing, but now I'm back.

Blah, blah, blah.

Same old story.

Blah blah blah.

Man! What happened to me? I used to be rather passionate about blogging. And now...pfffffffffft <---That would be the sound that a balloon makes when all the hot air runs out of it. Or in this case...a blogger. Minus the hot air that is.

Speaking of "used to be passionate"...I used to be kind of passionate about weight loss too.

But something happened to me when I got below the 200 mark.

I got comfortable.

It was really lovely to not be 200 something pounds anymore.
And it was really lovely to fit in my clothes.
And it was really lovely to even be able to zip up my wedding dress (and who needs to breathe anyway, right?)
And it has been SUPER lovely hearing all the compliment about how great I look.
And it was lovely lovely being able to eat just about anything I wanted and still maintain my weight.

But all that lovely feels wrong sometimes.

I had a goal. I wanted to reach my pre wedding weight of 175. And while I may be really pleased with losing 80 plus pounds and fitting comfortably in a size 14 and hearing from everyone how fantastic I look...

It boils down to this.

As comfortable as I've been being where I'm at, I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I still feel "fat". Some might feel I have a skewed view. I believe my dad's words were: "I think you look rather piqued". But by medical definition, at 5'10" and 197.6 pounds (my weight today by the way), I am still a good 30 pounds overweight. My little weight loss journey is far from over. I've been relaxing far too long in Dr. Pepper and Chocolate Land. It's time to get serious again and get back on the bandwagon.

I recently finished P90X and now I'm getting focused on running again. I am in the midst of a 10 week training program for my half marathon zooming right up on me on September 1st. I am really slow. My average mile time is rarely lower than 11 minutes per mile. But I can go the distance. Last Saturday I did a 6 mile run/walk in the morning and stayed busy the rest of the day throwing a cowgirl birthday party for my little 4 year old. The fact that I didn't drop dead, or even feel like dropping dead, during the day felt like an accomplishment to me.

I think my running would go a lot better if I could just get my head back into healthy eating. I've fallen into the pop pit again. It's time to kick the soda habit back into submission. I am trying to track my calories better and work out even on my days off from running. A little cross training never hurt anyone.

My current ultimate goal is to lose that 25 to 30 pounds by the end of the summer. I don't want to carry it with me through that half marathon. It needs to go!! Once upon a time I had enough self control to drop 83.9 pounds. I need that power again. I want to see that 100 pounds lost mark!

Odds and Ends: I May be Odd, but it's Not the End

First things first, I wanted to say thank you so much for all the encouraging and kind comments left on my last post. They really meant a lot. This is the beauty of going public about your weight loss. When you get discouraged--as you most certainly will--there are people standing outside of the situation who can remind you just why you are doing this. So, thank you people standing out there! I really needed to hear what you said. Thank you.

It's weigh in day. I lost less than a pound. My fear is that loss is actually loss of muscle since I haven't been consistently doing P90X for the past week and a half. But whatever. A loss is a loss. And today I'll take it with a smile on my face. I'm now at 82.6 pounds lost total since May 2011 and 27.9 pounds lost in 2012.

I really have tried to ease up on myself. I'm giving myself a bit of time off. I'm still running this week, but no P90X workouts. There just isn't a lot of time for both as I get ready for Memorial Day weekend. Healthy eating is hit and miss. We'll hit it again after the holiday. I promise. It's not the end.

I bought the Zumba Exhilarate DVD set off of Amazon yesterday. I can't wait to try it! I have two more weeks of P90X left. I'm so done with it already, but my goal is to "complete" it and I will do it. Another goal is to try Zumba. I've never done it before, but I'm fairly certain I'm going to love it. I can't resist shaking my booty to some good music; it sounds like it's right up my alley. And thank you to my dear husband who gave me the green light to buy it as my Mothers' Day gift!

Speaking of music, this is my favorite running song today. I ran this morning just so I could run to this song. It pushed me right up the steep hill near my house at a sprint. WOO!



Lastly, make sure to check out my main blog, Hanging by a Silver Lining. I'm posting one of my favorite healthy recipes today: BBQ Chicken Salad. Easy, healthy, gluten and dairy free. Can't beat that!

Happy Wednesday to you all!

I Don't Wanna

This morning my alarm went off at 6:15 am. After a few moments of arguing with myself, I got up, put on my running clothes, and went for a 3.5 mile run. I did it because I was certain I would feel better about myself, about the day, about life, if I did.

It didn't work.

I have struggled all day to accomplish anything more. It's just a "I don't wanna do anything I'm supposed to do" kind of day.

For that matter...I'm having more of a "I don't wanna" kind of month.

People ask me how I'm doing so well with weight loss and I feel like a liar when I tell them I try to eat right and run and do P90X. That may have been true a month ago...

I'm so burned out on P90X. I have two weeks left before I'm an official P90X grad. I've been repeating weeks that I flubbed up on. Last week was one of those. I missed over half of the workouts and I only ran once. I've been drinking tons of pop. Eating all sorts of chocolate and sugar and junk. Skipping out on veggies. And just feeling like an all around mess.

I know what I need to do to get back on track: have a little self control.

I know I can do it: I've done it before.

I know. But I don't wanna.

I keep telling myself, "It's okay. Take a break. Relax. Just hit it hard after Memorial Day weekend."

But that feels like cheating. It feels like I haven't truly learned a thing since starting this weight loss journey. 82 pounds lost and I haven't gained a darn bit of sense about being healthy.

I know that's not true. I'm just kind of down on myself lately. I am my own worst enemy. I keep beating myself up for not losing any more weight since my birthday. I've maintained right at 199.6 since April 18th. I keep thinking how dumb I am for not losing more, for eating so unhealthily lately, for struggling as much as I have been.

Memorial Day weekend is going to spent with lots of family since both my sisters are blessing their new babies that Sunday. I want to look smashing since I have worked so hard this year to lose weight. Plus, both my sisters and sister in law, even freshly postpartum will look severely smashing. And I don't even have their excuse as to why I still have a belly.

I was complaining to my husband and sister about not losing more weight lately and that I can only say, "I have lost 82 pounds" not "I have lost 90 pounds". They quickly put me in my place. "Yeah, because 82 pounds is just pathetic!" as they roll their eyes.

Why am I so quick to brush away my own success?
Why can't I seem to get a grip on true healthy eating?
Why am I not more comfortable in my own skin by now?
Why do I have to fight this battle my whole life?
Why hasn't it gotten any easier?

The Absent Giant

Eeek! Another month has blown by and I have neglected my poor little weight loss blog. I suppose it's the nature of being on a weight loss journey. By this point I am working out more than 2 hours a day some days of the week just trying to keep losing the weight and that leaves very little time or energy for much beyond mothering and running a household.

I wish I had more to show for my exercise efforts. Unfortunately, I really haven't lost any weight since my last blog post back on April 18th. Which is really really frustrating. Working out more than 2 hours a day and nothing to show for it?! It kind of makes you want to give up.

But I'm not going to! I can pinpoint exactly why I haven't made much progress this last month. I know I haven't been very good at the eating end of things. Between stress, loneliness, celebrations, and just plain laziness I've been eating all sorts of junk that is counteracting my hard work. I need to get diligent and strict again. *sigh*

It really goes to show that you can exercise all you want, but unless you are willing to have self control on the dietary end of things...you won't get too far, weight-loss-wise.

Blah. There's that "s word" again. Self control. Blah.

In other news, I reached the year mark on my weight loss journey last week. I would really love to write a blog post (WITH PICTURES!) just for that occasion--and I will! Just not right now.

On a more positive note, I have been finding therapy in running.

And I have been inspired through my slumps by the persistence and dedication of others.

(Click on the highlighted sentences above for those blog post links.)

Other than that...I'm still here. Still chugging away. Still making soppy excuses as why I'm not blogging here more regularly. One day...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I Wear Running Shoes to Therapy

I started running last year because I was fat.

And I was fat because...Well, I'm still figuring that one out. But don't worry about me; I'm working through it with the help of therapy.

I see my therapist 3 to 4 times a week. And I always wear my running shoes. A ponytail. And spandex.

My therapist doesn't talk much. She just listens as my brain sifts to the rhythm of my running shoes hitting the pavement. Some days "therapy" is just getting away from the kids, the house, the daily grind. Running mindlessly to loud, pumping music. My mind idling on song lyrics, craft projects, to do lists.

But some days--like today--we have break-throughs.

Today I ran past a wild rose bush. Cheery red and yellow blossoms snagged my peripheral vision. They flagged my memories down and instantly conjured a childhood image.

A daddy daughter date.

A Saturday morning. I don't know how old I was, but lucky me, I was going to go to a church breakfast with my dad. Just him and me.

Dressed up, we stood next to the wild rose bush that grew in our backyard. Near the grey bricks of the garage. The bush was wild and prickly and repulsive most of the year. But every spring, it imparted a peace offering: hundreds of bright, happy red and yellow blossoms.

I could smell the sun baked blossoms as we posed for a quick picture. My mom was there too. I remember her breaking off a few flowers to place jauntily in my dad's pocket. And a few blossoms to tuck behind my ear. Fragile, homemade boutonnieres for our special date.

Like the brilliantly colored petals, everyone was cheerful. The excitement of this petite rite of passage imprinted on my young mind accompanied by the sight and fragrance of floral reds and yellows.

This vivid memory, a memory I haven't reflected on in years, flooded my mind within milliseconds of catching sight of the bush. As I rushed past the blossoms, the warm, musty smell of sun baked wild roses waved me on, patting my back, and sealing in the reminiscence.

As I continued on my running path, savoring this cherished memory, I marveled at how quickly it had risen to my conscience. At how vivid it was. And again at how swiftly my mind and heart synchronized afterwards.

And just like that something gave way within me. Almost physically I felt it.

Forgiveness.

It was an instance where the circumstances of the moment harmonized. The music on my playlist was rather melancholy. I was feeling particularly receptive after being worn down by the effort of the first few miles. This was the one and only wild rose bush seen on my entire four mile journey.

There was a release. Of hurt, of anger, of bitterness. A grudge held against parents who made so many mistakes, left back on the trail, laid down to rest next to the rose bush. It was a sudden and enlightening realization that all parents are guilty of negligence and error as they struggle to find their way through parenthood. That there was no point in making them suffer for it anymore. Whether they realized I was doing it or not. Whether I realized I was doing it or not. And a hope that my own children would be kinder to me than I had been on my own mom and dad as I would inevitably have my own grievous faults in raising children.

All that from running.

I started running because I was fat. I keep running because I am healing my body, mind, and soul.

(And it's a heckuva alot cheaper than seeing a real therapist.)

Monday Melancholy

*grumblegroanwhinemoangrouchgrumble*

Ohhhh, it's been a frustrating day.

And I'm not exactly sure why. It's only Monday and I got all the laundry washed, folded, and put away. I did the dishes. Twice. I vacuumed. Three times. I kept the house tidy and neat all day long. We got homework done. I paid bills. I answered phone calls. I organized paper work. I said my prayers. I read scriptures.

I even squeezed in my P90X workout, which I didn't think was going to happen with all the housework and laundry.

A killer day for a mom of four, right?

But for some reason there was very little joy in all of it. Accomplished though it was, I still felt like I was scraping by all day long, just trying to complete something. Anything.

I'm burnt out on P90X and eating healthy.
I'm wondering if there's anything to my life beyond vacuuming floors.
I'm pessimistic about the clean laundry staying in the drawers.
I'm tired of meat and potatoes and veggies, meat and potatoes and veggies, repeat, rinse and repeat, for dinner.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

Oh me and my monotonous wonderful little life. What a pity I'm so blessed with so many amazing things, eh?

Good thing I saw this today...



If this guy can do it, with a smile on his face, I can do it without grumbling and complaining.

Happy Monday! Here's to a more joyful Tuesday!

Goal. Accomplished.

Lose 81.6 pounds by 31st birthday (April 18, 2012).

HAPPY Birthday to me!

P.S. I didn't starve myself yesterday.

80 Pounds GONE! I am Octo-Mom!

It's Monday/weigh-in day and guess what?!

I finally hit the 80 pound mark this week!
It's official! I have lost 80 pounds since I started back in May 2011!

That...is amazing. Not to sound cocky or anything, but come on! 80 pounds. Gone.

Back in May of last year I did not think it could happen. But in less than a year I made it happen. I have worked and sweated and cried and struggled and whined and complained and skipped a workout here or there and ate veggies and cheated once in awhile and prayed and stared at myself in the mirror and wondered and planned and hoped and...and...and...

I'm getting there! I am achieving what I set out to do. Even when I didn't believe myself that it could happen.

Now, back to earth...I still have 1.5 pounds to lose before Wednesday if I want to make my goal of being under 200 by my 31st birthday. Maybe if I fast on Tuesday...

I'm not promoting starvation as a good weight loss technique, but for one day I might bend the rules. It would really stink to come so close and not make the cut. Even if it is a self-inflicted cut.

(Now I'm a cutter??? That didn't come out right.)

Something I did good this week: I FINALLY bought myself a new pair of running shoes! It was so overdue, but I had no money, no time, and no nerves to let someone evaluate my running. I'm glad I got over all those hurdles and made it happen. (More about this later.)

Something I could improve on: Getting my workout done earlier in the day. I need to wake up before the kids. It gets harder and harder as the day goes on to make a workout happen. It would be so much easier on myself to just get up and get it out of the way. Ugh. I hate waking up early.

Spring Break: Girl Gone Wild!

Spring Break was last week and boy oh boy did I fall off the no-sugar wagon. we were so busy playing and traveling that I wasn't going to let any old "let's lose weight!" plans stand in the way of a fabulous Spring Break vacation. I ate chocolate! I drank a few pops! I ate carb-rich foods from restaurants! I skipped a few several workouts!

And I almost got away with it.

I gained one whole ounce this week.

I can deal with that.

Still, I can't help feeling a tad guilty. I really should have been on better behavior. I hope Karma doesn't come back to bite me on the scale later. Especially when I'm getting so close to my first really big weight loss goal.

April 18th. It's coming. In fact, it's only a week away and I still have 3.6 pounds to lose before it does.

Eek!

Something I did well this week: I finally ran 3 miles without stopping. It's a little frustrating to see how long it's taking me to build up my running endurance again. But I'll get there eventually.

Something I could improve on: I think I need to find a better balance on vacation weeks. Sure, I didn't gain weight, but I can tell I've lost some physical progress I had made. I should have been better about working out every day and eating more veggies.

What I'm listening to: Classical music. Every now and then I'm reminded how great it can be for running. It has perfect timing. It has a driving beat. And it's just downright enjoyable and calming sometimes. I guess it isn't your typical running music, but I like it.

Currently: 78.0 pounds lost

Losing the Baby Weight!

Umm... Hello?

Is this blog still on?

High time for an update, don't you think?

Things are much much muchmuchmuch better since the last woeful post I wrote about the medication I was taking for chronic dizziness. I called the neurologist that prescribed it and he said, "Get off of it!". I concurred. But then he prescribed me another medication and when I looked up the details, I noticed that dizziness just happened to be one of the biggest side effects.

Huh???

Does he remember why I walked into his office in the first place?

I decided to scrap the neurologist and his silly medications and do things my way.

Medication-free.

I still have the dizziness. It's obnoxious, but it's not unbearable. Plus I don't feel like I want to eat my young or dive headfirst into a bucket of ice cream. I'd say that's an overall improvement, wouldn't you?

Over the last several weeks that I have been medication free, I've gotten back on track with diet and exercise. I'm still plugging away at the P90X program. One of my fitness goals is to complete the program in its entirety and I just finished Week 7!

I am also running three days a week and loveloveloving the chance to do it outside! My husband has been home for the past couple of weeks so as soon as he walks in the door from the office I run out the door. Literally. It's a wonderful/terrible/wonderful release that I anticipate all day. He is leaving again on Easter Sunday and won't be back until May. Guh! I've got to figure out a way to get outside while he's gone.

(Thinkthinkthink.)

How about a weight update, eh?

On Monday, the 2nd, the scale said I had lost a grand total of 78.1 pounds since last May when I began my weight loss journey.

Wowza!

That means I have lost this much...

...the same amount of weight as my heaviest and lightest child! It's (not) funny to lift them and think about how not so long ago I was carrying all of that with me all the time. It's also funny that it's not so hard to lift them these days. It probably has something to do with all these rippling muscles I'm building. (hee hee!)

The other day as I was working out along with the P90X DVD, my son said, "Hey Mom! You've got those bulgy things that the people on the TV do!"

Dang straight I do, kid! Tickets to the gun show anyone??

Ya'all...Life is good! It is so much better than it was almost a year ago! I feel so much better about...ME!

I am capable! I am strong! I am beautiful! I am worthwhile!

Really, I say that with humility. It isn't easy to say even still, even at 78 pounds lighter. Especially when I see all the stretch marks and baggy skin hanging off of me. It's an embarrassing and painful reminder of what I used to be. But it also serves as a safeguard that will hopefully scare me from ever getting to that wretched place again. One day I will make peace with this body of mine. And every day I feel a little closer to doing just that.

These days I'm eagerly looking forward to a major milestone: getting under the 200 pound mark. I'm at 203.4. It's soooo darn close! My goal is to be there by April 18th, my 31st birthday. I have 15 days.

Can I do it???

I sure hope so!

Less Giant, but Less Jolly.

I've been a truly pathetic blogger and for once it's truly due to more than my own lack of laziness. My computer and Blogger have been at odds for the last month. They just don't play nice.

The same could be said for my current mental state and a medication I have started recently to ease chronic dizziness I have suffered with since the birth of my last baby over a year ago. Quite frankly, I don't need any help sinking into a dark and lonely place. I tend to be rather prone to depression as it is. This last year exercise and finding health have been my saving grace. I haven't felt depressed in months and months. But in a few short days these meds seem more than willing to push me over the edge. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to eat healthy. I dont want to have self control. I don't even want to get out of bed.

This is way more information than you ever wanted on a weight loss blog I'm sure, but trust me...my mental state more than affects how my weight loss and journey to health is progressing.

Without going into much detail...it's been a rough couple of weeks. I hardly let myself celebrate the fact that I hit the 70 pounds lost mark. That's a huge milestone but it hardly put a blip on my radar.

I've made a call to my doctor and he's changing the medication. I'd much rather deal with dizziness than feel like this. This dark, cold place is going to do nothing but balloon me right back to almost 300 pounds. And I just can't go back there. For so many reasons.

Sorry it's not all sunshine and rainbows and ponies here today. But that's life. Gotta have the downs to appreciate the ups, right?

Happy Problems

Oops! Looks like I've missed out on a couple of weeks of blogging. And as I sit and type these words waiting for my computer to catch up and show them on the screen, I am reminded why.

(Dumb computer.)

Let's see if it will cooperate long enough to get an update up here.

Last Monday I weighed in at 214.0. That made for a 2.8 pound loss for the week,12.8 pounds total.

This Monday, today, I weighed in again and lost another pound. 13.8 pounds lost since January 2012 and 68.5 pounds lost since May 2011.

Baby steps. They are good baby steps, but this infantile struggle is driving me bonkers. This is taking FOREVER! I keep struggling with the same 2 pounds. Gaining and losing it over and over. I'm ready to move on! Grr.

Really what do I have to complain about? I have lost almost 70 pounds in less than a year. That's awesome. It's just going to be harder from here on out. I get that. I can't let the daily grind get me down and make me blind to the big picture.

Oh, but I do love to whine, don't I? I realized that I've started complaining lately about a few things that, really, are happy problems.

I've gotten too small for most of my clothes, but can't afford a whole new wardrobe. For now I keep wearing all these things are barely hanging onto my hips and shoulders. Sad, right?
I can't--ahem--"fill up" my bras anymore. My bust was one of the first things to go with my weight loss. My cup no longer runneth o'er.
My armpits are getting harder to shave. They are rapidly receding and becoming concave.
Before, when I would cuddle with my husband I was so embarrassed of all my "fluff". Now the fluff is deflating, leaving lots of sag. All this extra skin is grotesque and embarrassing on the other end of the spectrum. Never did plastic surgery seem so appealing.
My wedding ring no longer fits. I lose it all the time if I move my hands too energetically.
My winter coat is so baggy that I get drafts up the back all the time now.

These are things I feel foolish whining about. I'd much rather have these problems than the ones I had a few months ago: feelings of inadequacy, poor self-esteem, always being out of breath, a fatty liver, clothes that don't fit because they are too tight, etc.

Looks like my computer is tired of my rambling and isn't going to let me go on much longer.That's probably for the best.

Something good that I did this week: I started P90X again. Now I'm doing a P90X workout 6 days of the week as well as running three days a week. I usually can't fall asleep very quickly at night. That hasn't been an issue this week.

Something to improve upon: SUGAR! UGH!! It is one of my biggest weaknesses. I had vowed to leave it behind cold turkey until my birthday in April, but then I remembered that my friend Sami was going to be staying with me this week. She has three requests: 1- "I want to try sushi", 2- "Show me how to make Muddy Buddies", and 3- "Two words. Mrs. See's". I can't be a bad hostess! Her wish is my command. Never mind that I was probably subconsciously looking for any escape clause from my sugar sabbatical. *sigh* Next week. I've got to get serious about it. This is probably the biggest reason I can't seem to shake these two pounds and move on.

What I've been listening to: I moved my treadmill so it was facing my computer. Hulu.com is fantastic entertainment during those tri-weekly runs. A little Saturday Night Live. Some Parks and Rec. Life is good. And those runs never went by so quickly.

Superbowl 2012: Some Giants Won. Some...Not So Much.

Great game yesterday, right?
I'm not the biggest football fan. I don't have a team or watch sports faithfully, but I enjoy a good Superbowl Sunday.

It may or may not be mostly because of all the food.

Okay. That's exactly why I like the Superbowl. It's a chance to hang with family and EAT FOOD.

I made lots of goodies, but I was good about the goodies. I had a few of this and a couple of that. I only filled my plate once. I drank water over any of the sugary stuff. And I stopped as soon as I was full.

So after stepping on the scale this morning, I'm feeling a bit like a Patriot player. Stunned. Wondering what the heck happened. And in need of some comfort.

I didn't lose. I didn't maintain. I didn't even gain a little. I gained TWO POUNDS! TWO FLIPPING POUNDS?!

I was already in a cranky mood when I got up this morning, but that weight gain just about pushed me over the edge. As I was getting breakfast ready for the kids I opened the fridge and saw a plate with some chocolate covered strawberries left from the party the night before. Ahh. Sweet comfort.

What's the point? I try and try and work my behind off all week only to gain weight because I had a little Superbowl food the night before. And I was being "good". What if I had gone crazy like I had wanted to? Forget it. I'm done.

Chocolate covered strawberries. Get in my belly.

I popped one in my mouth. Chewed. And spit it out. This is not going to help the situation. But this is how I roll. When the going gets tough...you eat.

I popped another one in. Chewed. And again...spit it out.

Evelyn. Get a grip. Are two pounds worth this?Are you going to throw away all that you have accomplished so far? Are you going to give up any time your weight fluctuates like this?

No.

What was that?

NO!!

So I stuck it to those two pounds. During my run this morning I did an extra 10 minutes of running and 15 minutes of walking. Take that 2 pounds!! I walked away from the treadmill realizing that I have gained far more than 2 pounds. I have gained knowledge. I have gained self control. I have gained gumption.

It's a 2 pounds gain this week, but who knows? Maybe next week it will be a 5 pound loss. And even if it isn't...Oh well. At least I'm trying. At least I'll be farther along athletically. At least I won't be as depressed and out of shape. At least I can complain with reason.

Congratulations to the Giants for winning the Superbowl! And congrats to this Jolly Green Giant for winning her own Superbowl!

Happy Monday Ya'all!

Something I did great on this week: I tried clothes on at the store and although I didn't buy anything, I didn't have to go to the Plus Size section to find clothes that fit!!

Something to improve on: Measure carefully when it comes to food. Maybe I'm screwing up on my calorie counting. *shrugs shoulders*

What I'm listening to: Rio movie soundtrack.

The Fat Leading the Fat

After almost 67 pounds lost I think it's safe to say I'm on this weight loss journey for the long haul. It's a little terrifying to write that out, like I could jinx something and wake up tomorrow morning 67 pounds heavier. But I'm going to be brave, hope that I've learned a few life lessons, and be bold enough to offer a little help to others who may be on this journey as well or considering it. I wanted to share a few tips and bits of advice.

Let me be clear on one thing. I'm no expert. This is definitely the blind leading the blind...or the fat leading the fat if you will.

And I may have already done this, but I'm too lazy to go back and look. Maybe I would be more willing if it burned calories, but I don't think manipulating the mouse for 15 minutes is going to cancel out those cinnamon hot lips candies I had after lunch.

Without further adieu here are some things I do to help me on my weight loss journey:

-I am a big time nibbler, especially during meal preparation. To thwart off nibbling on things like cheese and lovely starchy things that should only be eaten in small portions, I keep a bag or bowl of fresh veggies on the counter top while I cook. This keeps my mouth busy and happy. A conveniently placed, sliced up cucumber or some celery or carrot sticks can save me hundreds of calories.

-Instead of watching TV at night I have been playing Lego Harry Potter on the Wii. I've never been a big gamer, but being a single married at night after the kids go to bed can get awfully boring and lonely. If I'm just sitting and watching TV, I'm thinking about all the food sitting in the cupboards. Thus I am more likely to indulge in late night snacking. If my fingers and brain are engaged in a game, I don't overeat. Plus, Lego Harry Potter is so much dang fun. Childish, but fun.

-I chew gum to keep my mouth busy.

-Weigh yourself often. I only "count" the weights I have on Monday mornings, but I'll admit it. I have compulsive scale disorder. I weigh myself every morning, every night, and before I get in the shower after working out. That's a tad too much I'm sure. Probably every morning would be fine. But it helps me to keep my goals in mind.

-I workout in the morning. This fresh reminder of how hard it is to work off a few hundred calories sticks with me through the day and helps me not to overindulge throughout the day.

-I try not to keep seductive food in the house. (Eat me. Eat me! You know you want me. Now, EAT ME!) If I buy candy or treats I buy ones that I don't particularly enjoy. (Naughty food.)

-When it comes to workouts I have to remember and re-remember all the time that often the hardest part of the workout is getting to it. Once I'm working out those positive vibes are vibing and the workout doesn't seem that bad. It's that time leading up to it where you're dreading it that's the worse. Keep that in mind and like they say "JUST DO IT" when it comes time to workout.

-I have been thrifting all of my clothes that I'm getting too small for. I never want to fit into them again. I have no intention of ever wearing them again. I don't want to keep them around. They're like bad omens or karma that have to go.

-The other day I bought a new (SPANDEX!) outfit and it has done wonders for my eagerness to workout. It's fun having new clothes, even if they're workout clothes! I can't wait to have some spare cash and time to go buy a new pair of running shoes.

-I got tired of listening to the same old songs on my Pandora.com stations when I run. I've started listening to podcasts, NPR, and talk radio. It helps to pass the time and I feel a lot smarter afterwards too.

-Blogging. Blogging has been huge for my weight loss progress. It gives me a place to record my progress and failings, to interact with others in my same situation, to set my goals in a highly visible place, and to feel accountable. My weight loss blog has been more helpful than I ever would have thought. Embarrassing...yes. But helpful too!

-Tracking calories on myfitnesspal.com. I never thought I would be a calorie tracker, but this has been a fantastic weight loss aid so far. I'm much better at watching exactly how much and of what I'm eating. Sometimes when I try to lose weight I go on a bit of an unintentional food strike, but this helps me to remember that it is okay to eat, that you NEED to eat to fuel your body. I'm almost surprised at how much I get to eat and still lose weight. I love that you can have "friends" on there too who can cheer and encourage you on! And the ipad and iphone apps make it super easy to use. Even a computer backward person like me can figure it out.

-I read once that to eat healthily one should "Eat like a queen at breakfast. Eat like a princess for lunch. And eat like a pauper at dinner." We really do need the bulk of our calories/energy in the morning to propel us through the day. It's okay to have a big breakfast. It's okay to eat a hearty lunch. It's good to take it easy at night. This bit of information helps me make better food choices.

-Drink water with lemon slices in it. This is supposed to help the body with water retention due to too much salt ingestion.

I think that's probably enough babbling for now. Let me know if any of this is helpful or new. And please share if you have some tips. I would love to hear them!