So...my little "speech" was last night.
It went...well. I think?
Afterwards I felt pretty drained emotionally and physically. It's been a long week at our house and I can't remember the last time I slept more than an hour at one time. But it wasn't just the lack of sleep. It was the fact that I shared my story...OUT LOUD.
And--duh!--I've been doing that for almost two years here on this blog, but this time I said it out loud. To a group of people. People with ears and eyes and body language that "speaks" back. Women I spend time with weekly, if not more often.
I'm feeling very raw about it. Very vulnerable. And really, I know how ridiculous this sounds after I've been so open about my weight loss journey and depression and other things here on the blog. But I still can't decide if it was a good thing.
I was nervous through the entire thing. My mouth was really dry and I could. not. stop. shaking. I was emotional. (No surprise there.) I could see some women growing emotional as I spoke. But I think it was the women who just watched me with no expression in their eyes that scared me the most. I could not "read" what they were thinking.
I can't help wondering how I came across to this audience. Did I sound ridiculous? Did I sound whiny? Was my message hopeful and inspiring? Was it too much about me? Did I dwell too much on the past and not enough on the future? Do they all think I'm crazy and broken now? Did I sound immature or judgmental or "holier than thou"?
I hope I can look people in the eye on Sunday at church.
I only had so much time to speak and I even went over the time allotment (oops!). It was a lot of message to squeeze into one little chunk of time. I tried to be honest and to convey that message of "if I can do it, ANYONE can" without going so far as to say that. I hoped to express how I've changed the course of my life journey and how I'm enjoying it now instead of enduring it.
A few women came up to me afterwards. These were ones who I had seen wiping away tears as I spoke. They expressed how my journey had been/was their journey. One woman, who I hardly know, simply hugged me and cried. I found out she had been called "Jolly Green Giant" as well. I had hoped to talk to her more, but my opportunity was lost with the chaos of the evening.
I wish I could just let the chips fall and be settled about it. What's done is done. I can't change it now. My hope is that maybe at least one person was affected last night and if that happened then it was completely worth it.
Also...I think I better stick with writing. At least I can get through that without doing the ugly cry. Or at least without people seeing me doing the ugly cry.
P.S. Go HERE to read Part 1 of my presentation.