Thank You, Stomach Flu!!!

4.9 pounds lost this week!

(Thank you, Stomach Flu!)

59.1 pounds lost total since 09 May 2011!!!

I am thiiiiiis close to the 60 pound mark!

I am now at the heaviest weight I was before I met my husband and had babies!

I can button up my jeans that I wore before I got pregnant! With my very first baby!!

It's Thanksgiving this week!!

Uh-oh.

If I could just shut my mouth...

...then I wouldn't be so embarrassed on Monday morning when I haven't lost half of the ten pounds I said I was going to lose before Thanksgiving. Or lost any pounds for that matter.

At least I didn't gain.

I have a feeling that if I could just shut my mouth I would also be able to lose those ten pounds. (Chocolate covered pretzels what?!)

*groan*

I'm done. I can't do this. Not now. Not through the holiday season. I've had it.

New plan of action.

Maintenance.

Until New Years.

Why does this not feel like the brightest idea either?

Making it Happen Monday

Here it is quick and dirty.

I'm still here.
I have been so so bad at this weight loss thing for the past two months.
While I haven't gained, I haven't lost either.
I'm sitting at 227.3.
54.2 pounds lost since May 9th.

For some reason Labor Day weekend undid me and I've never been able to get the pieces put back together again.
I've been eating and drinking absolute junk for several weeks now.
I'm ready to get my act together today.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner.
I can't face my family or the inevitable holiday family pictures without giving this the effort it deserves.
So I'm back.

I'm readjusting a bit.
No pop.
No eating after 8 pm.
Cut back on the carbs.
Just aim for half an hour of exercise everyday.
If it turns out to be more...so be it.
If not, don't beat yourself up over it.
I'm a busy mom.
I'm often a single mom.
Half an hour is better than nothing.

So...there it is.
My new goal is to lose 10 lbs before Thanksgiving.
Lose 10 more before Christmas.
Lose an additional 10 before Cee's first birthday.
Bringing me to my goal of being under 200 by Cee's birthday.

I can do it.
Bring it on.
That is all.

But the bandwagon looks so small from here...

A month?!

I let a whole month go by without updating the Jolly Green Giant?!

Yikes.

Well...there's a few excuses reasons I let that happen.

I've been a little sick.
It's hard to want to exercise when you can hardly breathe already and ache all over.

I've been a little busy.
School is well under way and with two kids with two different pick up times and two sets of daily homework assignments it's busier than ever.
Then there's dance classes and friends over and church activities and this and that and that and this.
And you don't have four kids and not be a little frazzled at least nine different times a day.

I've been a little depressed.
I was laid off from my work from home job.
This greatly strains our financial situation.

I've been a little lazy.
I don't know if I would call it so much "lazy" as just not having as much self control. "Busy" and "depressed" combine into one nasty little one-two punch that knocks out my self control in no time.

I've been a little overwhelmed.
We just found out our daughter has something called Celiac Disease. This means her body attacks itself when she eats anything with gluten (wheat) in it. While this can be controlled with a gluten free diet, it is a life long condition that there is no cure for. The diet is pretty intense and as I look through my pantry I can't help but feel overwhelmed when I see that 85% of our food has wheat in it. And I already struggled with what to make for dinner every night. *sigh*

I've been a little embarrassed.
I didn't exercise consistently. I ate a lot of junk. Even a couple of Dr. Peppers. I gained a few pounds back. I couldn't face the blog with my failure.

So...now that I have gotten all the excuses out there, it's time to take control again and get back on the bandwagon. Even if it does look so teensy tinsy from here.

I gained a few pounds back, but after a 3.4 weight loss this week I am currently at 227.7. That means since 09 May 2011 I have lost a total of 53.8 pounds. And that, my friends, is nothing to shake your head at. I will not let the last sloppy month destroy the success I've already had. Onwards and upwards.

As I try to shake the plateau and get back on course I have finally entered the world of calorie counting and with the help of loseit.com it's easier than I anticipated. I'm still breastfeeding 8.5 month old Cee so I added on 300 calories in my daily allowance. How long can I get away with that one, eh? ;)

I restarted P90X last week and made it through all six days. I know it's only been a week but I can already feel a difference in my muscles. I'm rather excited to see what can happen in 90 days. I don't want to look like a steroid body building Amazon woman or anything, but a little tone and definition wouldn't hurt.

Please don't think I'm so hard core by doing P90X. I don't do the pullups. Instead I use my hand weights and imitate what the people with the resistance bands are doing. I figure there's time for real pullups later. I only have a set of 3 and 5 pound weights so I'm not pumping eye-popping weight either. For right now, 5 pounds is enough. I plan to get on KSL.com and find an inexpensive weight set soon. Oh and I haven't started following the P90X diet yet either. I just can't seem to get on board with one carb, one fruit, and seven--SEVEN!--servings of protein a day.

And honestly, P90X is not as bad as everyone makes it sound to be (except for the diet). They sure intimidate the sweat right out of you with all the commercials on TV. All those sweaty, ripped beasts cranking out pullups like nobody's business. It's totally doable as long as you're willing to follow Tony's motto: "Do your best and forget the rest!"

I haven't ran in a few weeks. I miss running, but with Joe being out of town all the time, the weather cooling off, the days getting shorter, and my mommy schedule, running has to take a back seat for a bit. My hope is that doing P90X will help me be a better runner when I can get back to it.

And there it all is. The excuses, the failures, the updates, the hope. Bandwagon, here I come! Happy Monday everybody!

Good News and Bad News

Good news and bad news.

Which do you want first?

No weight gained, but none lost either.

This is the second week in a row that I've maintained my current weight.

While I'm grateful I haven't gained anything, I'm frustrated with this plateau. I have a goal of being under 200 pounds before January 20, 2012, Baby Cee's first birthday. I don't care if I'm at 199.9999 pounds. I just want to see a 100 on the scale versus a 200.

As of today that means I need to lose 30 more pounds in four months. That is totally doable. I just need to get strict with myself again. I have been anything but strict lately. Skipping workouts and eating chocolate covered pretzels isn't exactly "dedicated". It's time to change things up.

Blah. I hate change.

Joe and I decided to start P90X today. I read over the material last week and we even did the Fit Test to make sure we "qualified". I barely qualified, but qualify I did.

I'm afraid I don't have the most positive attitude in starting P90X. It just seems brutal and brutal isn't for me. But I need to do something different and the program is already sitting in my house. Might as well use it. Plus, Joe said he would do it with me and I will do just about anything to get him on board with this get-healthy journey.

Funny thing is, we were supposed to start today and he headed out of town on a business trip. Looks like it's just me and good ol' Tony Horton. Ugh.

Here I go. Hold me to it! Today is the day I finally start P90X.

(I have my "before" pictures but I'm only willing to show those side by side with the "after" pictures.)

I am Mom. Hear me run.

5:10 am.

The baby wakes

Ready to be fed.

Ever the good mother

I rescue her from her nocturnal cage.

As she eats

Toasty and nuzzled by my side

I ponder on Frost and his two roads.

Such deep thoughts for such a shallow hour.

I ask myself

Which road do I take?

The well traveled road,

The one that lets me lay here toasty and nuzzled between sleeping babe and sleeping “Babe”?

Or do I take "the road less traveled",

The literal road that asks for an RSVP of Tennis shoes and sweat?

I chose the latter.

“I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

As I emerge from the warmth of the house I strap on Orion’s Belt

And take a greedy swig from the Big Dipper.

The constellations are my running companions

As is the wind that grouchily shoves at me and grumbles,

“Go back to bed. Go back to bed.”

But there is Frost in the wind

And as I run I take the literal road less traveled by:

A new running path.

One that takes me away from my rut of a route routine.

I run in solitude as the stars slyly wink at me, silently cheering me on.

The twinkling headlights from early morning travelers

Connect in manmade constellations.

They travel a different path than I.

I run

Uphill

I run

Past a cluster of cranky teenagers biding at the bus stop.

I cast my eyes to the ground,

Embarrassed that I’m far from the teenage dream

But soundlessly giggling with wicked premonitions of paunchy bellies and receding hair lines.

I run

Determined to propel myself through the entire distance.

With a half and three miles behind me

I finish.

And just as I enter my house

The sun peeks over the mountains

And gives me a swat on the bum as if to say

“Job well done! I’ve got this.”

Another day has hardly begun

And I am yet again accomplished as a runner.

I traveled the road less traveled by.

I gave wear where wear was wanting.

And as my day is underway

I can see

That it has made “all the difference”.

The Funny Thing about Goals...

I made a rather tough choice today.

I decided to drop my goal to run a half marathon. At least a half marathon in October. At least one I have to pay for.

I received some rotten news earlier this week that has seriously impacted our family's finances. There just isn't going to be extra money to be used for stuff like racing fees.

This doesn't mean I'm giving up on running altogether.

But in a way...I'm kind of relieved that I don't have the money. I'm losing my oomph when it comes to running. It's getting really boring actually. I find myself beginning to dread the long runs. Just too long. Too much time away from my family and my mommy duties. It's getting too hard to fit in to a busy school day as the weather gets colder, the days get shorter, and the kids need more mommy help with homework, reading, etc.

My goals need a little freshening up. I'm not giving up on weight loss. I'm not giving up on running. I'm not even giving up on a half marathon. I just have to delay it for a bit. The goal is already set to complete one in September 2012.

I want to try something different. Maybe a little Zumba? A little spinning? Some P90X? These happen to be other goals of mine. And if I can convince Joe to join me...Even better.

The funny thing about goals is...they change. As I change they are changing with me. And that is a very good thing.

Quick and Dirty

Hey! Still here chugging away on this weight loss journey! Life has been crazy as it always is.

As of Tuesday, September 6, 2011 (Labor Day holiday kind of messed me up on weigh in days) I lost another 4.1 pounds, bringing me to a total of 52.4 pounds lost since May 9, 2011.

As of Monday, September 12, 2011 I lost 0 pounds. No surprise with the bigger loss the week before. Here's hoping for a better week this week.

My first 10K race was on Saturday, September 3rd. It was a fantastic experience and I plan to write about in detail when I have a bit more time and the pictures to add.

I've hit a motivational slump over the last couple of weeks, but I'm working my way out of it. Onward and upward!

Triumphs and Troubles

5.4 pounds lost.

48.3 pounds total since 09 May 2011.

Funny how my weight loss goals start to get back in line just when my fitness goals are driving me crazy.

It was a hard week of running last week. Every day of running was excruciating to get through. One morning as I was bustling around the house cleaning, I bent forward and felt a rip in my upper back left leg. PAIN! It was sore the rest of the day and I wanted to cry with fear and frustration that my running goals were slipping through my hands. I ran that night anyway. The pain wasn't bad by then. But half a week later I can still feel it, nagging and pecking away at my self doubt.

My Saturday run was frustrating too. Usually my Saturday runs are glorious and triumph-laden. I had planned and fully expected to run 7 miles. But I couldn't run the whole thing. I ended up walking throughout.

After a run, I always feel accomplished when I did it "clean" meaning to me that I ran the entire distance I had planned to run. No walking. No shortcuts. No excuses. So after walking through parts of a 7 mile run I couldn't help but feel I had cheated and that my 7 miles was no accomplishment.

Is there something wrong with me?
Am I a perfectionist when it comes to running?
Is there anything wrong with walking parts of a running route?
Does it still "count"?

I wonder if I need to change my expectations of myself.
Or I wonder if this is just a bad week or I'm over training or I'm injured or...or...or...

I worry that I have pushed my body to its limit and this is it for me. I hate that! I hate feeling like I can't do it. And that's exactly how I feel this week. And just when I had decided I wanted to try for a full marathon next year...(Shh! I didn't say that out loud.)

Good week for weight loss. Bad week for fitness progress. We shall see what this week brings...

I may eat like a horse, but at least I can run like one too

I'm so frustrated with my weight gain this week. I'm even more disgusted with my lack of self control when it comes to food. This weight loss journey is such a...journey. Sometimes I start to feel too weary and just want to give up. I've been on weight loss journeys before and that's what I've always done when the going gets tough. I give up and I eat my way back to the weight I was before plus some. I'm simply not going to let that happen this time. I haven't come this far to give up over a few lousy weight loss weeks.

Plateaus happen. So what?!

I think one thing that's helping me be successful when I haven't been successful so many other times is that my goals include more than weight loss numbers. Yes, I want to lose weight and I want to see those numbers on the scale drop, but when the plateaus happen as they inevitably will what will keep me motivated and going?

I may not be reaching my weight loss goals right now, but I'm killing my fitness goals. I weigh 238 pounds, but I can run 6.2 miles without stopping one single time. Pardon my french and my lack of humility, but that is freaking awesome! How many 120 pound people can do that?

I'm not at a point in my weight loss where I am comfortable with how I look. I am not willing to just "be okay" with my current weight yet. I still have weight loss goals to meet and pants to buy. I'm not giving up on my healthy eating, but this is the kind of day where it's okay that I can't be perfect at losing weight, but I can be perfect at meeting a fitness goal.

For now, that is my motivation to keep trying.

Donuts and Pizza and Ice Cream! Oh My!

We have been off on a little mini vacation this last week. I figured we needed to get in one last hurrah before school started today. We took off to Hometown, Idaho and spent a few days with family and friends.

Any time I write "family and friends" here just feel free to insert "food and food".

Just bypass all the love and laughter and go straight to the food.

Ugh.

I feel like an alcoholic in a bar every time we get together for a reunion or a family get together. Sometimes I can hardly focus on the conversation because I can't stop thinking about the food or how to not eat all the food or what I need to do to avoid the unhealthy food or how many miles I need to run to work off the food I just ate.

It's such a mental "game" and I play it every single time we are gathered together in a familial unit.

Bother.

Since my running routine has been getting longer and longer the closer I get to my 10K and half marathon races, I have justified indulging a little more often. Carb loading, right?

Wrong. My body does not work that way. As my sister so lovingly put it, "Remember that you have fat stored up as a source of running energy. You don't need the extra."

She wasn't being unkind. She was being frank. And frank is what I need. Not frank furters.

My mom has been meaning to show me how to make homemade donuts for months now. That took place this last weekend. I must have absorbed some of the grease as we were frying them up. It couldn't have been the few I ate.

The family reunion we attended had one full table of desserts. I figured the 10K run I had done that morning needed to be rewarded...with rice krispie treats and chocolate cake.

The date night Phad Thai.
The family night pizza.
The late night root beer float.
The cheesy enchiladas at the in laws.

They all came calling and I'm never one to turn someone away.

It's no surprise this morning that the scale said I had gained...Yes, you read that right...GAINED 1.2 pounds back.

Last week I lost 0 pounds. This week I gained 1.2 pounds. This is not going the way I need it to.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

I've been reading a book on how to eat when training for a marathon. And since I'm in the midst of training for a half marathon I figured I ought to experiment upon the word.

And the word is: Carb-loading.

It scares me to death. What's this you say? Carbs are actually GOOD for you? It can't be. I won't believe it. Is it possible???

Let me clarify that this book teaches that "good" carbs are good for carb loading. We're talking whole grains, cereals, carbs in fruits and veggies, pastas, potatoes, beans, etc. Those kind of carbs.

So just like a good little marathoner I carb loaded...on rice krispie treats. Sure, I had loads of energy to get through my five mile run the next morning, but I just don't understand why I didn't lose a single ounce this week...

That's right. I lost 0.0 pounds this week. I think I can understand what those contestants on The Biggest Loser feel when they see a big fat ZERO on the score board. At least it wasn't a gain. At least it wasn't a gain. At least it wasn't a gain.

There is a lesson to be learned here and I do believe it has something to do with eating two three okay! maybe four plus a few more rice krispie treats. My body was craving them! For days I denied myself and then one night I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Ugh! I've got to get my head back in the game. I don't want to see another 0.0 loss next week. I fear that healthy eating will always be a struggle. I just may never conquer it completely. But that doesn't mean I have to give up completely.

You got me this week rice krispie treats, but next week I'm coming back!

5 Miles

I love Saturdays.

Saturdays are the days I get the chance to push the limits and see what I'm made of.

Joe is typically home on Saturday mornings so I walk out of the house and leave the kids, the house, the phone, the computer, the worries with him.

It's just me and the road. What can we accomplish today?

Today it was five miles. No stops. No music. No limits.

10K run? No problem. Half marathon? Pfft. I got this.

In the middle of my run, as I was running down my neighborhood street, my neighbor (who has a Ragnar bumper sticker on his car) shut down his lawn mower to yell at me.

"Hey Evelyn! How many are you doing today?"

Ahhh...I see my reputation proceeds me.

Through heavy breaths I tried to yell back, "The goal today is five miles."

"That is so AWESOME! Can I get you some water?"

I declined. Places to go, road to pound and all. But his offer was more refreshing than any glass of water.

I'm so grateful for my cheerleaders!

The neighbors who drive by and jab a power fist in the air for me.
My sister who texts me that she just finished 12 miles that morning. (She's AMAZING!)
My husband who doesn't say much about it, but still takes over the kids, house, and all with no complaints so I can go and do.
My friend Sami who reports her exercise and weight loss progress to me and asks how I'm doing too.
The overweight woman who I saw jogging this morning. She doesn't know me and I don't know her, but I see her on the same path as me and I get inspired.
All those who comment here with words of encouragement or advice or even just a "Hey! Me too!"

I realize that I'm not on my little journey alone.
I sure love my traveling companions.
Thank you to you all.

5 miles today. What does next Saturday bring?

Change of Heart

I remeasured my running route tonight.

What I had thought was a 3 mile run is actually a 4 mile run!

I have been running 4 miles without stopping and I didn't even know it.

I can't tell if that makes me kind of smart or kind of dumb.

Whatever it is...it makes me feel kind of awesome!

I can run 4 miles without stopping!

That's insane to me!

I was so down on myself because I thought I was running a 16 minute mile.

That's a terrible pace.

Now I know it's closer to a 12 minute mile which still isn't fantastic, but at least it's not 16 minutes.

Never mind on that bad day.

I'm good.

Mama Said...

Days like this...

make me...

CRAZY.

I started to type "Days like this make me want to give up!" but I erased that because it's just not true anymore. I don't want to give up. In fact I'm terrified of giving up. I never ever ever never want to go back to who I was a few months ago and I just simple cannot let that happen.

Still, on a journey like this, you have fantastic days where you feel like a million bucks and you feel like you could be president of something if you really wanted to and then you have really rotten meager days like today.

Days where your body and your children and your life are joining forces to make running feel pointless and impossible and stupid.

The baby is screaming.
The three year old is crying.
The older two are bickering.
The sun is too hot.
The running clothes are chafing.
The car needs $700 in repairs.
The house is a mess.
The work is piling up.
The everything and anything are all wrong.

And where you could run for an hour only a day before, all the sudden you can't make it for 20 minutes. There's no way you're going to be prepared for  half marathon, much less a 10K. What were you thinking to make these kinds of goals?! And forget about what a crummy runner you are. How about what a negligent mom you are too? And let's not forget how shoddy your housekeeping skills are. And what about the kind of friend you are anymore. Pathetic. And this...And that... And...blahblahblah.

I suppose these bad days help us to appreciate those great days. At least that's what I keep telling myself in hopes I'll believe it.

The Moment

Last week I found myself running on a mountain road before the sun had risen.

It was a moment.

One I thought would never be my moment.

I thought running was for skinny people, ambitious people, young people, rich people, different people, crazy people. Not ME people.

But here I was...

running
up
a
mountain

and enjoying it no less!

The air was laced with the scent of pine trees.
There were birds singing cheery early morning tunes.
The rest of the campground was silent with sleeping campers.
The sky was just beginning to brighten with the first rays of the sun.

It was a moment to be savored.

It was a moment I realized something startling.

It was not very long ago that I was pushing, struggling, gasping to run to the end of my neighborhood block.

And now I'm jogging UP a mountain?! and feeling alive and ambitious and amazing and able while doing it.

Who is this new Evelyn? This girl is so different from the girl I was a few months ago. If someone had told me how quickly this physical and mental transformation could happen I would have scoffed at them.

No way.

No way can I be happy.
No way can I run.
No way can I run a mile or two or more.
No way can I lose this weight that keeps me prisoner physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, romantically.
No way.

YES WAY!

No, life isn't perfect peaches, roses and rainbows now that I can run more than 3 miles at a time or because I have lost 40 pounds. Every day is a struggle in one way or another.

But, yes, I can do so much more than I knew I could. I CAN lose 60 more pounds. I CAN truly enjoy running and exercise. I CAN run a 10K. I CAN complete a half marathon. I CAN be more than I have resigned myself to be. I CAN pick up my kids without hurting. I CAN wear clothes that fit. I CAN be with people without wishing the earth would swallow me whole.

And I realized all of this in the matter of one moment.

It was a beautiful moment.

Have you had your moment yet?

Maybe Being Sick Isn't Such a Bad Thing Afterall...

We went camping last week which was so much fun. I hardly wanted to come back. Coming back meant having to face the real world again: bosses, work schedules, school prep, house work, even Facebook and blogging.

Oh and let's not forget...the scale.

Lest you thought that once a girl loses almost 40 pounds she has conquered her twisted love affair with sugar let me testify this is not so.

I caved and I caved BAD.

I tried to be good all week. I ate my veggies. I even brought along cans of V8 to chug when no veggies were available. I didn't have seconds at any of the delicious dutch oven meals. I even tried to steer clear of the community goodie box. But by Friday I had completely given up on healthy eating.

I crammed Milky Way Midnights like a woman obsessed. I had seconds on dutch oven pizza (How is it that everything is so much more delicious in the mountains?). I indulged in carbs, carbs, and more carbs.

Ohhh...I am so ashamed. The entire time I felt like everyone in camp was watching me, scrutinizing me, judging me for every little thing I ate. Now that doesn't sound psycho, does it?

When we got home on Saturday I just knew I had gained 5 pounds. Sure I had gone running twice and hiking once, but there was no way I could come away from all those calories unscathed.

Go figure. The scale was kind.

My stomach was kinder. It got sick. In fact, it got so sick that I had to literally RUN to the bathroom in the middle of the Primary Sharing Time I was teaching on Sunday (humiliating!). I think all that sugar finally caught up with me. I spent the rest of Sunday nursing a Gatorade and laying in bed.

My unintentional *ahem* "cleanse" eradicated my weak week. This week's weight loss: 5.3 pounds lost!

I did it! I lost 40 pounds (Actually 44.1 pounds total!) and broke away from the 240s!!

Can we go camping again?! I do believe my weight loss regimen requires it.

Running in the Rain

Just as I began my morning run at the local high school track it started to rain.

What's a little rain? I kept jogging.

Then it started pouring down rain.

I kept jogging.

It was early. Most of the other runners had left either because of the rain (wimps!) or because they were done with their workouts (more likely than the former).

It was just me and the track and the rain. The rain was warm and harmless. Before long I was soaked. But I felt so alive!

This was a girlhood fantasy dream come true. (I would say fantasy but then I would have to admit that it was probably more hormonally charged than I am willing to confess to. At least directly.)

I wish I had done this ages ago. I discovered that nothing makes you feel more alive than running in a summer rain.

Aaaaaand then nothing makes you feel more like the old fat person you are than running in the rain with high school football practice starting on your left side and cheer leading practice on your right side.

This was a girlhood nightmare.

It was something straight out of my past or one of those gawky teen flicks.

I was never a cheerleader (or a football player). I was the chubby awkward girl who got good grades.

Now I'm the chubbier awkward lady who has four babies, bills, and other worries besides not being asked to the school dance, studying for finals, and remembering my locker combination.

Still I couldn't help feeling like I was right back there. Back in that painful pubescent period.
The football players stood on the track joking around and wasting time before their practice began on the field inside the track lanes. They didn't move out of my way as I jogged in my lane. I had to run around them. Just as I had had to in high school.

The cheerleaders all wore teeny tiny shorts and perky up dos that obviously had more intention than just keeping their hair out of their face. After all, football practice was going on only a mere few yards away. They mostly ignored me. I was insignificant. Just as I had been in high school.

Just a fat, huffy puffy, old mom.
Before they all showed up I had been soaring with the exhilaration of jogging through an early morning summer rain fall. Now I felt keenly aware of every roll of fat, every heavy footfall, every gasp for air.

Then the thought came to me...

Where are you all going to be in 10 years?

I slapped on my mental blinders, continued my run, and almost giggled out loud as I imagined the balding and bellies, the minivans and mortgages in their futures.

This wasn't about them. This wasn't about high school. This wasn't even about me 10 years ago.

This was about me. Now. In the present. And the me I am trying to create for the future.

This is a personal journey. And so far my journey is going marvelously. A few cocky football players and snobby cheerleaders do nothing to change how far I've come and how far I can go.

So, I kept running through the rain. And there may or may not have been football and cheer leading practice going on all around me. Who knows. Who cares.

I am the heroine in my own movie. And we all know what happens at the end of those teen flicks anyway, right?

one

One measly little pound lost this week.

1.0 to be exact.

That's the lowest weight loss week I've had yet. I suppose it might have something to do with the two small-ish helpings of birthday cake and ice cream this weekend. Just maybe might possibly...

But one pound...
That was frustrating to see especially after running the farthest run I've done so far in this particular weight loss journey.

Maybe this means I'll have a killer week next week where I bust out of the 240s and mark off another goal: Lose 40 pounds.
We're going camping this week which ought to be great for weight loss. Hiking, trail running, swimming, roughing it.

We're going camping this week which could be possibly disastrous for my weight loss. My uncle who will be at the camp out was a professional dutch oven caterer. Need I say more?

Yes, I need. There's also a community treat bin that will be calling me out all week. I must resist. I must resist. I...must...resist...

I can do it! I've come this far. There's no turning back now.

I'm getting kind of excited to do some running in the mountains. A different physical challenge. New scenery. The refreshing smell of the pine trees and streams. I love camping!

Plus, I'm hoping to snatch a few minutes to read the two half marathon training books I bought on Amazon.com last week. (Thanks Laura for the tip!)

*Beginner's Half-Marathon Trainer: The 14-Week Program to Completing a Half-Marathon in Your Best Time by Jon Ackland

*Food Guide for Marathoners by Nancy Clark, Jeff Galloway

If nothing else at least I will have exercised my mind.

But I have a feeling I'll be doing more. My whole mentality has changed these days. I WANT to run. I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to succeed.

Plus my sister (aka my half marathon buddy) is going to be there. And she's hard core. I can't let my little sis show me up.

At least not a lot.

3 Miles

3 miles.

All running. No stopping.

It was so hard.

After the first mile, after the second mile, I really began to wonder if I could do it.

My body begged and pleaded for me to just stop. Give up. Call it.

But I ignored it. I did it. I ran all three miles.

I not only did it. I sprinted at the end.

And I felt like one bad mamba jamba as I strutted through that last cool down lap to the victorious sounds of Muse blasting over my earphones.

I gave myself chills.

Is there a super hero cape flowing behind me?

Maybe.

Is there anything I can't do?

Today it all feels possible.

Weighing In and Wondering

It's Monday. You know what that means... Time to weigh in and see if the peanut butter candy I indulged in last night undid all of my efforts over the week.

2.8 pounds lost.

Now. What would it have been had I not eaten the stupid PB candy? Ugh. The "what ifs" could kill a girl.

Oh well. 2.8 pounds is still pretty good. And that brings me to a total of 37.8 pounds lost. Getting very close to 40! Maybe next week...IF I can steer clear of the PB candy that is.

But yikes! We have two birthdays this week: Joe's and Jeigh's.

Holidays are always a battle for me. Do I stick strictly to healthy eating? Or do I reserve my treat day for the holiday? Or do I just indulge a bit in the name of celebrating?

What do you all do? Stay true or indulge? And do you suffer with guilt afterwards like I do?

Baby Steps and Gag Orders

Joe got home last night (WOOHOO!)

Now that he's home I couldn't wait to do one thing...

I woke up early this morning and went running. ALL BY MYSELF!!! Ahhhh...

I've heard people say before that exercise is their escape. I just didn't understand that until now. But an hour of running all by myself, without four little ones underfoot, in hand, and within ear reach was the perfect release from two weeks of married single motherhood.

I did 3.5+ miles on the local high school track. I ran 2.25 miles of that and 2 of those miles without stopping! I didn't hurt. I wasn't out of breath. I even thought about going farther, but in my training I have so far to go in such a short amount of time before I'm ready for my half marathon. I can't risk injuring myself now.

I have to remember to take baby steps. 2 miles is enough for today. But 2 miles makes me feel pretty awesome nonetheless. If you had told me a couple of months ago that I was capable of running 2 miles continuously...I would have laughed in your face...or probably cried. That's more my style.

Who knew that running could be such an emotional affair?

It really is. My sister gets that. She's training for her first half marathon on September 3rd. I'm so proud of her! And I can't wait to be there when she crosses the finish line. I decided to not only be there, but BE there running my first 10K, a good baby step towards a half marathon.

It's funny how a 10K (6.2 miles) used to seem so impossible, but now that I am aiming for a half marathon (13.1 miles) it's a walk in the park.

Kind of.

Not really.

Whatever. It's all relative.

For her own reasons my sister hasn't told very many people about her upcoming race. I didn't understand why she was keeping it on the downlow. It's such an admirable goal. But after the reaction I got the other day when I told a woman that I was training for a half marathon I kind of get the secrecy.

My sister is a runner. She weighs about a hundred pounds less than me. She's a beast. And if she's worried about telling people...

When I mentioned I was training for a half to a neighbor lady, she looked me up and down and I swear her thought process went something like this: "Suuuuure you are. All 246 pounds of you."

I felt so stupid.

Note to self: Keep half marathon to self until half marathon is over.

So, I'm placing a gag order on myself and keeping my training to myself.

Oh and anyone else who reads this blog.

Whatever.

This is scary...

I must be insane.

My stomach sure thinks so. It gets all queasy and crampy every time I think about what I have committed myself to today. I keep having to run to the bathroom just from the pure anxiety, fear, and excitement that are wreaking havoc on my intestines.

What's got me so crazy?

I decided to bite the bullet and start training for a half marathon. THIS half marathon in fact.



*runs to bathroom*

I'm scared to death! I'm excited beyond belief! I'm definitely insane.

Running. 13.1 miles.

I weigh 246.5 pounds. I can only run about a mile without stopping. I have four little kids.

But I have 14 and a half weeks to train.
I have a willing heart.
And I even have a sister who has agreed to do it with me!

I can do this. I can do this? I can do this!

I think...

Adios 250s!

I've been edging my way ever closer to the 240s. It's taking a little longer than I would have hoped, but after today's weigh-in I can say...I finally made it past the 250 mark!!! And with style! I lost 4.8 pounds this week bringing me to 246.5 pounds and 35.0 pounds lost total!

Ahhhhh! That feels incredible!

I think what helped this week is that I messed up. You read that right. I messed up. I ate after 8 pm. I ate some not so healthy things. And I missed a few workouts. I think my body needed the change up. Or maybe I lost muscle...? I don't know, but I'll take my 4.8 pounds and run with it.

Literally.

I just can't let go of my running goals. I want to do it! And I have started running again and it's not hurting this time. Maybe I'm stronger. Maybe I don't weigh as much. Whatever changed, I'm loving it and hoping I can get serious about running again.

Now to find the time, the shoes, and the race...

A New Way to Celebrate

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary. Oh and Joe's too of course. It's also Monday, meaning time to check in with the scale. Scale says... Down another 2.6 pounds. Total weight loss 30.2 pounds!

That means...I have hit another milestone and can cross off another goal. Lose 30 pounds. Done and done!

I am thiiiiiiiis close to being under the 250 mark (today I'm at 251.3). I tumbled through the 280s, barreled past the 270s. Tiptoed through the 260s. And strolled through the 250s. My weight loss is slowing down, but I am so excited to say ta-ta to the upper end of 200!

Oh to be looking at the 240s! Then the 230s! Then the 220s--GASP! I haven't seen those since before I was married and I thought I was fat then. (I was, but I managed to kick myself into gear and lose 50 pounds before I met Joe.)

On this day that we celebrate our wedding anniversary and we watch the home video of that beloved day, I can't help but stare longingly at the girl I used to be. On my wedding day I was 175 pounds. I had cheekbones and only one chin. I had lovely arms and muscular legs. My stomach was flat, my waist was thin, my rear end was in control.

*sigh*

One day...One day I'm going to see that person again in the mirror. She won't be quite the same. She might be saggier and baggier and older, BUT WISER and stronger and more confident.

One day...

After watching our home video, I celebrated our wedding anniversary by walking 3 miles and jogging 1 mile of it without stopping! And there goes another goal on my list: Run 1 mile without stopping. Done and done! What a different way to celebrate than I normally would with a box of Mrs. See's chocolates. Life is good. Love is grand! I love my hunka hunka burnin' love! and I can't wait to give him back his blushing bride...only better!

Freedom from Myself

Happy Fourth of July everyone! I have a house full of people and a schedule full of fun. No time for blogging, but very quickly here's the results of today's weigh in:

Another 1.9 pounds lost (on a doozy of a holiday weekend spent with family no less!)
Total weight loss now at 27.6 pounds!

My family is starting to notice my progress. They think my waist looks smaller! They talk about wanting to be healthy too, but the treats and pop still make the rounds. *sigh* One day we will all be strong together.

Gangrene Goals

My goals are not working out for me. It's time to change them up.

All of my goals are based on running and after three weeks of trying to run I have had to confess that my body is not ready to run right now. My knees went from irritated to hurt to painful to tear-inducing torture. I began to dread my running days and looking for excuses to get out of it.

Plus my 5 month old baby Cee grew wise to my running routine.

She used to be content to sit in the stroller and sleep or watch. Now she screams the entire 45 minutes. I would run a lap. Pat her and try to soothe her. Run another lap. Pat. Soothe. Run. Soothe. Run. Soothe. It didn't work. Two--TWO!-- moms came wandering by looking to see where the neglected baby was at. It was embarrassing and frustrating.

Have you ever tried to run while listening to a screaming, not crying, but freaking-out-screaming baby???

It feels like trying to jog with someone jogging at your side saying, "You can't do this. You're a bad mom. You're wrong to try. You're fat. Give up. You CAN'T. Just stop."

When I realized how often the word "can't" was rolling through my brain, I started talking to myself out loud to drown out the pessimism.

"I CAN do this. I NEED to this. I am NOT a bad mom. I CAN do this!"

But between the crying knees and crying baby...I have to call it quits. Not on exercise altogether. Just on jogging for right now. This is not positive exercise.

Maybe when Cee is a little older.
Maybe when I'm fifty pounds lighter.
Maybe when my husband is in town longer than the weekend and I don't have four littles along for the ride.

But now I have this list of goals that includes running miles and 5Ks and even a marathon. I don't know what goals to make if they don't involve distances like that. Where do I go from here? I'm afraid my exercise motivation is wandering.

I keep meaning to officially start P90X, but I'll admit it. I'm scared. Pull ups? Push ups? Eek!

I feel like I have hit a wall. I know there's a way over it. I just don't know how yet.

I'm Still Here

Hi! Here I am!

I'm still here and still being accountable. With Joe out of town, four little ones running around, and a work from home job I simply lack the time to post too often.

Weigh-in day was Monday, as always. I was down another 3.1 pounds bringing me to a total of 25.7 pounds lost in total since 09 May 2011. Not too shabby for 7 weeks of exercising and eating right.

The Fourth of July is coming up this weekend and I'm bracing for the temptations. My sister sent me the menu plans for the weekend today (Isn't she organized?) and of course there are carbs, sweets, and pop galore.

Memorial Day was hard for me as we gathered as a family and the treats were passed around again and again. My family is aware that I am trying to lose weight and get healthy. After I turned down a few treats they encouraged me by saying they were impressed with my self control. That really did help me to feel better about being "left out" of the goodies. And I felt strong being able to resist the temporary satisfaction of consuming lots of unhealthy and needless calories.

I hope I can be as strong this week. I am getting closer and closer to being below the 250 mark and that is really exciting to me. I don't want to screw it up with some temporary holiday treats. When meal time comes around I plan to load up at least half of my plate with veggies and fruits, a little protein, and then a small amount of carbs. Filling up on the veggies will help me to avoid making dumb, impulsive food choices. And of course, drink lots of water. NO POP!

How do you avoid the festivities feeding frenzy???

Whining and Weighing-In and Winning

I keep waiting for this process to get easier.

I need to realize that it is just not going to. In fact, it may even get harder the farther into it I get.

Knowing that is so frustrating to myself.

This morning I stood and looked at myself in the mirror as I do often, searching, searching, searching for evidence that I am changing, shrinking, getting fitter and healthier. So far, I don't see much happening. I try to think positively and imagine how I will look twenty, forty, eighty, one hundred pounds from now. It just feels so impossible some days.

Will I ever be able to do it?

Will I ever be able to watch other people eat dessert and not go through the mental debate: "Just a bit! No! Just a little bit! I'll exercise extra hard tomorrow! No way! I hate this!! Why can't I just eat and be fat AND happy?"

Ugh.

I still can't let myself think about chocolate too much. If I do I start to think how easy it would be to make some chocolate chip cookies, even though these have never been a huge temptation before. The kids ask for a treat and I think about how much fun it would be for all of us to gather in the kitchen and bake cookies together. This might be okay once in awhile but every day like I want to?

I flip through my cook book looking for a dinner recipe and I see a recipe for Bread Pudding. Bread Pudding! I've always wanted to learn how to make that! But if I make it I will snack while I make it and I will scarf down a bunch of it once it's made. I would love to pick up baking or cooking as a hobby, but it's too dangerous.

I made Joe a Father's Day dinner of Pasta Carbonara (think bacon and Parmesan cheese), frog eye salad (pasta and sugar), and homemade cream puffs (butter, pudding, chocolate!). For the life of me, I couldn't keep my fingers out of the food. This must be why alcoholics never make good bar tenders. It's just too darn tempting.

I think it is probably the Father's Day menu that undid me. Today was weigh-in day and I only lost 1.2 pounds (22.6 pounds total).

I know, I know. It's an achievement to just have lost something, but if only I had been more disciplined... If only I had gotten one more workout in... If only this and only that. A girl could drive herself crazy. I need to calm down about this process. I know it's going to take a long time. I'm just not very good at being patient.

I've got to hang on to the good things that are happening.

• When Joe got home from his two week trip, he hugged me and commented that I felt smaller to him.
• I'm still wearing the same pants as I did 22.6 pounds ago, but they feel looser in the thighs, butt, and waist.
• Despite the mental torture, I am able to say "no thank you" when dessert goes round.
• I think just maybe I might be able to see my collar bone beginning to emerge from my chest. Just a hint.
• My face feels thinner.
• My skin feels nice with all the water I'm drinking.
• Drinking tons of water has become second nature.
• I've stopped chewing my fingernails and they look really nice right now.
• With the help from control panel under-roos, I can fit into a skirt I haven't worn in several years.
• I have made my way from 281.5, through the 270s, past the 260s, and now to the 250s.
• I can't wait to be on the lighter side of 250 and I'm getting closer.
• Eating after 8 pm has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. It's actually quite a safeguard against mistakes.
• I've lost the equivalent pounds of my baby plus a few. When I pick her up and feel how heavy she is, that makes me feel a little better.
• I'm not as tired all the time.
• My sisters told me a couple of weeks ago that I just seem happier.
• I am not as squeamish about cuddling with my husband out of pure embarrassment of myself.
• My children are eating a lot healthier. No pop, no chicken nuggets, no junk. I like that I am finally practicing what I preach.
• I can go to a restaurant and make better choices.
• I have more endurance and breath when working out. I don't fatigue as quickly and exercise actually feels good instead of being unbearable and undesirable.
• We spend more time together as a family outside being active.
• I just feel better: more proactive, more in control, more capable. I am closer to being the person I want to be than I was a month and a half ago.

So...I guess there are a few good things happening after all.

How are you all doing out there? What good things are happening for you?

Breakfast! The Meal of Champions

I love breakfast!

It's got to be one of my three favorite meals of the day for sure! And breakfast is good any time of the day. Pancakes for dinner? You betcha!

Wait.

No. That's the old me. The new me doesn't get to scarf down blueberry pancakes like there's no tomorrow. The new me chooses breakfast wisely. A good breakfast can determine how the rest of my day goes. If I have a good start, I'm more likely to keep the momentum the rest of the day.

And what makes for a good breakfast? Protein! Who knew? Isn't it strange that most of our breakfast choices are carb loaded? Pancakes and french toast and muffins and bagels and donuts and waffles and all that other yummy stuff. Eating protein instead or at least WITH our carbs is the way to go. It helps us feel fuller, faster, finer.

So, that's what I've been trying to do. Get a serving of good protein in every morning.

Bacon and sausage protein? Nope.

More like eggs, peanut butter, ground flax seed, low fat cottage cheese protein.

My new favorite breakfast these days is a homemade fruit smoothie along with a piece of whole grain toast smeared with peanut butter. Ahhh! Delicious, nutritious, and non-malicious.

Evelyn's Probably-Not-So-Original Fruit Smoothie:

*sliced up fresh fruit (Use whatever's lying around the kitchen. This week it's fresh strawberries, kiwi, and pineapple. Thank you Costco and Bountiful Baskets!)
*8 oz light, nonfat vanilla yogurt (This will sweeten up your smoothie "naturally")
*1 cup of ice
*a little soy milk (or cow's milk) to make it the consistency you want
*2 TBSP ground flax seed (I found a 3 lb bag at Costco for something like $6)

Side note: Flax seed is a great source of protein, fiber, and omega-3 fatty acids. It's easy to throw into foods like baking mixes, cereals, soups, and of course smoothies. After a friend in AZ told me about the benefits of flax seed I did a little investigating. You can find flax seed in three different forms: whole seeds, ground up, and liquefied into oil. From what I read, not that I'm ANY kind of expert, ground is the way to go. Whole seeds will just pass through the system undigested and flax oil does is too processed and does not contain all of the beneficial seed.

Use a blender to mix up your smoothie ingredients, pour into a glass, and enjoy!

The first day I made this I had three little kids snooping into my glass vying for a drink. Since then I make extras and share. Hey! If it's healthy for me, it's healthy for them. And they think they're drinking milk shakes for breakfast. Hand me The Coolest Mom award now, thank you.

I would love some new breakfast ideas. Got some???

Just Another Weigh-in Monday (Oooh-wee-ohh!)

Is it weird that I actually look forward to Monday mornings now? My anticipation is a potpourri of fear and hope.

Did I lose weight? How much? Were my efforts worth it? Did I mess it all up by eating those cookies?

I don't know why I get so anxious--kind of in my nature I guess. Every weigh-in is a reason to celebrate. Whether it be 1 pound or 10 pounds, it's less pounds than I had the week before and less pounds than I started out with back in May. I have to keep telling myself that. Otherwise I would go crazy.

Looking ahead, knowing I have 100 pounds to lose feels like not only is there an elephant in the room, but that elephant is stampeding its way towards me, intent on my demise.

I'm going to get mooshed.

But if I do like they say and take that elephant on one bite at a time (Do you think elephant is a good source of protein?) it seems a little more manageable. Then at least the elephant isn't barreling its way towards me; I'm barreling towards it...?

This analogy went kind of south...

Anyway! The results of today's weigh-in are: 5.9 pounds lost this week.

That's kind of huge. Like I'm-trying-not-to-gloat huge. Like maybe-I-really-can-do-this huge. Like maybe-that-article-I-read-about-not-eating-after-8-pm-does-NOT-make-any-difference-is-wrong huge.

I'm pretty darn pleased with that number. So pleased I think I just may go for another wog today.

Bring it on Week 6!

P.S. Thank you so much to all the words of support and encouragement! Good luck in your healthy endeavors this week too!!

About the Baby...

A couple of people have asked me if my weight loss plan is a good idea right now.

"Right now" meaning "being a nursing mom of a 4 month old infant".

And the short answer is: Definitely!

The long answer is this:

I weigh 260 plus pounds (281.5 at the beginning). That is most likely considered morbidly obese. I don't know for sure; I'm too afraid to look at any charts. This body of mine could stand to lose quite a bit of weight to be in a much healthier state as a nursing mother, as a mother period.

My children need me to be healthy. They need me to have energy. They need me to be happy. They just plain NEED me. And if I am morbidly obese...I am not going to be here for them.

As for 4 month old Cee... She will be 5 months on the 20th of June. At her 4 month appointment she weighed a whopping 18 pounds. She is 95% on the growth charts for weight, height, and head size.

When I asked the pediatrician about my plan to lose weight by cutting calories and exercising and that I was concerned about my milk supply being enough for Cee, she laughed in my face.

Literally.

And when I turned to look at my rolly-poly, dimply, pudgy little big baby I felt stupid for even asking. Of course she's getting enough milk.

I mean...Look at her. Look at those dimples and rolls and cheeks and chinS! (And why are they so darn cute on her and not on me???)



When I first started cutting calories I did feel a diminish in my milk supply. It really worried me, thus the reason I asked my pediatrician about my weight loss plans. Her reply, after laughing of course, was not to worry. As long as I was eating healthy and drinking PLENTY of fluids (which I am) then Cee would be just fine. And actually not just fine...Better! She'll reap the benefits of a healthier cow mom too.

I noticed that the longer I have stuck with my new lifestyle change the better my body has adapted to it. My milk supply is fierce. Cee is satisfied and happy and plump as ever. I really have been very careful to make sure I am not doing anything to endanger my child. As much as I want to be thin and gorgeous healthy and in shape I want even more for her to be happy and well-fed and developing normally.

I will always put her before myself, along with my other three children. But at this time in my life, putting my health and well-being above other things (such as Facebook and social blogging) is something I am doing for them as well as me. And hopefully the example I am setting in making healthier choices will be one that they choose to follow too.

I'm grateful for friends who worry about my children's safety as well as my own. But trust me. I am doing this safely. Slowly, but surely, but safely.

TOWAAAAANDA!!!

When I left the house this morning, jogging was the last thing from my mind. I had all four of my children with me. Dee and Jeigh were riding their bikes ahead as I pushed a stroller full of Elle and Cee. We were just going to walk and ride around the block a few times and call it good for the day.

Then as we were walking down the hill, Dee fell back behind our little caravan. He usually likes to ride ahead "because he has to be the leader". When he realized that he had lost his top dog status, he began to whine and complain that we should stop so he could get back in the front.

A nicer mommy probably would have listened, stopped everyone, and let him ride ahead, just like he wanted. But I'm not a nicer mommy. I wanted to teach my oldest a lesson, that he doesn't always have to be first. So I started jogging to stay ahead of him. We were conveniently going downhill. It helped. But even when the decline leveled out, I kept jogging.

"To the end of the street" I told myself. "Just make it to the end of the street". And I did. And I wasn't hurting. I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't going to die.

Hmm...

Suddenly I changed our typical walking route. Left, instead of right.

Left took us to the local elementary school where we discovered we could walk around to the back, to the playground.

The kids commenced playing on the play ground equipment, riding their bikes in figure eights and erratic patterns, and running happy and free.

I followed suit. I began running jogging walking really fast and with bounce wogging, I began wogging happy and free as the kids.

Wog a circle. Walk a circle while pushing Cee in the stroller. Leave the stroller and wog another circle. Walk another circle while pushing the stroller. Wog. Walk. Wog. Walk. Wog and wog again!

It went on like that for 45 minutes. Wog a few, walk one, wog one, walk one, wog a few, walk.

By the end of my 45 minutes I was ready to scream. Not with pain, but with extreme pride in myself.

I have every excuse in the book.

I may be 30 ancient years old.
I may weigh 264.9 nasty flabby pounds as of this morning.
I may be a tired, overwhelmed, single mom of four kids (Joe's out of town AGAIN).
I may have a demanding and needy four month old nursing baby.
I may fall into the tempation of sugar from time to time.
I may be busy and fat and old and tired, but I CAN DO THIS!!

I just wogged for 45 minutes and I feel like Super Woman!!!

Take THAT, Fat!

Today, I feel like I can do this!! TOWAAAAANDA!!!

Watch out world! Here I wog!

One month in...

I was absolutely dreading this morning's weigh-in. I have been a bad girl.

Ice cream WITH hot fudge what? Possibly steak and shrimp on date night too. And maybe a few other meal mishaps.

*cringing*

I stepped on the scale expecting a gain, but somehow...managed a 2.9 pound loss.

I'm such a jerk to myself. Instead of celebrating that 2.9 loss I immediately started flogging myself for not sticking to healthier eating habits and not losing more.

Will I ever be content with myself??? *sigh*

Well, 2.9 pounds lost this week takes me to a 15.5 pound loss total since 09 May 2011, about a month ago.

15.5 pounds lost. I like the sound of that. So much so that I am going to rededicate myself. And make a few new rules for myself.

No eating after 8 pm.
Limit sugar more. (How much more? I'm still not exactly sure. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. Is it time to make sugar off-limits??? I admire you gals out there who only let yourself have one treat a week. That's the kind of self control I'm aiming for. Can I do it???)

I'm Losing It and I Don't Mean the Weight

UGH!!

ughughgughgughlosdhg]p0hyu-2\);$BHHA%5E!VLJHBCJKLKISDUI">&*@)&$BHHA^!VLJHBCJKLKISDUI&*@$!&#@&^!*
ugh.

I warned you. This could get whiny. Well, I would hate to disappoint.

I'm losing it! And by "losing it" I don't mean the weight.

I am losing my self control.
I am losing my motivation.
I am losing my desire to want to be skinny and healthy.

You know that stupid phrase that goes something like "No food tastes as good as skinny looks"?

Poppycock. Nonsense. Balderdash. Milarky. Bull honkey.

Have you ever tasted Mrs. See's chocolates??? No skinny jeans feel as good as that creamy sweet chocolately goodness melting on your tongue.

Three plus weeks into this journey and I still struggle to feel any stronger than I did on day one. I want to eat all the junk. I cave when my husband says "let's put ice cream in with those strawberries instead of yogurt". "Just a little bit" quickly spirals out of control into "all of it".

*head drops on desk*

I HATE THIS!!!!

I am not losing weight like I did when I was in my 20s!
I can't stand watching everybody else eating all the yummy stuff while I gnaw on green leafy things!
I'm sick of obsessing over every little thing that does or does not come near my mouth!

I'm exhausted from trying to fit a workout in every day! Being a mother is a workout in itself. That should count for something, but it doesn't. Being a mother got me to 281.5 pounds.

Well, it wasn't just being a mother, but that didn't help the weight situation.

I get angry--like real hot steaming mad angry--thinking about all the things I need to deny myself if I want to be successful at this.

I feel hopeless thinking even if I am successful with this, will I just gain it all back like I have every other time before?

As you can tell my thoughts are not in such a rainbows and puppy dog tails place tonight...

I have appreciated hearing things like "Take this one day at a time" and "Every day is a new day". If I keep thinking about that I won't let the way I have been feeling the last few days take me down.

Ugh.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming... Even when I feel like I am drowning...in chocolate...Stop that!...in celery and green leafy salad and oatmeal and whole grains and... *sob*

A Weekend to Remember: I Made It!

Here we are on the other end of the Memorial Day weekend and whew! I made it!

Twas not easy.

My dad did his very best to pull out all the stops on the goodies and sugary treats. (I don't know if I ever realized what a sugar fiend my dad is. Maybe this is where I inherited it...)

Every time he or someone else pulled out the ice cream or the cookies or the buttery, salty popcorn or the smores or the cans of pop or this or that, I followed Nancy Reagan's logic.

Just say NO.

It was kind of hard the first time around, but guess what! It got a little easier each subsequent time.

No. Nope. None for me thanks. No thank you!

I did buckle with a small ice cream cone I shared with my husband and a handful of peanut M&Ms, but other than that I really tried to be a good girl. I worked out a couple of times and ate as many fruits and veggies as I could get my hands on.

(Thanks to my family for taking note, for cheering me on, and for encouraging me to make better food choices.)

So. I imagine the big question is: Did it pay off in the end?

Kind of.

Instead of gaining, instead of maintaining, I lost 2 pounds. Making my total weight loss over the last three weeks: 12.6 pounds.

I should probably be more excited about that than I am. I mean, come on! I managed to survive a holiday weekend with family without gaining weight. That's nothing to bat your eyes at.

So I won't.

I'll take my two pounds and persevere. Here's to more pounds lost this week now that I am back home and in total control of my situation!

Worried for the Weekend

It's Memorial Day weekend.

A weekend we remember those who fought and died for our country.

A weekend we visit and reminisce about our departed loved ones.

A weekend that kick-starts summer.

A weekend full of food.

BBQ, hamburgers and hot dogs, corn on the cob, ice cream, homemade root beer, creamy, puffy, sugary, starchy salads, and junk food galore.

I am scared.

Scared that I will give in and surrender to Memorial Day weekend and gain right back the 10.6 pounds I have lost over the last two weeks.

I can't let this weekend take me down.

We have traveled out of town to be with family. In my family, as with most families I assume, family time=eating.

I am going to do my best to load my plate with green salad and veggies instead of the starchy salads and carbs. I'll stick to the no pop rule I have placed on myself. I will avoid the late night goodies of popcorn, ice cream sundaes, and candies.

I feel like I am under attack and it's all on the home front.

I'm not going to lie; it's gonna be hard. To watch all my skinny siblings and their skinny spouses and the skinny kids eat all that junk while I munch away on carrot sticks. I might cry a bit. But hopefully I'll be crying with joy when I see more success on the scale Monday morning.

Gotta keep that in mind...

P.S. I can't seem to make it past 4 days of working out in a row. I'm already at 4 this week. tomorrow would be 5. I think I am really going to stick it to holiday temptation by going for a good long walk tomorrow.

sTResS is an Emotion

In an earlier post I fessed up to being an emotional eater.

Emotions like: sadness, hopelessness, depression, fear, anxiety, happiness... (Yep! She eats when she's happy too, folks.)

And let us not forget STRESS.

Newsflash: I eat when I am stressed.

I hear about people NOT eating when they are stressed and unintentionally losing loads of weight. As much as I wouldn't want their problems that caused the stress in the first place, sometimes I wish I had THAT problem.

Instead of losing weight I find myself packing on the pounds in periods of pressure.

Times like now, when Joe is out of town AGAIN and I am left alone for days on end, but not really alone thanks to these four kids. These four kids who I love more than life itself, but who have a particular knack for driving me into a stress-induced feeding frenzy.

Tonight was particularly trying as bedtime was going later than usual, not less than three children were making some sort of tumult about various issues, I am tripping over toys and shoes strewn across the floor to get to the screaming baby who has been demanding my attention for the last twenty minutes while I try to hurry and finish making dinner or hurry and serve dinner or hurry and eat dinner or hurry and clean up after dinner so the mess isn't ten times worse tomorrow. Just hurry hurry hurry so I can soothe her screams.

Stress, I tell you.

And as that stress builds I can feel that demon inside me demanding one thing and one thing only.

"CHOCOLATE...CHOCOLATE....CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE NOW WOMAN!!!"

I can hear it even now as I write these words with a particularly alert at such a late hour Cee in my lap.

I am writing this post just trying to keep my mind and fingers busy and ignoring that inner voice, that call of the wild, that Jekyll to my Hyde, that incessant lust for chocolate.

Call a priest. I may need an exorcism.

Two Weeks In

I weighed myself this morning hoping I had lost maybe 4 pounds this week.

7.6 pounds lost?!?!

Yeehaw!!

That makes a total of 10.6 pounds lost in two weeks. I must be doing something right.

I celebrated my victory with a pancake and bacon breakfast.

JUST KIDDING!

But I did make some peanut butter candy (of the school district variety) and instead of nibbling away at the whole pan over the day, I ate a few small pieces, cut up the rest, and ran them over to the neighbors.

Not only do I get to enjoy my treat, I avoid the calories, and make nice with my neighbors. Everybody's a winner.

And today...I have to admit, I feel like I am WINNING!! (Can't say that without thinking of one Mr. Sheen.) At least winning the weight battle. I know I have so far to go and this is just a small victory, but it's a great kick start for the rest of the war.

I'm one-tenth the way there. And that's a heckuva a lot farther than I was two weeks ago. Who knew two weeks could change a person's outlook? Instead of feeling like a waste of (a rather large piece of) space, I feel...

proactive
in control
positive
optimistic
eager to try

Not every moment of every day feels like that. Every day is a roller coaster ride of anger, sadness, despair, hope, courage, willingness to try, pride, defeat, anger, sadness, despair....and back up again.

I hope as I make more progress, that roller coaster will only level out more and more until it doesn't feel like such an hourly power struggle. I think I can feel that happening already.

My husband is out of town this week which is good because I don't have to cook for him and I can eat as healthy as I want without his whining and complaining that I'm starving him. And bad because I miss him and want to dive head first into the bag of chocolate chips sitting in my pantry to soothe my pain.

It doesn't help that I get frustrated and overwhelmed with taking care of four littles all on my own. My previous reaction to my temporary stints in single motherhood was that as soon as the kids were in bed, I would watch a movie and eat mindlessly, out of boredom, out of loneliness.

I've been trying to replace those late night cravings for sweets with berries and low-fat vanilla yogurt. It's working so far.

Well, two weeks in and going strong. Thanks for all the comments of support! I think about them often during those nasty roller coaster plunges. Who knew blogging could overpower the urge to eat chocolate??? Amazing.

On to week three...

This Magic Moment

It happened.

That magic moment happened.

That moment when the music is just right. The mood is upbeat. The energy level is unfathomable.

I had that moment where exercise felt good instead of desperate.

I had already been jumping, sweating, and puffing for 30 minutes (the allotted time for my workout) when suddenly...

I felt like I could give go forever.

Or at least the five minutes until I needed to go pick up my son from school.

It...was...awesome.

That's happened to me a couple of times that I can remember. I think some call it "runner's high". It's an incredible feeling. One I hope to recapture often.

My exercise "program" this week has been dictated by the "Just Sweat" option on our "Just Dance 2" Wii game.

I may not look especially cool when I'm "dancing". My four year old confirmed that today when she asked me why my cheeks were so red. Awesome.

Oh well. I am lovin' it! Who knew exercise could be this much fun? And my kids can actually participate instead of crawling all over me or sticking their fingers in dangerous treadmill belts.

I highly suggest the "Just Dance" Wii games for the weight-impaired looking to be physically repaired and not so peared (shaped). Note: "Just Dance 2" seems to be a little more aerobic than the first "Just Dance".

Any other suggestions for "fun" exercise that can be done with four littles???

Lest you thought I forgot...

Hi.

*waves*

Remember me?

I didn't forget.

In fact this little blog and its proclamations of fatty defiance kept me going some days and trying most days. there was one day when I wanted to completely give up, but I knew I just couldn't because I would be just too ashamed to face my 15 followers with the news that I had fizzled out so quickly.

Fizzle I did not. But almost.

See...There's this little thing called emotional eating.

*raises hand* Guilty as charged.

When things begin to get rough, the very first thing I want to do is run into the safe embrace of my refrigerator doors.

I had been doing quite well at my healthy eating this week. It had been really difficult to get any exercise routines in (besides the one half hour of playing Just Dance Wii with the kids that I am TOTALLY counting as exercise) but I had been eating healthy. Very little sugar. Decreased carbs. Lots of fruits and veggies and water.

Then Friday came and I got some rough news.

What was the first thing I did?

Well, after crying a bit, I scarfed down a Milky Way Midnight, my very favorite candy bar.

I don't know why that seemed like a logical thing to do or something that would make me feel better, because immediately after I felt...broken. I had lost some sort of control I had gained over the past couple of days.

The gate had been opened.

The rest of they day I also consumed pizza, three sodas, and a few other unhealthy things.

I felt defeated. One little candy bar David took out this Not-so Jolly Green Giant.

Dumb.

When I weighted myself the next day and saw my weight loss had not been as dramatic as I had hoped (Hmm...pizza, soda, chocolate...Oh My!) I had the nagging thought to totally give up and just resign to being fat forever.

But then I thought of this blog.

Can't do it.

I've got an audience now that's keeping me true to my word.

Dangit.

So...Thanks for following, thanks for spurring me on, thanks for making me embarrassed enough to keep going out of pure shame.

P.S. I have had a couple of people say they want to join me. Honestly, it takes me everything I have just to watch out for my own weight loss progress. I don't have the energy or time to host any kind of "Biggest Loser" contest. Not yet. A little friendly competition would be...good. But I'm not sure how to construct it without getting too overwhelmed or going overboard. Any ideas?

P.P.S. I am down 3 pounds this week. Nothing to write home about, but nothing to scoff at either.

P.P.S.S. I am rededicated today. Exercise, water, and limited calories. On to a better, candy-bar-less week 2!

And so it begins...

I blog.

Therefore I don't do anything else.

Not entirely true.

But you see blogging is so much more fun than exercising.

But I got to thinking...

What if I could bring the two together,
hopefully inspiring me to exercise and be healthy if I knew I had the reward of blogging about it later?

Eh? Eh?

It could work. Let's see shall we?.

It is Monday, May 9, 2011.

I am 30 years old. I am a mother. I have four kids. Those four children are my life. I need to be healthy so I can be around for my life.

Because I hear when you're dead...You can't be alive. Huh. Go figure.

I also hear if you drink pop, eat sugar and fat, and don't exercise that you're a lot more likely to be dead.

Rats.

I kind of like pop and sugar and delicious food fat and not getting overly sweaty.

Probably why I now weigh more than I ever have before.

Yikes. I'm going to do it. I'm going to put THE NUMBER out there.

{gulp}

As of this morning, I weighted 281.5 pounds.

{hangs head in shame}

That is humiliating. That is shameful. That makes me angry and sad and embarrassed and overwhelmed.

It really just feels way too big and way too impossible to change.

But I have to. I just have to.

So today, I am going to start.

Nothing like a Monday to start fresh, right?

This morning found the Couch to 5K program online. I ate oatmeal (WITHOUT the sugar), strawberries, and skim milk for breakfast. I have been drinking water--4 glasses in already and it's not even 10 am.

Go me.

Oh and my phone timer just went off signalling that Bountiful Baskets is opening for ordering in 15 minutes. I'm there. Because I'm going to surround myself by all that is green and healthy and good for me.

This Jolly Green Giant is going to eat her veggies
and get a little more green,
a little more jolly,
and a little less giant.

{big deep breath}